Hello, I am completely new to this community
(28 NB)
For the longest time I’ve been quiet/shy about my sexuality due to immense shame I grew up in at home. In addition to religious pressures and fears projected onto from my parents, I’ve also suffered quite a bit of SA from ex partners as well.
I have experience with BDSM, such as bondage, biting, slapping, spanking, collar/leash. While growing up, I felt attracted to CNC but had negative experiences with partners using this to excuse actual SA by directly ignoring safe words.
I started a new relationship around 6 months ago with a new partner (33 M) after meeting him at a local show. Early on, he was very direct and communicative with me about his kinks. While admittedly nervous, I wasn’t deterred from pursuing the relationship. In fact, I appreciated his express patience and support in helping me overcome my trauma. He’s never made me feel pressured directly for anything. I’m aware he’s apart of local and online kink communities and is diligent in respecting my boundaries.
I’ve been getting better at vocalizing my interest in things, such as dirty talk during acts and initiation. I often get clammed up or embarrassed thinking or saying anything. (Anxious about something coming out wrong)
He’s made an effort to provide me with phrases, creates commands and rewards which helps significantly. I do some of my own practicing on the side as well in-between to build up confidence in myself.
While I appreciate his gentle approach with me, I think certain behaviors of his outside of the bedroom are cause for some concern. For one, I’ve been struggling with our general communication more and more lately.
I feel like it all started at the raves we go to. For some background, my partner prefers to be friends with women. I’ve known this since the start, and I don’t at all have a problem with him wanting to befriend women. However, it can be difficult to see the type he seems to prefer. I’ve noticed that it’s often attractive, single *half-naked ladies that he will sometimes actively walk away from me to approach.
(*For clarification, I support women wearing whatever they want. This is just important context to the situation.)
We’ve discussed boundaries, and he’s offered reassurance, but I still feel uneasy when new situations arise. (Adding a woman on his socials without sharing it with me, liking women’s photos with their breasts out, touching their bare chest etc)
I’ve said something along the lines of “it’s hard to date a man who prefers women with large breasts as someone with small ones” and his response was to say “Well you try with the kinds of bras you wear to make them look larger.” Another example was him expressing interest in me twerking on him. I told him a couple times that I wouldn’t do that and the second time shared that I felt like I didn’t have the ass for this kind of thing. To which he responded “that’s okay we can work on that”.
To his credit, he apologized and took accountability for these events. However, I feel like I often have to prioritize consoling him first anytime I say/do anything that remotely makes him feel bad. So much so that it can seem more important than my own feelings. While I’ve shared this with him several times, it doesn’t feel like much has changed in this regard. This has happened enough that my therapist has pointed out concerns I’m taking on too much of the emotional labor of the relationship.
I trust that he would never cheat on me, or even humor a girl cheating with him. But I do find myself comparing to all the women around me, something I did much less often before he and I started dating.
I don’t feel comfortable with anal but he is. I also struggle with higher amounts of pain, something he’s directly shared last partners aligned with him more so than me on.
Then I had a thought come to me, could he be using these other women at shows to produce competition in my head? I believe some amount of ego boost is being sought after, which always feels tough to handle. Like, why is my love/interest for him not enough? When he’s made comments about my body, it leaves me feeling inadequate. Like I can’t give him the things past partners have or others around us could. It has me wondering if there’s a possibility that I’m indirectly being pressured to do more from all these experiences I’ve had.
I feel a bit lost and confused, and he has made me promise to not discuss our relationship with my friends, particularly related to sex. He is a “private person” and wants to keep things between us. Due to this, I feel stuck without feedback from others about our situation. This is especially true as I worry about approaching him time after time about these feelings and burdening him with all of my insecurities.
I want to trust him, and there’s so many amazing things he does that makes me not want to feel this way at all. Coming on here anonymously feels like a last resort.
Is this cause for concern or is it all in my head?