r/SubSanctuary

Yesterday I had my first experience with a Dom, and it was also my first time exploring submission. I’ve been talking to and dating this guy for about a month and a half.
During our scene, he tied me up, we had sex, and he made me squirt for the first time. He touched me in ways that felt incredible. We had already discussed having sex without protection beforehand, so that was consensual and planned.
During the scene, he told me that once he tied me up I was his, and that finishing inside me was his way of “marking” me. He had me repeat that I was his. At the same time, he was incredibly caring. He constantly checked in to make sure I was okay and enjoying myself, hugged me before and after, and told me how much he loved me. He treated me with so much kindness and care while also being very dominant during the scene.
This is my first experience with this kind of dynamic. It’s been one day since then, and he’s at work while I can’t stop thinking about him. I miss him so much, I feel like I need him, and I feel like I love him deeply. In previous vanilla relationships, I’ve never experienced feelings this intense.
I don’t feel anxious or unsafe—I actually feel very peaceful. At the same time, I have this overwhelming sense of longing and I miss him a lot.
Is this kind of emotional intensity normal after your first D/s experience? Has anyone else experienced something similar?

I dabbled in kink for the first time and had an online session with a dom. It was intense and felt good in the moment but I’ve experienced a drop after and I feel like I don’t even like my kink anymore. I’ve been interested in this kink for years that involves pain. This was my first time engaging in a real session with it. My dom was amazing and so good about checking in but online so I can’t do aftercare fully. I immediately felt kinda cold and sad after. Will the feeling of not being sure about my kink anymore go away? Is that a part of the drop?

I'm a put together, middle aged female ( educated, career, religious) that spent sometime in my early 20s in the lifestyle working out ( very unhealthy) trauma and came across the normal users/ abusers of novices. Things, education and online, are much different now. I abandoned the life, loads of therapy etc had a few "relationships", an engagement and have abstained from sex or any sexual contact for 14+ years ( religious reasons).

In my real life, very much empowered full functional woman.

Fast forward to last month, I was struggling taking care of myself ( diet, exercise, sleep ) so without much thought placed an ad for a non sexual dynamic. Only had it up 1 day and loads of responses. Chatted with a few and quickly weeded them out....except 1. We all know anyone can say anything online so who knows what is true but he presented himself as patient, spanking kink, looking for a long term dynamic, educated etc

We chatted for hours, he intrigued me, incredibly respectful, well spoken and did not push. He was OK with nothing sexual. After 2 weeks, I asked for a little task, the emotions came flooding back.... I'm sure most know what I'm talking about. It scared me a bit the intensity so I told him I needed some time to gather myself. We kept in contact a but just how are you, enjoy your week etc. I had a hard time staying away. Then, we did a minor scene and I very much got sexual. Then a few days later we teased each other all day and I hate to say I would have done anything to make him happy. After the Os, I wanted space so said my goodnight and he made a comment about subdrop and to contact him if it happened. I reassured him i was fine, it was only online etc.

Dang if he wasn't right, I cried, shook, just wanted all the kisses/ cuddles, couldn't sleep.​ it makes me feel so weak, this quickly and there is something about him. I pushed the sexual and the way he describes/ plays with my mind...he is obviously very skilled. ​And I want more but I don't. It will never be real, its just a fantasy and he presents as probably one of the most caring/ gentle men ive encountered.....and the "firm voice" im like butter!

I dont know what I need, such a battle inside of seeing where it goes (he said he's good with just a friendship) or what. I'm 100% the problem and just....looking for advice, consideration etc. Ty in advance.​

That’s it, that’s the rant. 😤❤️‍🩹

Has anyone experienced a correlation between burnout/stress and a significantly reduced desire to submit and decreased masochism?

I used to love S/m play and be very submissive, but over the last few years I've become less masochistic to the point where I can barely tolerate pain, and I don't feel submissive in that deep, intense way that reaches far outside the bedroom any longer. I've recently realized that I've been burned out for a very long time, running on fumes, so I wonder if that's why I've become so sensivite when it comes to BDSM and it's not just that I've changed and lost the desire for those things, as I've thought for a long while.

I’m not very experienced sexually and so my online dom had been training me, practicing how to give blow jobs on a dildo etc. We had a session where what I had learn was being evaluated and at some point it led to me pleasuring myself and he said “you have to work on facial expressions.” After that I would slightly keep my head turned so he saw my face less during sessions bc it hurt me.

