u/Active_Surprise_5300

I’ve been into diapers and associated kink since middle school. It has been this secret but incredibly important part of my life forever and I’ve always felt it was really emotional for me. But my life has been incredibly messed up - my whole childhood is just one big blur of low level trauma from all fronts. And I don’t think I realized until today exactly how emotionally deep this goes for me, and how important fully embracing it may be for my healing journey.

I could write a novel on my life, so I’ll spare you, but I’m a trans woman with dissociative disorders and I’ve been undergoing massive amounts of nonstop healing for years now. Prior to transition, kink was a big secret, a way to dump out toxic emotions and move on. And then once my egg cracked an enormous dissociative glacier started to crumble too.

I stopped liking this kink for a good long time, years. Like, my body completely stopped wanting it at all, probably via protective dissociation to focus on other things I guess. And then lately the healing has gotten so much more intense, and along with other big breakthroughs I was surprised that the kinks came back, and I wasn’t scared of them, or ashamed of them anymore, at all. In fact, I’ve told my closest friends, and honestly if my parents or siblings knew, I would love it - I don’t talk to them anymore and embodying something they would be ashamed of sounds awesome to me 😂

I feel like this is my truth and I’m not interested in being ashamed of what my body wants, likes, needs.

Since the breakthrough, I’ve spent so much of my time embracing this space - trying out new>! !<diapers, looking for friends, community, play partners, posting photos of myself on channels, learning my aesthetic and throwing my creative energy into this thing that feels so powerful to me, so sexually and emotionally potent, so cute, and in many ways so beautifully weird.

But then I listened to Love In Brief today, which I had never heard of before, and in the intro episode they talk about how you feel like one of the Dr Seuss Sneeches with a purple mark on you, like a secret mark of shame, and how amazing it is to find another person to love who also has that purple mark. And…I completely LOST IT out of nowhere.

Look people - I have done well for myself since transition and dissociation breakdown - I’ve burned down my entire life which was a massive dissociative lie meant to help me survive with people who would never tolerate the real me in any way, shape, or form. I’ve boldly done what I want, how I want. I’ve built myself up to be exactly who I want to be. I walk in rooms and I feel how people look at me - I have radiance, I have power, I have beauty. I’ve had incredible relationships, with people who really truly loved me for who I was transmitting out to the world. I’ve shared every last little secret hiding inside me and I have people in my life who LOVE me for it.

But I don’t think I realized that part of me still doesn’t fully love myself. Part of me can fully embrace all of this, wear diapers, wet myself silly, or much more…and not give a crap how I come off because I feel pretty and I like it and that’s all that matters…

But I haven’t fully emotionally sat in this space. Or any space for that matter. I think maybe I still fundamentally believe I will only be loved for a surface level idea of myself, even in deep, weird, stigmatized spaces, that I still need to be some sort of ideal version of even that weird stigmatized space to be loved and accepted. And that short little 9 minute intro podcast broke me open and I think I have a lot of work to do. I’m still crying on and off.

I love this space, I think it saved my life for many years. I hope I can learn to sit in it and not just dip my toes in anymore.

Thank you for reading if you got this far.