r/rapemeandhurtme

I still don’t know if what happened to me was just rough sex… or something darker.

About 3–4 years ago I met this closeted “straight” guy online. Black, hyper masculine, confident, older than me, and honestly intimidating from the beginning. He told me he was dominant and extremely well-endowed, and I remember thinking I could handle it. I thought I wanted that kind of experience.

When I got to his place everything started off relaxed. We talked, smoked, messed around, and he offered me other substances too. At first it felt exciting and reckless in a way I’d never experienced before.

Then the mood shifted.

The more intoxicated he got, the more dominant he became. Not roleplay dominant. Not playful. Heavy, controlling, intense. He started ordering me around instead of asking. When I struggled or hesitated he’d tell me to shut up or hold still. I remember feeling genuinely nervous once things escalated because I realized I was physically outmatched and way deeper into the situation than I expected.

The whole thing turned into this marathon session that lasted hours. He kept giving me more substances throughout the night and my sense of time got blurry. There were moments where I was scared, moments where I wanted breaks, moments where I felt trapped between “I agreed to come here” and “I don’t know if I want this anymore.”

What messes with my head the most is that part of me was terrified… but another part of me was intensely turned on by how powerless I felt - atleast afterwards but maybe not at the time.

I’d never experienced someone that physically overwhelming before. There were points where I genuinely felt like my limits were being ignored. I asked him to slow down multiple times. Asked for breaks. Asked for lube at one point and got brushed off. I remember squirming, trying to move away, him pinning me in place, and realizing I couldn’t physically stop him unless things became a full fight.

Near the end I remember asking for a break because I was exhausted and sore, and instead I basically got given an ultimatum: either stay where I was or things would get even harder for me another way - he’s force himself down my throat and he’s either cumming in my ass or my throat. After getting a sense of what he was like using my throat…I stayed still. I remember lying there afterward feeling completely used, degraded, overwhelmed, and honestly confused about why the experience affected me so deeply.

The weirdest part is that it never left my head.

I think about it constantly even years later. It unlocked something in me sexually that I didn’t even know existed. Ever since then I’ve been heavily drawn toward CNC fantasies, rough dominance, and that same mix of fear, helplessness, degradation and arousal. I even trained myself afterward to handle larger toys because I became obsessed with the idea of being able to fully take someone like him one day without panicking.

I actually went back to see him one more time. Got to his place, smoked, suddenly got hit with intense anxiety, and left before anything really happened. Maybe I panicked. Maybe I realized how dangerous it felt the first time. Or maybe I knew if I stayed, I wanted to experience that intensity all over again.

That’s what confuses me the most.

If you leave feeling scared, overwhelmed, degraded, and unable to stop someone in the moment… but years later still crave that same feeling and fantasize about it constantly… what even is that?

Was this just an extreme dominant/submissive experience that awakened a kink in me I never knew I had?

Or did things cross a line somewhere without me fully realizing it at the time? His tone and threats made me stay where I was but I still want to have that feeling again. I’d never had someone so deep inside me before or make me feel so stretched and used