Do my parents already know?
So I (M23) am obviously a gay man, I’ve known ever since I reached puberty. I’m currently in the closet, my family is conservative-leaning but not anything crazy.
I don’t live in the US, but my dad currently does. I’m living with my mom back in my home country, my dad is American, my parents separated years ago.
Again, my dad was born in the US, but spent most of his life in my home country. I get to spend the summer and christmas in Chicago with him every year since he left.
Back when my parents separated, my dad left to the US. Before, though, when I decided to stay in the closet, my mom and dad wouldn’t have the best things to say about the gay community.
They wouldn’t outright say anything nasty, at least not my mom, my dad would say the homophobic comment here and there. My cousin, is a full-blown gay man. He never hid it. Never. He’s kinda a jerk, a diva almost, but he’s also been a hero to my personal journey. He doesn’t know I’m gay, or at least I’ve never told him, but him living so freely in an environment I’m so scared to come out in is admirable to me and it’s almost like seeing a very gay Superman, lol. I admire him very much, at least secretly.
Anyway, I mention my cousin because my dad would ALWAYS make fun of him. My mom tells me stories on how my dad used to be a full blown bully to the neighborhood “gay”. It was so many stories, that I always tried to put up my best “macho-man” impersonation when I’m with him.
Well, then he went back to the US. And I began middle school. Although I was never flamboyant or obvious on my queerness, not because I wanted but out of survival I thought, most of my friends started being women. Not all; but out of 4 male friends, I had 5 female ones.
This ticked off my mom, I presumed, because I caught her calling my dad, saying “I only had female friends” and how it was “worrying her”. She said I was never outright feminine, but I wasn’t too manly either.
That summer, I was petrified of going to Chicago. I thought I would have “the talk” with my dad. He was going to question me or worse.
When I got there he touched the subject. Only one time, when he was dropping me off at a mall to meet some friends I made in the US, he said “You know no matter what you do or like, I still love you right?”. I was petrified for a moment. I just said “Yeah.” And sprinted off the car like “Ok bye Illcallyoulater…”
That was the first and only time he ever even insinuated (or what I assumed he insinuated on the matter). That was years ago. Ever since, he never asks or even mentions sexuality or gender. When the subject is brought up, he always has a “It’s a new world now.” type of vibe.
That’s my dad. My mom, who I spend most of my time with, is… so complicated. Kinda mostly the reason I’m making this.
She can change at any time, almost. Not drastically, but it’s weird. Very. She can say at a moments time, “I don’t think homosexuality is natural. It’s not, for me.” Then, when my cousin is brought up, and my aunt’s journey into accepting him, she ALWAYS says: “If your son or daughter is gay, what does it matter? They are your children. Get on with it, or fuck off.” (Paraphrased.)
One time, when she got angry for something I don’t remember, she looked at me straight in the eyes (i don’t remember how we got here) “…I mean, sometimes you don’t even know when your child is gay or whatever. Right? I mean, are you?” I panicked and said no, since her face was almost disgust. Like, literal disgust. I felt like she was trying to hurt my feelings, or something.
Just recently, she was giving me another pep talk about relationships and inheritance from an unrelated problem, and although it’s not the first time she tells me this and to my sister too (a straight woman), “…even when someone’s wife, or husband or whoever they decide to couple up with, you have to be careful…)
Most times, though, when talking about my future, she says “your future wife.” or “the mother of your children.”
It’s kinda flip flopping, and It’s tiring. I don’t know if I’m living on a safe space or not 😂.
I will say, recently, her stance on gay people is very progressive. Like, full support, even with my cousin. Although she sometimes treats it as a condition or sickness, she’s kinda seen as the most progressive voice in my entire family, counting aunts and uncles. My cousin LOVES her and my mom always defends him when people try to mess with him, mostly my uncles or other cousins.
It just gets weird with me. Why?