19f shame and
I don’t know if this is allowed here because I’m not like roleplaying but just venting about this. but I want to vent about this in a place where people will probably understand my desires and also my shame that comes with them. Ever since I was younger (when I was groomed) I’ve liked taboo things and back then I didn’t really have a problem with liking it I would read smut fics of my favorite characters playing as a stepbrother or something and I’d get so wet I’d cry and it just felt so nice. But now I’ll read fics and listen to audios and watch porn and ofc I’ll orgasm but I feel a huge guilt I feel uncomfortable from even getting turned on by it. and I’ve gotten increasingly more depraved with what I like it used to just be stepbrother stuff, and now it fauxcest, rape, abuse, manipulation, kidnapping, even murder sometimes etc. and I guess it’s cus I’ve been assulted so many times in my life that these things developed more in me but it just feels wrong. I feel disgusting every time it feels like I’m essentially raping myself over and over by forcing myself to look at these things and yes I could stop but the thing is AT TIMES IT FEELS GOOD!!! I cannot look at normal stuff and get aroused like I’m that far gone. I had gotten to a point where I was at least listening to audios everyyy night till I stopped finding ones that satisfy me like what I like and how I like it isn’t on the market, I don’t like cliche stuff I don’t like the “you’re a slut” 50 times, or “you’re daddy’s princess property BITCH😈😈”. what i like is when a guy is perverted yet so normal, like I can’t describe it like no one suspects him but he just is, and he’s nice while doing the most nasty things to me I like the teasing, praise but also a little condescending attitude in there and mocking me for liking what’s happening. One way I can describe it is like being made to be uncomfortable by this seemingly normal guy like that heretic movie then you’re slowly made uncomfortable that’s the part that turns me on the most when they know you’re shy and won’t leave because you’re polite and naive, and they keep pushing it and pushing it until your skirt is hiked up and you’re full of him.
I like to be seen as innocent too not a slut that’s why I hate the slut thing cus I’m a whole virgin it doesn’t fit me, I don’t actively look for men and I’m quite scared of real life sex for obvious reasons so I like when I find things where Im seen as that where they try and break that.
I feel like a lot of men into taboo things like don’t really like to give up that degradation and fast quick sex part so I don’t think that fantasy would ever play out in real life (as roleplay) for me like one time a guy I was messaging was sexting with me and yeah I got aroused because at first he was being like the dream pervert I described but then he just became repetitive and really mean and weird when that’s not what I wanted and I said that. So I started to break out the fantasy and I felt that shame and disgust I was talking about before. like I feel it when I’m back in reality and that shame gets so bad I feel it for hour maybe days, it was worse in this case cus I sent him my boobs which idk triggered me after thinking about it because I used to do that when I was getting groomed when I was younger (it won’t let me say the age I was at the time). So after that I just stuck with writing fics lmao like I will write 80k words about scenarios with me and random characters because I get that freedom and i can still be broken out of that and feel shame (I stopped writing for 3 months because of that) but I think when I started posting it I felt better because other girls like me were interacting
This post is allllll over the place I hope that’s not bad but I wanna know if others relate or of any guys are the kind of pervert I like like I wanna know if they exist or if I’m delusional
Limits: scat, name calling