u/wittgensteinisreal

Title: "Missing Love"

Title: "Make a Pet Out of a Cactus"

Title: "If You Want Me, Beg"

Title: "One-Room TA"

Title: "Midnight Men" Ch. 106/107

TW: Discussion of rape and the treatment of rape victims

Disclaimer: This is just my humble interpretation, by no means do I claim to have a brilliant ability in analysis; those are just some thoughts I had while reading the chapter. If you have a different perspective I didn’t consider or was insensitive in handling the topic of rape, please do enlighten me.

Sex is something incredibly intimate, it strips you of your protective layers until all that is left is your unfiltered vulnerability.
Two bodies invading each other‘s boundaries as they relish in endless pleasure, flesh mingling with flesh - everything is narrowed down to this one primitive desire.
Be that as it may be, sex can never exist outside of societal context. It goes beyond mere pleasure, strict reproduction; it’s also about power, identity, connection and bodily autonomy. Sex will always be tied down to who you are and your circumstances. Following that, sexual violence can be used to attack a person through those exact aspects. The impact of sexuality on society and the individual isn’t negligible.
And I think exactly that is shown in the following with the example of Yoo-Gon.

When Yoo-Gon was still nothing but a child, he got raped. He got raped at an age where he couldn’t even comprehend what was done to him. Someone penetrated the only place that was supposed to be safe; disrupted his relationship to his body and self. It was an utmost cruel act of robbing him of his bodily autonomy, acting as if he wasn’t human anymore, as if he didn’t even deserve to be treated as one. Just like that he was reduced to someone’s tool, someone‘s opportunity of relieving their filthy desires, someone’s way of exerting power, and to a victim.

Five years later, when he still was a child, he got groomed and raped by his tutor. This time the rapist got pregnant. His family didn’t cry, didn’t feel enraged by what their son had to go through. Now it was a disgrace that had to be covered up and rumours started to spread at Yoo-Gon‘s school. Other boys expressed jealousy and admiration; „Was she cute at least?“ „How was it?“ „Dude, I’m jealous.“
When talking about sex and rape, the woman is judged by her purity and the man is judged by his so-called "conquests". The penis is a "tool of power", one that lets you climb in reputation and social standing the more you boast about its usage. It’s no wonder that self-proclaimed “Alpha males“, who pry on insecure and resentful men, preach misogynistic ideologies while defining in the same breath their worth as a man based on how many women they took to bed. Sex is used as validation; it serves as proof that you are indeed desirable, as well as proof of your manliness that is traditionally associated with power.
So when a man is raped, he’s not taken seriously. Many rape victims recount how others asked them questions about their level of "enjoyment" or telling them how "lucky“ they got by "sleeping" with someone like the perpetrator. Others react by telling them to „man-up“, shame them by saying that they‘re weak and non-masculine - especially if the rapist is a woman and if it’s a man, they‘re just signed off as gay. Men are seen as the initiator of sex, not as someone who would fall victim to sexual violence. “A man can’t be raped“ - that’s the sentiment society seems to agree upon, ignoring the painful reality of a male rape victim. Basic human empathy is denied simply because of the fact that the victim happens to be a man.
„Whatever’s lurking between my legs is a weapon. A double-edged sword.“ So while certain societal expectations allocate attributes with positive connotations to men, the very same attributes have the effect of negating the suffering of men.

„The more meaningless sex I had, the more respect I gained from other men and the more it terrified me that someone might learn the truth. The truth behind the disgusting scar somebody had left upon me long ago. That whatever they saw in me was nothing but an overfilled balloon, ready to burst at the lightest prick.“
Yoo-Gon used sex as a means to gain respect and admiration from his peers so as to hide the shame he was feeling from getting raped. He didn’t want to be defined by something another person did to him, he didn’t want others to judge his shame, his pain, his scars; attaching derogatory labels to him and as a result making statements about his person; statements that would linger, that would follow him and remind him time and time again of what had happened to him. In a way, those judgements are scars left by society. But he is not just the product of what was done to him, he is not an object, used and discarded after it served its purpose; he is a human being with dignity who is deserving of respect and care.
Having others learn the truth of what has happened to him would bring him back to the moment in which he was reduced to something lesser than a human with the only difference being him being reduced to the object of people‘s judgements.
So he learns to conform to those preconceived notions about sex and manhood that are more bearable. "He’s not a victim, he’s the initiator, because he’s a man, after all". He starts sleeping around with whoever was willing.
The fact that he starts to be overly sexually active is, in my opinion, also to be explained by the need to somehow lessen the weight of sexual intimacy. If you do something often enough, it eventually loses its meaning - so by trying to diminish the significance of sex he’s trying to diminish the impact that the sexual violence had on him. It’s later shown in quotes like "I wanted to fuck every trace of my sexuality out of my system. A world where every aspect of intimacy is meaningless." If every aspect of intimacy is meaningless then naturally a weaponization of that very intimacy would also be meaningless.

