u/greencarnation-

(TW I use specific language in this post)

When I was a child I learned in school how the sperm cells in cum that comes out of penises may get people with vaginas pregnant (and that sperm may be even in precum).
thanks to my black and white thinking I concluded out of this information: cum= bad and also tip of penis=bad.

I knew that I was into guys and my fear of pregnancy was kind of always in the back of my mind growing up.
When I realised as a young adult that I’m actually a gay trans guy this fear didn’t went away but got even worse.

Last year I found out that I’m neurodivergent. This made me question some of my thought patterns. sometimes I take things way too literally or accept things someone tells me as fixed rules that I have to live by.

I try to overcome my sexuality related fears. One part of that means for me to understand where this fear comes from.
I want to have enjoyable sex with people who have penises (without that nagging voice in my head that tells me: be careful! You could get pregnant! Don’t touch here! You could get “contaminated”)

Back to cum.
in my very first relationship (I was 15) my then boyfriend told me to swallow his ejaculation. That it would turn him on. I don’t know if that was actually the case. He made it sound like it was expected, like it was an adult thing to do.
I did it and hated it.
And I internalised that I have to please my sexual partners that way. Even if they don’t ask for it. Because it goes without saying.

More than a decade has past since then.
Today I had someone’s cum in my mouth and spit it out. It didn’t even taste as bad as I remember.
Maybe it just was just that one teenagers really disgusting cum… (he was a smoker and energy drink addict who believed a bit too much in 72h deodorant)

This is just me sorting some thoughts.
I get that cum is very erotic for some people. Or just neutral.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.

hello Hornyjail,

my cis guy fwb and I haven’t seen each other in a year, but we finally managed to meet up again and went to a nudist area in our city.
We’ve been there one time last year (we were both really shy and had to overcome our anxiety to strip)

There is an area for everyone (all ages, genders, families with children) but if one walks a while through the trees and bushes there is a secluded spot where mostly queer men hang around and cruise.

We found a nice spot at the water, talked and had a soda. After a while we went inside this growing maze made of plants.
We stood close to a tree and made out. People walking by, some got slower when they were close to us and watched for a minute or two before they kept walking.
My friend asked if he could eat me out. I said no. (I was a bit overwhelmed by the people watching us. But also turned on)
So we both started to slowly getting dressed right there.
As we had this short conversation someone walked by us and looked at my tdick.
Like stared at it. He even walked backwards. To look at it from another angle. Then a second guy who is also standing close to us stares between my legs.
I was really nervous to look them in the eyes, because I’m not good with eyecontact and a bit worried that I might accidentally give them a nonverbal signal that I don’t actually want to send.
( my adhd brain goes „ don’t look the basilisk in the eyes!“ )
My friend told me later that he noticed the presence of the people, but he was standing with his back to them, so he didn’t see what was happening.

Yeah so we got dressed and walked away.
This scene keeps playing in my head.
On the one hand it’s nice to know that some of the men who cruise there were obviously interested in my body. (Im worried about getting rejection)

On the other hand I felt like a piece of meat.

The idea of cruising is so stuck in my head. I find this concept so interesting and arousing. In this cruising fantasy of mine it is an euphoric experience. Just me in my body (I’m very happy where I am in my medical transition) getting seen the way I feel.
But I definitely don’t feel like a piece of meat. And that’s where reality crashes this fantasy.