I doubt I’m the only one that experiences things like what I’m going to describe.
I started a new job in January, it’s the first job I’ve had where I felt a career could be had. Working 6-6 is hard sometimes, but the work is easier hour to hour that retail was, and fast food even more so. I’ve taken full advantage of that, and am using my relatively high motor to my advantage, passing by others who’ve been there a while, some for a decade or more. I almost qualified for a standard 1 year promotion at the 3 month mark, and will definitely hit it at 9 months when the next chance comes around. I’m well liked by management, coworkers look to me sometimes already, and even some who I passed over on the totem pole have let go of any animosity. I’m even making real friends, something I haven’t done in a professional setting before. Girlfriend, who just graduated, has a retail job while waiting for grad school to start, so my $4k a month to her $1.5 puts me clearly in the role of traditional breadwinner. Tradwife social media accounts would sing my praises (much as I don’t want them to).
Which makes it all the more ironic I’m into sissification. It’s about as antithetical to what I live otherwise as can be. I’m mid 20’s, taller, very broad frame, near-bass voice, good beard, and can carry my 250lb girlfriend (who is losing weight fast, very proud of her for that) without much trouble. In almost every way I’m macho, bordering on the kind of alpha male that those manosphere morons want to be. So why am I here? Well, in simple terms, life got really big on me, and I need a small space to exist in sometimes.
This kind of kink has a way of making one feel very small, a way of making the world around them small, so small that outside of the room or house they currently occupy, nothing else exists. For us closeted types (girlfriend knows but isn’t partaking) this is very literal. There’s a freeing feeling in that, to such an extent it’s paradoxical to me: only by being enclosed in one of the smallest cages the mind can be stuffed into, can I feel free.
Especially so lately, it’s only when I picture myself in the clothes a woman would wear, when I imagine what it would be like to be subservient to another, when I envision how much I could let go of if I just took the plunge, does the weight of the world around me fall away. In my overworld, I am master of what I control, but any and all actions are born out of necessity; a duty to provide, and an obligation to lead- what choice do I truly have between my effort creating greatness, and its lack resulting in ruin? In my netherrealm, I am lord to nothing and no one, where my only obligation is to serve, and even if wrong in practice, the theory of such a situation, where I’m free of the weight of the scale being balanced on my back, and am merely a weight used in the scale itself, it feels so freeing. Sometimes the Queen on the chessboard longs to be a pawn, so they may rest.
There are a dozen other analogies I could use, but in short, to have nothing needed of you except when told to act is the core of the feeling I get out of the kink, and why I come back so often. It lets me release the burden of a world I’ve built, one where I may fly high but am also my own safety net, which is exactly as scary as it sounds. If things feel too big, I can come back to this world, one that exists only in the 750 square feet of my home. I’m locked in a very small cage when I’m in this world, but it feels so free to be here. I hope your control frees you as well.