When will I reach my stable dose?!?! 😕
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Long term IV heroin/fentanyl user (20yrs). Longest I've had clean was 4yrs (a lonnnnng time ago at this point) I've had a few short breaks sporadically throughout (typical short jail stints, detox attempts, etc) minimum I'd use was about $100/day...obviously there was never a maximum) so $100/day off and on for almost 20 yrs. Been going to the clinic for a couple months now, I'm currently on 85mg. It doesn't last. I go every morning just before they close.. (11:15am) so i could make it last at long as possible. By 6 or 7 pm I start going downhill. At the clinic I'm at you have to formally write a request to go up 5mg at a time and it takes a week or two to even get approved. And when I ask to go up Its like pulling teeth. I've talked to a few ladies I know who have very very similar stories to mine and it took them months and months and months to get stable. It's very discouraging. Every few days I'm still supplementing myself with fent. I don't do any other drugs or alcohol, I smoke weed, sure (don't even get me started, if you're going to judge me about weed you can kindly fuck off, that ain't gonna change) my family and friends are all straight laced (I used privately by myself for close to 10+yrs). Everyone close to me knows my situation and are super supportive however they don't understand and the last couple weeks they've lectured me and basically made me feel like I'm wasting my time and that things will never change and it seems to them as if I'm not trying hard enough. People who don't understand addiction thoroughly (particularly long term IV opiate) they just don't get it! I am trying. Idk if this is making any sense it's 5am and in soaked in sweat but freezing, legs cramping and anxiety and insomnia .... Might go to the clinic after I type this since they're open. Idk what to do. I feel like this will never end. I want to live an IV opiate free life soooo bad. I want to function like a normal human more than anything. Nothing is ever good enough. What dose will it take to stabilize??? What can I do to help myself get through this And get to that point?? Please I need advice or opinions, maybe some reassurance??? Sorry for the long.probably nonsensical post. I'm desperate for help from y'all though!!!