u/patentcuffs

27M. I’m not sure if this is just a specific problem for me or if anyone else has experienced this.

I was in Europe for a while. The girls there are sooo much nicer. They put in so much effort in dating, texting, etc. They help plan dates. Dates are simpler, they’re more so to get to know each other. We would talk for HOURS and text for hours too (I’m a huge texter). They also put more effort in their outfits/appearance even if it’s just to get coffee during the day.

Meanwhile in America it feels like the effort is all left to the guy. Dates feel more like “how well can you impress me”. There’s less substance in texting. One word replies are soooo common. A simple museum date would not fly here. Also, your social media presence and friend circle matter so much here. Not only do you have to have a good social status, your friends do to.

Has anyone else experienced this? I feel so unmotivated to talk to girls here now.

For context, I spent time in Spain, France, and the UK.

Very important note, I get maybe 1 like on dating apps here every 5 months here vs 2-3 matches sometimes in a day in Europe depending on how active I am.

A few days ago I read a post about what dating apps are like from a woman’s perspective, and it made me want to share my own experience too. But also add something I think is important…

What actually makes me want to meet a guy from Tinder, in case it helps someone here.

First of all, the second I create my account, whether I’m in Madrid or now in NYC, you already know what happens. In less than five minutes the app is already showing 99+ likes.

So obviously, when almost every guy you swipe right on instantly becomes a match, you naturally become very selective.

But that doesn’t mean I actually want to meet all those matches. Honestly it’s the complete opposite. It’s actually pretty rare that I genuinely feel like going on a date with someone.

After using Tinder for a long time, I’ve realized most men fall into one of two categories:
Either they try to meet way too fast, or they have conversations that feel completely empty.

When a guy opens the conversation by immediately asking me out, or worse, asking me to come over to his place, honestly… the impression it gives me is that he’s completely desperate to get laid. And for me that’s a huge turn off.

Personally, I like talking a bit first. And thinking about it, I realized I really only need two things: I want to feel like the guy actually knows how to hold a conversation (so the date won’t be awkward), and that he’s interested in me beyond just trying to hook up.

I honestly think a lot of women probably feel the same way.

On the other hand, talking about sex over chat isn’t something that bothers me. Honestly, I like it. I’m pretty curious when it comes to that stuff. And actually, one of the Tinder dates I remember the most started with a guy opening the conversation with a sexual suggestion.

And yes, I ended up meeting him.

Now you’re probably wondering why, and I’ll explain it, because what attracted me wasn’t that first line. It was what he did after it.

He opened with a slightly kinky sexual comment, I replied jokingly, and then he completely changed the subject.

He started talking to me normally. He asked real things about me. We talked about random stuff, trips, experiences, dumb things… and he never brought up sex again during the whole conversation.

And that’s exactly what made me want to meet him.

Because the feeling he gave me wasn’t “this guy is desperate to get laid”. It was more like:
“this guy knows how to spark my curiosity and make me want to know more about him.”

Most guys, the second they see even the smallest opening, turn the entire conversation sexual and then seem completely unable to move away from it. And honestly, that just makes you come across as desperate.

Anyway, I was partly inspired by a Spanish influencer who used to give men advice on dating apps by explaining what actually worked on her, and then she’d sell an ebook. I don’t have any ebook or anything like that, so I’m just telling you directly what worked best on me, in case you want to try it

I (F, mid-40s) feel stupid even posting about this at my age, but here goes…

I’ve never had any issue with giving oral sex and I enjoy that, but I have never been able to enjoy receiving.

I like the idea, I want to enjoy it, but I’m just too self conscious about that specifically to even try, and I’m really not sure why. Nothing traumatic has happened to me.

I feel like I’m missing out on something though. I would love some advice if others have gone through the same thing? What worked? Is this “girl, you need a therapist” territory?

Interested in male and female perspectives if possible i.e. what does it feel like for men vs women, ease of use and cleanup, are they expensive to use all the time, and STD protection.

I’m (F) and have a lifelong STD I want to protect my male partner against as best I can. I’ve been open about it, he knows, and we’re going to do our best to take precautions for as long as desired.

I feel like I’ve heard male condoms can be tight/uncomfortable so if that becomes relevant, I’m wondering about female condoms as an alternative. What are they like in your experience?

Hi everyone,

I (24F) have been in a relationship with my partner (26M) for over 4 years. We have a really solid relationship. We have a baby together, we own a house, and overall things are genuinely good between us.

But lately, or maybe not even lately, just something I have become more aware of, I find myself thinking a lot about having sex with other people. It is not about a specific person, sometimes an ex partner, sometimes a close friend whom I've kissed with, sometimes 2 people.. It's more just the idea of it, and it can make me feel really intense and horny when I think about it.

I want to be clear. I do not intend to cheat on my partner, and I do not think I would. But it does scare me a bit that the thoughts can feel so strong sometimes, like what if one day I make a mistake?

Another factor is that my libido is higher than his. He does make an effort to 'keep up', and we have sex pretty regularly, around 3 to 4 times a week, although I wouldn't mind more. So it is not like I feel neglected or like I am missing out a lot in our sex life. That is why this confuses me even more.

I guess I am wondering:

Is this something other people in long term relationships experience? Is it because we had a baby 6+ months ago? Hormones?

How do you deal with these kinds of thoughts?

Is this something I should actually be worried about?

Would really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences or advice.

Edit: Thank you all for your responses. Most of them were really helpful, although a few did make me feel a bit bad.

It did give me the push I needed to talk about this more openly with my partner. He was somewhat aware before, but not to this extent. We ended up having a really good conversation about it and more, including my fears about things potentially becoming boring over time.

He was very understanding, which I really appreciated. He also said he wouldn’t completely rule out the idea of opening up our relationship in the future. That said, it’s not something we would consider right now, especially with a baby and plans for more kids.

I’ve only had 2 partners before my current boyfriend, very underwhelming and bad experiences. After my last partner I was completely celibate for 3 years.

I started dating my current boyfriend and we’ve been dating for 8 months. Before yesterday we’ve only had steamy makeouts sessions and some oral and hand action.

Yesterday we were about to do it, but he is really really big, like, it reaches his bellybutton big, and I got so nervous.🥲 He put just the tip in and just a little more, but it hurt SO MUCH, I couldn’t take it, i tried to suck it up but I genuinely couldn’t, i felt like I was a virgin😭

I told him I couldn’t take it and that it hurt too much, he stopped immediately and he was super sweet and reassuring🥲💕. But I couldn’t help but feel bad. Like I didn’t please him or maybe left him frustrated? Idk, especially because when he slid the tip at the beginning I saw him ball his fist beside my head, and I thought omg what if he was mad I told him I couldn’t take it after?😭 or maybe I’m just overthinking 🥲

Does anyone have any advice to take it better (lol) or is it even possible to take it that big if you don’t have much experience?😭🥲any advice is appreciated🥹🫶🏻