I brought it up to him, how it affected me, and he was devastated. He felt incredibly guilty and regretted saying it. He said that in his head he was still giving pointers and he shouldn’t have. He almost left but I talked him into calming down and we’re still together. Since then, he’s always told me to go to him if I start overthinking and need reassurance and he’s kept his word. I also said I don’t feel comfortable being sexual for the time being and he has respected that boundary and we’ve put a stop to all play, so we’re essentially affectionate friends as of now.

I’m just now realizing how bad that comment affected me. I overthink whether he compares me with his ex/porn, wants something better, or wishes I was different. I’ve brought it up to him and he continues to say that he doesn’t wish I was different and loves me as I am. Although I’ve forgiven him, it’s affected me way more than I thought it would. Even when I masturbate I find myself evaluating my facial expressions and it just makes me sad and angry that I have to deal with this now. I know he never intended it to have this big effect, but it did and I don’t know how to heal. He’s kept saying that he’s there for me and listens when I share how it’s affected my own relationship with my sexuality but I don’t know what else to do. I just find myself crying throughout the day and I feel so broken.

Just to be held and cuddled and touched, knowing that I’m wanted and safe and protected, would honestly lift so much weight off my shoulders. I’m sure my fellow subs are all the same.

Even just casual touching, hand holding, hugging, strong arms wrapping around me from behind while I’m doing any mundane task.

Being held down, groped, massaged, made to feel desired and good.

Cuddling after a long day, being spooned or nuzzling into a broad chest. It would make me feel a million times better right about now.

Hello fellow subbies!

Still trying to win the good fight with hair 😄 Fortunately, my Dom is happy with "some grass on the pitch" (his words not mine) but I still have to maintain a very trimmed situation! My skin is a little sensitive so that can be an issue for me. Has anyone got a great bikini shaver they would recommend? Or indeed any tips on that generally? Thanks so much ❤️

I am struggling a bit with my long distance dynamic right now. I love my Daddy, he is a wonderful Dom and he makes me feel so loved and cared for despite the distance. He makes a lot of time for me which I truly appreciate. Overall I love our dynamic!

But it’s still hard. We text and FaceTime every day which helps us stay close. And as much as I love it, I find it draining too. With LDRs, you can’t just spend passive time together, you always have to be “on” when you’re interacting. Sometimes after a long day I don’t feel like talking for hours and just wish we could snuggle up on the couch together.

I also feel like I’m spreading myself so thin and always missing out on something, no matter what I do. When I stay in town to spend time with friends, I’m missing out on time with my Daddy. When I go visit him, I miss out on time with friends/family and local events.

He also can’t visit me almost ever because he has kids and a weird work schedule. So I’m the one doing most of the travelling and missing out on time at home, and leaving the really nice life I’ve made for myself. He does have to drive two hours to pick me up and drop me off part way so it’s not like he’s not putting in any effort but I’m still away from home a lot more than he is.

I have very few complaints about my Daddy and our dynamic, but the distance just sucks. How do you manage? How do you balance everything?

I (36F) have been exploring my submissive side (bedroom only) and one thing I’ve noticed is that I have two perspectives/persona’s/roles. The first I feel most comfortable with: it is the pleaser, the one who wants to serve (sexually), who wants to give and take to serve and please her Dom.

The other is something I crave, but there is definately a blockade, mostly because it feels much more vulnerable: the needy, desperate, wanting Sub. In general, I’m the type (eldest migrant daughter) who finds it difficult to ask for help and accept help, care and nurturing. However, I’m always ready to jump in. I’m proud of that side, but I sometimes wish I could receive the same care from someone else. So I desperately want to be that begging and needy Sub, but it feels so damn scary and vulnerable.

My question to you is basically how to bottom? I know there is not one flavor but many different ones, so I’m curious to hear how ya’ll navigate that or have navigated it to find out what fits best in what context and how to actually go to the place that feels most vulnerable?

I do have a bratty and switchy side to me as well, and especially when being the pleaser I do tend to be more assertive then I’d like, I still feel a certain pressure on me, its a mode of taking care instead of being taken care of. I hope this makes sense 😅

I already read the new bottoming book and the submissives training by Cramer.

My Daddy and I are long-distance but 24/7. I’m finding it continuously hard to transition to work and life sometimes. With play, it’s far more intense. But even in general, waking up naked with my collar on, plugged, and with a toy running in me of course keeps me in a submissive headspace... It’s even harder if I talk to Him on the phone. I call him Daddy in every sentence and He has gradually taken over making decisions for me.