„Once I was kicked out of my home I went back to the one thing I did best. I went from one woman‘s place to another, basically as a live-in toy boy.
One day it struck me how weird this all was. All the lust I inspired, all the fear I felt, playing a role I never asked to fulfill…all of it."
Everyone has certain opinions about sex; it’s something "dirty", something "frivolous". Some may even see it as an indicator of morality and, of course, the indulgence in sexual desires will be called "moral depravation" by those who abide to strict puritan principles. It also may be something "sacred"; an act that should only be performed once one enters the "sanctity of marriage". Sex can be seen as something "transformative"; one loses their virginity, hence reaching a supposed milestone in life or sex is seen as an element of the persona you want to be, think you are, aspire to be. It may let you come to terms with your own body or reject it even more vigorously. Sex is something "casual"; sex is a "grand gesture of love". Sex is "business"; sex is "personal".
Everyone projects their own values and insecurities onto sex, going as far as inferring the character of a person based on their sexual activity.
Since childhood Yoo-Gon was a vessel for people’s desires and preconceived notions about sex; all those people who make judgements about his character, conjure up in their mind some made-up version of his person and push him into conforming to this specific image, having expectations about how he’s supposed to behave; how he’s supposed to be just so that they can satisfy their own "desires" - like he said, 'playing a role he never asked to fulfill'. He was forced into a passive role, being on the receiving end of people’s desires - and with desires I don’t necessarily mean sexual ones, but also just all the things that people try to express through sex.

„We all have things we fear and despise"

An old man feeling young and gaining some sense of superiority through sexual intercourse with a younger person.
A young woman searching for emotional intimacy and confusing it in the process with physical one.
A homophobic woman judging a person based on their sexual history.
Older folks regarding sex as a dirty matter and judging a promiscuous person to be morally depraved.

„You should be ashamed of yourself"

„What? Nah, you think we‘re on the same
level? At least I don’t get paid through my
asshole"

His sense of self was completely shattered due to detrimental interferences during the most crucial stages of identity formation.
The point being, be it because of rape or societal expectations and prejudices, Yoo-Gon was continuously robbed of the chance to be his own person. He never knew another reality of life.

„It got to a point where I was sick and tired of anything to do with sex", because sex was such a major factor in his life, and the very thing that defined him throughout his life so heavily. It was a source of shame and pain for him. But it „(…) isn’t the sex itself that makes me crazy. It’s all of you." It‘s the suffocating reality of societal structures in which sex is forced to exist in.

And here comes my favourite part and the very reason I decided to write about this chapter:

„We fuck, we fall asleep, then we fuck again. We rub our parts together until there’s nothing left of them to derive any meaning from.
I wanted to fuck every trace of my sexuality out of my system.
A world where every aspect of intimacy is meaningless. A world where sex is entirely detached from our bodies and who we are.
Unless that was the the kind of world I lived in I was never going to survive with my sanity intact."

"Sometimes it felt like everything in my life, everything about myself was nothing but an embarrassment.
Despite all these memories that filled my head against my will; all I had to do was somehow get my shît together - except I only made things worse and drifted ever-further from what’s normal until the only thing I could feel was the burning pain of shame, feeding the endless pit of death and despair."

"Looking back…When did I ever live a life worth living?"

"When did I become a mere footprint of somebody who trampled over my innocence?"

"That’s right. It doesn’t have to be this way"

"This is where I chose to be. At least when I’m on stage I’m the one in charge, and everyone else is there for me. (…) If what’s between my legs doesn’t have to be a weapon, if my body isn’t just a tool to be used for hurting people it means that there’s more to me than my past shame. No one can take that from me. This is my body. This is my life. (…)"
And exactly this is the beauty of this story, the resolution that elegantly blossoms after all the groundwork that was laid before.
It reminds me of the last lines of the poem Invictus; "I am the master of my fate/I am the captain of my soul". I find it quite fitting with the last lines of Yoo-Gon‘s monologue, for Yoo-Gon reclaims his autonomy and the control over his life. Life doesn’t have to be a cycle of burning shame and guilt, he doesn’t have to stay trapped in a cage other people build for him. This simple wish of living a life worth living and the realization that he is more than what other people made him out to be is what gives him the sufficient determination and strength to break out of the seemingly predetermined path, and he starts trading his own path in life, regardless what others think about it.
The wonder happened when Yoo-Gon met a person, named Jung-hae, that really saw Yoo-Gon for who he is for the very first time. I think it really means a lot when someone, trapped in the condescending gazes of others, meets someone who sees not shame in who you are, but a reason to love and admire. There‘ll always be more to you than just your shame, and sometimes it takes just one person for you to see that too.

Thank you for reading if you made it so far. I‘ve had this in my drafts for a while, and even though I’m still not quite satisfied with this draft, I hope you still liked it :)

Title: "Behind The Scenes"

They say "All good things come in three" so how about I just join them…?

Title: "Retirement, Not Love!"

You can’t tell me that you‘re not gonna get a full on laughing attack for 10 minutes straight after you moan the name "Scrooge~".
God knows I’ve been rolling around on the floor, wheezing.

Title: "Guiding Me Crazy"

This is literally guiding me into the faraway lands of horny and liberated libido, it ignites the fundamental passion for life I aspire to retain even in the most difficult of times.
This is not simply gay porn, alright - it’s a gay man yelling at a gay masochist. It’s Kant all over again. The masochist lives up to the categorical imperative - as he tortures the peace of the yelling gay man he gets tortured, in turn, by the yelling gay man.
The story’s profound in a way that touches deep inside of one‘s…lustful heart. It’s a story about love, overcoming trauma and the beauty of connection via a foot on your groin <3

And what I mean with all of that is that…

…I just like BDSM dynamics, man.

God forbid.

Title: "Things That Deserve To Die"

Title: "Love Strongly, Surprise!"

Boy obliterated another galaxy with that burst, just saying….

Title: "The Fallout Alpha and The Elite Omega"

Do I need to say more, Your Honour?