u/AdAmbitious271

Life has a sense of humor I see. . .

As I feel like I am falling into a sense of losing the side of me that I have craved to explore my whole life... in walks him.

He woke her up, my submissive side, the part of me that craves to serve and be worshipped in the most degrading way. I caught a glimpse of her during an unexpected session with him. She was soooo beautiful, so fierce and so free, Finally!!

He calls her "Raven"

I felt like a whole different person, looked like one too. Yet, I feel like this person wasn't meant to be hidden, she was suppose to be shown all along but I decided to shut her out for years because I felt like she wouldn't be loved and cared for the way she deserved to be. I chose to protect her in my own way by denying her freedom, denying her release, denying her happiness.

He set her free and to be honest, it scares me of how fast it happened, how fast the connection came to be. For Christ sake, I just got out of a very mentally abusive relationship, shouldn't I have waited? I could not help myself, it felt like the part of me that decided to hold in, was banging against my mind to finally release her completely... and I did.

Should I have waited? Should I take more time to think if this is truly what I want?

I thought I could teach him how to be dominant, how I need it in my life, in my relationship constantly. Oh how he tried but it felt so forced it made me physically cringe.

Maybe it’s because I read so many books that it blinds me from the fact that all men can’t be like that. One’s that passionately kiss me because they can’t resist the urge not to. One that shows dominance even without trying.

I don’t want dominance just through play. I crave it daily, someone who can guide me through my messed up life, someone who can let me relax from being so independent everyday of my life, instead of someone who tells me over and over and over again that “everything’s gonna be okay, you’ll be fine.” Don’t even get me started on the scheduled play!

What the is that?!!!

Am I being unreasonable for desiring so much more? I don’t get what I’m doing wrong. Every guy I come across is so freaking soft with me all the time it makes my skin crawl. The “I love you’s”, “I miss you’s” just till fill the silence is getting so old.

Should I just give up on trying to find my dom?

I want to be loved but I don’t know if I can stay in love with someone that can’t dominate me the way I need it…