We used to play without enough aftercare and zero transitioning, and I wound up having panic attacks at work. It was awful. Now, I get anxious about them happening again even though we’ve grown and do things differently. I’ll also feel very exposed and spacey at work sometimes, like everyone can sense my headspace.

I feel like after play I need to sleep in my regular pajamas with no plug or toy or anything. But even without play, it can be a little bit of a struggle if we talk on the phone before work. I feel so… childlike with him sometimes.

Do you ever take purposeful breaks from talking to your dom, or keep certain times off limits in order to have some alone time so that certain parts of you aren’t so hard to access/transition to? Or do you have any strategies/suggestions?

He is going to wake up at 7:30 for me tonight (he’ll only be getting 5-6 hours of sleep), and we’ll be on a video call until bed (he’ll eventually start working) and wake up in the morning that way. Usually we can’t talk this much on video, so I want to take advantage of it, but tonight I may ask to just have alone time. To be with myself. I know he’d be ok with it, but I feel guilty. I told Him a bit about how I was feeling earlier and He allowed me to just rest with no expectations in the interim.

He is truly amazing, reassuring and perceptive, and makes really great decisions for me. He takes good care of me.

Sometimes I just feel like I never have time to just be, even though I could ask for it or sometimes He will instruct me to rest. It’s just different though I guess. Maybe I’m just stressed more with life and work too.

Anyway… would love any feedback/suggestions/stories.

My dom has a habit that I find annoying but it’s conflicting. For example, yesterday in the morning we cuddled before I had to go back home (long distance). He started groping me, hurting my nipples until i cried out, choking me, crushing me and trapping me, all things I like in a scene. This will give me the impression that he’s about to fuck me, but then it’s like he realizes time has passed / he doesn’t want to / can’t / etc etc, and he will be like “well i guess we need to get up soon”

And I’m there like wtf… why did you do all of that right before I leave town with no release! I’ll be completely soaked through my pajama shorts and he doesn’t even acknowledge it! I find it rude and selfish and he did say he felt bad about it and he thought we had more time. That’s fine, whatever. It’s just hard for me to complain about it because i don’t want him to NEVER tease me, just stop working me up like crazy leading to nothing? Am I being too sensitive about this? (I am quite sensitive :) )

Hi!! New to this sub, but I have a pretty loose d/s relationship. I try to keep total submission to just sex, basing my whole relationship around the dynamic just isn’t for me.

My daddy is (to put it as nicely as I can think of) bad at aftercare. He’ll get a rag to clean me up, water if I need or ask, and after that, he half-holds me while scrolling on his phone. I try to ask for more attention, but he’ll just turn his phone off and sigh before either putting an arm over me or he’ll have me lay on him while he holds my back. Neither are bad!! But I don’t really feel cared for, y’know? I’ve had a lot of troubling experiences with sex in the past, but I don’t want to make my internal issues his problem, so I feel guilty telling him that what he does makes me feel disgusted with myself.

I’ve tried telling him that I’d prefer him telling me “positive affirmations” or just what he liked about the sex other than me “being tight” or my “reactions to what he does to me”. I love the physical affection, but it just makes me feel annoying/dirty if I can’t even get him to put his phone down while he holds me.

He is a wonderful man that I love being with. I struggle with my wording a lot, however, so I don’t know how to say I don’t like something he does because it just reminds me of the disgust and loneliness I felt from certain past encounters. I feel like he doesn’t understand how much it affects me to be tied up and fucked until my stomach hurts, mostly because he’s expressed how he doesn’t like how I talk about being in pain/worn out after sex even though I “don’t even do anything”. (Which is mostly fair, doggy and missionary are our go-to positions because my knees start to hurt bad when I ride reverse or just cowgirl.) I’ll give him blowjobs, but sometimes I get panicked when I go to breathe and inhale straight dick instead of much-needed air. I don’t really know what’s wrong with my body, but I get so tired from sex very fast, especially when there’s toys or ropes being added in.

Am I asking for too much considering I don’t do much giving? Sex always feels like an emotional battle I try to ignore, but it’s so hard to when he finally finishes and I don’t get any praise besides, “you’re so tight and warm” when I specifically ask what he liked about it. Am I being unreasonable? I feel guilty for feeling like this because he truly is a great partner and all around person.

And if I’m not, how do I go about telling him in a way that wouldn’t offend or make him feel bad?

