u/punkpooch

I haven’t been this happy in a decade. I moved to PA a year ago to figure out some long overdue challenges, work on myself, build a new life, and now chase a more mature version of what I need. I’ve been experimenting since I was a kid with both sexes, but now I need it, in a very honest with myself way. I think I’m pan because I need connection past the surface. There’s so much to my story; I started conducting orchestras when I was 7, toured as a dj/producer for 32 yrs, my eq hits my iq, with trauma intelligence that runs deep, then I did 10k gigs personifying my nervous system, and to top it all off I finally am being labeled 2e adhd. I never really was romantically interested in guys. But i do really umm, fall for a friend and want to play every once in awhile, then increasingly over the past 10 yrs. I think about it a lot. Ok I fantasize lol. But woman just have always been my obsession. I dream of a doting couple, I’ve never kissed a guy but unleashing my hyperfocus on them as they strip of my fears, holdbacks, and what I’m wearing lol? I need this but don’t know where to start tbh. I was on fet for years but there’s a certain softness and care I need with my sensory processing. I’m down to try anything. DMs open for suggestions or anything else. Just be gentle. In an ever increasing world of surface connection, I need more, and to explore my kinks. Oh. Long story, but haven’t been with anyone by choice for a year plus since a disastrous ltr ended 🥹 I’m ready.

I haven’t been this happy in a decade. Love it here. I’ve been experimenting since I was a kid with both sexes, but now I need it, in a very honest with myself way. I think I’m pan because I need connection past the surface. There’s so much to my story; I started conducting orchestras when I was 7, toured as a dj/producer for 32 yrs, my eq hits my iq, with trauma intelligence that runs deep, then I did 10k gigs personifying my nervous system, and to top it all off I finally am being labeled 2e adhd. I never really was romantically interested in guys. But i do really umm, fall for a friend and want to play every once in awhile, then increasingly over the past 10 yrs. I think about it a lot. Ok I fantasize lol. But woman just have always been my obsession. I dream of a doting couple, I’ve never kissed a guy but unleashing my hyperfocus on them as they strip of my fears, holdbacks, and what I’m wearing lol? I need this but don’t know where to start tbh. I was on fet for years but there’s a certain softness and care I need with my sensory processing. I’m down to try anything. DMs open for suggestions or anything else. Just be gentle. In an ever increasing world of surface connection, I need more, and to explore my kinks. Oh. Long story, but haven’t been with anyone by choice for a year plus since a disastrous ltr ended 🥹 I’m ready.

So I just turned 50, happier than ever in a new life out of the state I lived and toured out of since I was born. I’m a gifted former rockstar (for lack of a better term), started conducting orchestras at 7, Julliard jr program at 8, I was touring as a dj and producer starting at 12, straight until the pandemic. So called gifted isn’t what most people think- we aren’t ceos, we suffer from anxiety, depression and burnout, our brains fire fast processing an emotional range most don’t have an inner model for, extreme pattern recognition, sensory processing that resembles someone on the spectrum, neurodivergent af, we struggle just to be understood anywhere, and find peace. It’s a horrific curse on a bad day, and a beautiful gift I wouldn’t trade for the world others. You apply that to our sexual nature, and we are often outside the box. I’ve always been a pan-ish instigator, getting in trouble my whole early childhood for games with both sexes that peaked what is insatiable in my hypersexuality. There was a couple guys in my early teens, I still romanticize this one, but I digress lol. Yet never kissed a guy. No desire. I love to tease them, I’m a bit of an exhibitionist, but get attached with my trauma intelligence, so I’m pretty monogamous when it comes to women, who I chase my kinks and deepest passions with. I mean I know what turns me on by this point, but it’s still confusing tbh. I love teasing in the extremes, I love brats but also am one, I am 💯switch but can be very dom, threesomes def, I’m too into the subtle things to ever be a gooner, and there’s so much more. I started messing around with my best friend about 5 years ago, but it was a let down only because I really thought after all the build up I was going to get that feeling, in my mouth. He was too messed up the last night to get there and then I ended up getting back with my ex. We still had a ton of fun. Now tho, I’m chasing it all. Females make me melt, but I need to chase this. So I need advice. Assuming of course everyone is different,am I just holding back, should dive in and try a little pan attachment to a guy, maybe some kissing, even sex? I’ve craved everything but the kissing so far. And I’m seeing someone who feels the same way about women, was in a healthy poly for a few years. I don’t want to share her necessarily with my sensitivities, but I would chase our kinks safely together if I knew how to approach it. But we’re not there yet, this is about me rn. Advice anyone? Ask me anything.