r/submissive

Been in the vetting process with someone.

We have met in person, in public, for both of our safety.

First time just interacting, in private, tiny physicality, and I am told that I am dangerous... K sir, wtf does that mean?

I asked and was just given a smirk. We didn't stop what was happening because I was digging it. But, wtf does that actually mean?!

I had a good time. Marked where I didnt know I could, yet, I am still uneasy about that comment.

Never had a mentor, so be easy.

I'm 31, submissive male my entire adult life, conventionally attractive, fit. I've pretty much had nothing but struggles in even getting dates, and it's not like I even wear this on my sleeve and go advertising to all women that I talk to that I'm a kinky sub. I think women just have a sixth sense about them and are just able to pick up that I'm not particularly masculine, and that is offputting to them.

Despite being 31, I've only had one relationship in my entire life (a little under 2 years). It was with a mommy domme type woman, but she was an abusive person and treated me terrible on a regular basis.

After that, I've been out with a couple woman, leading up to physical intimacy and them quickly finding out that I'm shy in bed and not going to be the man that can take them on a fun trip to pound town. The connection fizzles out after that. I had one woman tell me that "you're probably not submissive, just inexperienced."

Truly dominant women are a rarity, and the ones that exist have usually been scooped up by the first lucky good boy to have found them. There's nowhere to go meet them or connect with them consistently. Dating apps like Chyrpe are shit like any other app and are filled with findoms and catfish. Feeld has become overrun with nothing but polyfolk and swingers. You can't meet them at irl kink events because single women avoid them like the plague for very obvious and understandable reasons.

Dating as a malesub is simply a miserable slog through the dark as you try to put on some kind of faux confidence to approach women that you desperately wish would approach you first, maybe get lucky and form a connection, then usually find that they're not interested in a man that can't take the lead in the bedroom.

Rinse repeat ad infinitum until your you're so lonely and hopeless you just don't want to even bother anymore.

uh so my boyfriend who ive been dating for about 2 years but only recently had sex with since we’re kind of young so i didnt want to rush it, so we have consensual and established boundaries for sex, we both like it a bit rough , choking , hair pulling ,biting and all of that and recently during texting he said ‘i might slap you during sex, its not anything malicious or anything just something i do instinctively’ i was considerably taken aback but decided to try it out anyway and i still dont know how i feel about it , i dont really mind it but it doesnt particularly turn me on either. now he’s had a few sexual relationships before me and its my first one so i dont really know what to expect.

do you guys have anything that might turn him on more ? something he might like that i havent thought about or something people who’re into this stuff usually like , im sort of new to this so i have no idea.

This morning my (30m) new collar arrived at my boyfriends (33M) house! It's green leather with silver hardware and it's STUNNING. I'm seeing him in just over a month and he has it waiting on his bedside table.
He's told me that if I do anything naughty between now and then he won't give it to me but I can feel the brat inside wanting to push his buttons...
Long distance is difficult but the anticipation makes it so worth it!

I know when My sub (who is blindfolded) hears My belt being removed - she instantly starts to flow. What are your triggers?

Hey so I’ve been with my husband for 17 years. We’ve never had the most exciting sex life and we did some experimenting when we were younger but nothing really stuck.

But as of lately our sex life has really bloomed. My libido kind of completely turned around and I went from almost avoiding sex and only being intimate like once a month to pursuing it everyday.

But the thing is, he can be very shy and avoidant when talking about anything related to sex so it’s hard to get him to tell me what he wants and likes.

I recently told him I wanted my hair pulled, maybe verbally degraded and he basically said he wasn’t comfortable with it but we could try. On another occasion, I hopped on his lap and told him I wanted to go upstairs. Once we got up there he just awkwardly stood there and when I asked if he was okay he said “Oh… I just thought you wanted to be the aggressor”

So he hasn’t out right said anything nor do I think he would admit it if I blatantly asked… but I feel like the signs are there… so what should I do in this situation?

