r/shoesfindom

toe imprints from how long i’ve worn

I know you want me to step on your neck as I drain your bank account. Don’t be shy to give in to my control 🔥.

First, let me say this: if what you want is free femdom, you have my blessing. There are groups for that, platforms, dating apps. There are munches to meet new people. There are partners who will explore with you. Go forth, enjoy!

But I’ve been seeing a lot of you moving into professional domme spaces or findomme spaces and then getting offended when those dommes aren’t interested. 

So let’s talk about it. 

If this has been happening to you, it’s because...

You are in the wrong place.

It’s like showing up at a restaurant and demanding the chef cook a meal for you for free and then whining about how you planned to do the dishes when they say no. 

Are there places you can get free meals? Absolutely! Friends may offer to cook for you. You might have an agreement with a partner that you trade off cooking nights. You might have a partner who just loves to cook and you bring other things to the table. You can even go to a soup kitchen or a church potluck and eat for free to your heart’s content. And all that is rad. 

But it doesn’t entitle you to free meals from pro chefs. And walking into a restaurant and demanding one is weird and an asshole move.

Pause there: take that in. 

If you are in a professional domme’s DMs after she has explicitly stated in her profile that she’s only taking paid engagements (the word “findomme” should be enough to tip you off here), you are the weird and assholey guy who just walked in and demanded the chef cook him the free meal.

Stop being a weirdo. Stop being an asshole. Go talk to people who also want free play.

But Pandora, I hear some of you whining, I tried that and didn’t find a domme!

Mmmhmm, I know, kitten. Because there are several hard truths I need you to acknowledge:

1. A lot of y’all are overconfident about what you’re bringing to the table. 
A very abbreviated list of what a pro domme brings to the table: months or years of marketing and building up the brand that attracted you in the first place; makeup, hair, and style routines that are often immaculate, expensive, and time-consuming; research and knowledge of best practices and safety in kink; entire scenes they plan and execute with your kinks in consideration; the emotional labor and care involved in vetting, prep, and aftercare. 

What you bring to the table: showing up horny and stroking yourself in the exact way she says.

Gee, what equality! I can see your point. You shouldn’t need to pay! The work you put in is equal to what she did. I rescind all my concerns.

Let’s be real: I ADORE the free play I do with my IRL connections. But they bring things to the connection you simply can’t from afar. The equivalent care you can offer often starts with your wallet. 

For example: my first and best worshipper IRL often begs to be allowed to do my dishes after I cook for my girls. That is a tangible act of care and actively frees up my time and mental load. He comes over daily to pick dog poop out of my yard for me. He moved into my house to care for me after surgery. He comes over to massage my feet before bed. Being as you are not here and cannot offer me any of that, the equivalent act for you would be to pay for my cleaner, a dog-walker, a caregiver, a massage. That’s the same level of care he’s offering. And it requires you to stop acting like your wallet is the one thing you can’t surrender. 

Are there online relationships that are equitable without financial exchange? Probably. But it requires other sacrifices you’d make...and I doubt you’re ready for those either.

You know what? Let’s check:

Here’s something that would tangibly help me and every other woman in your life: go get the book Emotional Labor, read it, and write a two-page essay on what you learned, how women overwhelmingly are expected to perform emotional labor for men, and in what ways you have been complicit and plan to do better.

Wait, where are you going? I thought you wanted to be dommed? I thought you were here to offer something other than money?

No? Because you’ve been raised in a culture that treats you like your presence is a gift. That just showing up is enough. And here’s your second hard truth:

2. Just showing up as a man is usually a subtraction, not an addition.

Most of y’all have not done the work to deconstruct all the ways that culture has made women’s labor invisible to you. Even in domme spaces, I watch as women tiptoe around men’s fragility, carry emotional burdens for them, and anticipate your every feeling. 

Most of y’all aren’t bringing even half that emotional intelligence to your interactions. And until you do the work to deconstruct what culture taught you, you are inherently extractive—not additive—for women.

(Notice how I said most. Go “not all men” somebody else.)

There are multiple ways to start to balance these scales. Do your feminist homework. Show up and do those dishes. Learn how to do emotional labor not only for the women in your life but for the men around you. And tip women. Pay women. Pay them more than you think you should.

Which brings me to my next point...

3. Women still make less than men for the same work—and our lives, our products, our haircuts, our clothes all cost more. In interactions with men, in general, the woman is actually already operating at a loss—spending more money than her male counterpart.
Let’s talk about a typical JOI session. If it’s video, she’s likely already spent both time and money on: doing makeup, possibly shaving or having beauty treatments, lingerie or cute clothes, scripting a session. A man, on the other hand, is likely to either be totally off camera (and thus need to do 0 things) or show up in the nude in whatever state he normally is in – no makeup, no shaving requirement, no fancy lingerie. 

If the JOI is text and photos only, all the same applies except she also spent money and time on photos, photo editing, photography equipment, etc.

This doesn’t mean playing with you isn’t fun for her. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t value or enjoy your presence. It doesn’t mean she isn’t getting off on controlling you. What it does mean is that it inherently costs her more to do this. And your refusal to contribute is yet another way her time, money, and presence are devalued in the world. Which means the power exchange isn’t there. Because you are the one with all the power, regardless of whether you have to jerk off on all fours and howl like a dog. 

I’m not saying you have to be into findom (though if you aren’t why are you trolling the findom subreddits, my dude? See point one about looking in the wrong places). I don’t need the act of sending to be part of the thrill for you (if it is, though, rad; I’m here for it) just like I don’t need the act of doing my dishes or picking up dog turds to be thrilling for my IRL sub. Cleaning up my house, coming over to trim my trees, moving in to take care of me after surgery—each of these things is an act of service, care, sacrifice by my IRL play partner meant to serve me. Just like you paying for my cleaner, a tree trimmer, or rent would be.

TLDR: Interactions between men and women are inherently uneven (for these and other reasons). You showing up willing to bark like a dog doesn’t fix it.

Now, if you are looking for free play, go forth with my blessing into femdom spaces and Chyrpe and local munches! Think about what you can do to be additive to your domme and do that. And if you are in pro domme and findomme DMs, I expect you to know that you just walked into a restaurant with a professional chef—behave accordingly.