Obviously consent is very important and I wouldn’t want to cross any boundaries but I also want to help him explore that side. So I’m caught between just going for it and possibly making him feel trapped and forced into admitting something he’s not ready to admit to?

Should I just ignore the signs and continue our sex life as is?

My Dom has had me on full denial for 19 days now..

I’m allowed to edge only when he gives permission, and even then I have to stop the second he says. No orgasm until he decides

Every night I send him a short voice note describing how I feel, how needy I am, and whether I edged that day. Some days he makes me edge for him over video and then stop right before. Other days he just says “no touching at all”

It’s starting to affect everything, how I sit, how I concentrate at work, even how I sleep.. I keep catching myself pressing my thighs together without thinking. He says he likes seeing me this desperate...

He literally just ghosted me. One minute we were fine the next he was gone. It says he hasn't been active and I'm going insane. I'm constantly thinking about him. It's never taken me this long to get past someone. I can always just talk to someone else and I forget about the last person. No matter what I do I think about him. It's embarrassing but Ive sent him countless messages hoping he would at least read it. He had trained me to rely on him and then left. I feel like it's fucked up my chances of ever being with another Dom. I've tried talking to other dominants but it doesn't feel nearly the same. I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know what to do.

I've recently started seeing someone about once per week. Neither of us are actively looking for a relationship. Through our interactions, he's really gained my trust and made me feel safe. I now want to also serve and to be of service. How do I go about approaching this conversation? Any advice is welcomed.

Hey lovely subs. I’m a couple weeks in, in a new d/s dynamic. How often are you in contact w your Dom and how is the contact? I have this feeling that my dom actually doesn’t have the time for me?
Or maybe I just feel way too intense because it’s the first time for me in this kind of relationship… :)

Hi. I’m looking for advice from experienced couples and Dominants.

I am a switch male. My goal is to build a conventional family (marriage, home) but with a lifestyle based on our dynamic. I want to find a submissive woman so we can become a couple and serve a shared Master/Mistress together.

To me, this represents the ideal balance: mutual support in daily life combined with shared submission to a single Leader.

Questions for the community:

Are there real-life examples of a slave couple successfully managing a household?

How does it work? What is the best approach: finding a wife first and then approaching a Dominant together, or looking for a woman who is already part of a Dominant’s structure?

How do you prevent the Master’s authority from undermining the husband-wife relationship in day-to-day life?

I look forward to hearing about your personal experiences and advice. Thanks.

Hey so Ive been wondering anybody have two doms? Im curious about this category

I feel that I am a secretly a weirdo that I just feel submissive all the time. I meant this is not just a sexual thing but really everything. Every time when somebody talk to me with more commanding tones I just subconsciously follow the instructions. I do try to hide this feeling but I am not sure whether people around me can feel that I am a helplessly submissive person. I just have this desired to be owned and have somebody to take care of me and use me well.

Do you think it is ok to be a natural sub person or I will just be taken advantage all the time if I am not try to cover the true self?

I am new to D/s dynamics, having had only one so far. I recently played with a new guy who says he is a Dom and we're looking at possibly having a D/s dynamic. This would be my second ever. But he told me something I don't fully understand and need some advice

He told me recently that I try to "indirectly dominate a little as a sub" but then today told me that I'm prettty passive when it comes to sex. Says he wants me to take initiative during sex, and not wait for him to take the action. Even though I ask for permission (asked him to spank me, asked if he would give me his cum, asked for specific acts, etc), and do feel like I took initiative with aftercare, caressing his skin while he took a rest (he didn't caress mine though) and also played with his dick with my hands, then gave him a few blow jobs without him asking or telling me.

I admit I'm spiralling a little about being told I'm passive, it's not something my ex-Dom or other partners have ever said to me, and I worry this = "I'm bad and lazy in bed" when I don't think I am.

I like being submissive because when I don't have to think about taking initiative, or what to do next, and when my Dom or dominant partner just takes control and uses me as he wishes, I get to fully turn my mind off. Does that mean I'm a passive sub?

What exactly does this Dom want?

And yes I tried to ask, but he's not being particularly helpful. When I told him the above examples about what I considered were examples of initiative, he said he thinks actions are better than me verbally asking for something. And said he wants me to take more initiative but didn't specify what that meant.

When I asked him to give me specific examples so I can learn and figure out what he's referring to and what he wants. He said he doesn't believe in giving examples, because that takes the fun out of exploration. He said that being a submissive isn't just waiting for the Dom to do something. That being a sub is not just about being mindless.

With my previous Dom though, that was 100% what we did. In fact, if I did something without asking for permission, or took initiative, he would "punish" me for disobeying him, or not being ready to be used when he wanted it. But my ex-Dom really loved taking full control, and to surprise me. He would create play scenes, and create things for us to do, within my limits and boundaries of course. But ultimately, he took the lead.

This new Dom said he has a reward system if the sub does something without his direction. I back then asked, what things does that involve? Cause doing things without direction doesn't sound submissive to me. This is when he said "I don't tell you. You're a sub that tries to indirectly dominate"

But this new potential Dom has said previously that a sub has to explore their free will, that it's not all about being told to do this or that, and that sometimes the submissive has to cultivate the environment that entices the Dom. I thought I did do this by creating a very comprehensive nerdy BDSM checklist with my desires, curiosities, hard limites, and a separate list with all my fantasies, things I've tried that I like, etc. He said it was awesome and like a manual to me. But he hasn't given me his manual and he is refusing to give me any information other than saying I need to take initiative, if it's not up to his approval or liking then he will say.

EDIT/addition: I even asked him the day before we played this week in text that I'm sometimes worried I'm not doing enough when being fucked, like I wonder if I should be doing more and if so what, can he give me concrete examples. He said to me then "No, for now get comfortable, I will lead. Once you're more comfortable with me we can branch out. Being a Dom is like building rapport. I have to be able to gauge and learn when you need things and how you need them"

This seems to contradict what he told me today, which was: I'm just passive with the actions of sex, that I've never taken initiative to get on him and ride him or taken a position of bending over. He said I've made comments about what I would like and when I would like them but that "doesn't translate to action" and that he shouldn't have to direct every single motion of me during sex and that it's not what he's looking for. He said I asked if he was going to come, but there wasn't any initiative from him to make him come outside of having sex. How everything is dependent on him initiating and directing when it should be a free flow of energy and sex.

But sorry, isn't that exactly what a Dominant does? Direct, and initiate? If I asked him to cum and he didn't want to yet, and kept fucking me after I asked this, what exactly was I meant to do?

Also note: we've only played twice on two separate nights a week apart. So it's not like we know each other well. When I got there the second night he was still working so I waited on the bed until he was finished and ready to play. After he nearly came, and he fucked me a while, we took a break and then he fell asleep. He got out of bed in the morning to eat and start his day, I got ready to leave, he asked if I wanted a good pounding before I left and I said yes, got undressed, and got on my knees and after he fucked me a bit before I went back home.

Is this just not a true Dominant? Or am I showing my vanilla experience as a sub?

I don't get it. Please help.

when im told to stay still or just be looked at, my body does half the work for me. these heavy soft tiddies rest against my stomach, my fat thighs spread and sink into whatever surface im on, and my ass settles w that slow give. it feels like my body is already offering itself before anyone even touches me.

the bounce, the weight, the way everything jiggles and then just… stays. it makes the headspace deeper somehow. like im already halfway into being used or inspected just by existing in this soft heavy shape.

anyone else feel like their body makes submission feel more natural? or is it just me overthinking how much i like being this soft and available.

I am 19M from India , I never been in a relationship, feeling submissive, looking for a girl who can become my master , and Dom me , I want build a Dom Sub relationship for long term . How I can find a parter like this any advice

I got my collar today from my Daddy. :) I have a permanent, less obvious collar that I wear daily, but today he rewarded my obedience with a special collar. He took me for a walk outside!!!! I can’t wait to continue to earn the reward of wearing it. It is so special to me. It reinforces his ownership that much more. On top of it all, it’s BEAUTIFUL! He did such a great job picking it out and even had my name added to the inside :))) any other subs out there want to show off their collars?!

Our relationship didn’t begin this way but over the few years of our marriage he’s become a dom and I have submitted totally. Obviously I enjoy it or else I wouldn’t have stayed and does fit my personality as I’ve always been one to obey instead of take charge I guess.

But the one thing I’m a little conflicted about is his infidelity. He doesn’t hide it, will have me give him oral when the taste of someone else is still on him it’s like his way of asserting himself and showing my place and it somehow turns me on but afterwards I feel bad sometimes when he does this like he doesn’t value me but my body cannot deny getting aroused when he orders me and he knows it

Edit: I’ve read all your comments and appreciate your concern. I can see how it may look bad based on the limited details provided here. But my husband treats me very well and everything we do came along from pushing boundaries and realizing we both like it and kept expanding.

As for his cheating, it’s something that progressed from talking about after he’d flirt as a sort of roleplay but as time went on I wasn’t against the idea of him actually following through and aroused me very much tbh. There are some rules like can’t be anyone I know, nothing long term, and he “tells” me beforehand with a call or text not to wait up and I know what he means. If I’m against it will tell him to come home but honesty I never am against it.

This isn’t something that happens all the time more like a handful of times a year this past year as it’s just begun. He is open to me being with others as well, obviously, but for me sex is emotional and can’t be with someone else just for the sake of it. I know men are different and can separate sex and love.

This is just one aspect of our life and it conflicts me because I know it’s against norms to feel this way, but I do feel guilty for being aroused in that sense after it’s over

He also treats me like a princess and pampers me and all the other good stuff that comes with this dynamic

Hey 21 here so fairly new to this lifestyle tho I am very curious about ut and would also love some insight on others relationships and how they function.

How did you find that out the submission was for you?

How did you find out what submission means to you?

Then how did you find someone within this contex (if you have)?

(If you haven't found some how do you look after ur submissive energy?)

Thank youuu x

I have spent roughly 20 years of my life in TPE relationships, and there is one thing about the way TPE is often described that genuinely bothers me.

It is frequently associated with high protocol.

Lots of rituals. Formal rules. Prescribed behaviour. Specific ways of speaking, dressing, presenting yourself, asking permission, and generally making the power dynamic visible throughout everyday life.

I understand why that can be appealing.

But personally, I have never liked it very much.

The reason is not that I want less authority. Quite the opposite. I am very comfortable with extremely clear authority.

What bothers me is the idea of gradually shaping a submissive into some predefined version of what I want her to be, or even into some jointly agreed idea of what the “ideal” submissive should become.

I want her to remain herself.

Her opinions, tastes, interests, friendships, projects, humour, curiosity, strange habits, and all the things about her that I would never have invented myself.

If over time submission simply makes her more and more like some designed version of an ideal submissive, I think something important gets lost.

What I want instead sounds almost paradoxical:

TPE with very strong authority, but also a huge amount of personal freedom.

The authority can be completely real without needing to be constantly displayed.

She can have her own opinions, make decisions, develop her own interests, change, surprise me, and remain very much her own person, while both of us still know perfectly well where final authority sits.

In fact, I think there is something attractive about that tension itself. The more freedom she has to be fully herself, the more meaningful the submission can become when authority actually matters.

So I am genuinely curious about the submissive side of this:

Does TPE need high protocol to feel like TPE to you?

Could you feel that you are in a TPE relationship where you were given a great deal of freedom to simply be yourself?

And if high protocol is important to you, what does it give you that the underlying authority alone does not?