(Any aftercare suggestions would be amazing, the only things I can find are “compliment your partner”, “check in with your partner” type of shit and I need specifics because I’ve never had a relationship with someone like this. I’ve never needed more aftercare than what he does, but he does so much during sex, I just get kinda sad that the after-care is so lackluster/not the same level as the sex itself was. Also very sorry for rambling, I have no friends I can talk to about these things :( .)

Edit:
While I absolutely understand the importance of aftercare now, it was not something I had even thought about until a few weeks ago. I have been with my man for over two years now, so please stop insinuating he is a bad person or that I should leave because I’m paranoid and don’t want to hurt the feelings of the person I love, even if unintentional. He is not the one telling me I’m unreasonable, that’s all me!! I’ve been fine with the aftercare in the past, but we’ve recently started getting into things I am completely new to. Hence why the aftercare is no longer the type I need.
This isn’t something either of us have experience with ! I’m looking for advice, not opinions on who he is, please. I have had talks about aftercare with him, but my trouble is figuring out how to describe what I want while making sense. I think in images mostly, I really should have been more clear in the fact that I don’t know how to word my needs and wants, not that he isn’t listening to me.

This is more a relationship question than a dynamic question, but I think there are relevant factors so I want to ask it here.

I'm struggling with there being areas in my relationship where I don't feel like my boyfriend and Dom leads or is responsible as much as I'd like. He's super emotionally and practically caring, and in scenes etc. things are generally pretty good, but he's quite a laid back, go with the flow guy, and I find myself getting irritated at the places he doesn't want to take initiative or responsibility. For instance ,in day to day decision making he says he genuinely doesn't mind, wants me to choose for trivial decisions most of the time. Or for bigger issues like finances where, although not out of the normal scope of reckless, I'm aware that I feel anxious at the thought that we talk about broad goals (getting married, travelling, buying a house) but I'm the only one putting away money whereas he travels a lot and is a bit more impulsive day to day. Now, maybe we're really just not long term compatible, but I do love him, and there are many ways I feel super loved and cared for, and I keep coming back to the thought that the submissive part of me will feel unsafe and irritated with anything less than someone who has a plan and more responsibility than me in basically every area thats important to me, which seems...unrealistic as a way to have a relationship with an actual human person, and not some romance novel hero who has no problems of their own to deal with. I haven't really felt able to talk about this much with him because I feel like it would just come across as unhelpful criticism and I know he already struggles with his self esteem. Is this a problem anyone else has faced in their relationships? Do you have any advice on either how to have a productive conversation with your partner about them leading more and taking more responsibility, or strategies you have used to think about this in a healthier way?

I will note this is my (31F) first proper relationship, I'm a pretty late bloomer, so I feel like I've got some learning to do on how to handle things here. We met through a BDSM personals subreddit, where I was specifically looking for a romantic relationship with D/S elements, and have been together 8 months now.

I know buttplugs aren’t exclusive to subs, but a warning for anyone who likes to wear them—

I bought an affordable jewel plug off Amazon just to try something new with my Dom. I had read warnings about them slipping in and thought that could NEVER happen to me.
I am so painfully tight that I got the smallest plug because ever a finger sometimes feels like too much….. so there’s no way an entire plug could accidentally push into my ass, right?
Incorrect 😔

Last night it happened and I have never been more shocked and my sexual confidence is weirdly shaken now as well.

The plug is still lodged inside, I have tried not to panic and help it work its way out. I’ll be going to the emergency room soon if I’m unable to work it out myself.

Tips for at home removal are welcome if anyone has been in this situation before 💔

UPDATE:
First- thank you all for your kind comments. Maybe it sounds silly but reading these when I was really going through it was so encouraging and honestly made me hold onto my sanity.
Second- I cannot overstate this enough 😵‍💫 a plug can slip inside of you even if it feels secure. I will NEVER use a plug with a round base again (tbh I will probably never put anything in my ass again lol let’s be real) EVEN IF YOU ARE TIGHT IT CAN HAPPEN ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

🎉 IT’S OUT 🎉
I tried for hours on my own. It was SO close, I felt like I could get it without help. But I couldn’t. I ended up breaking down and asking my partner for help.
I squatted down, gently pushed down with my thumb from inside my vagina. And he used two fingers to pull it free.

The smell was horrid 🫠 have a trashcan at the ready. Another tip- nitrile gloves helped.

I felt NOTHING when it went in. Coming back out was another story… beyond painful. But it was over quickly once I finally got help.

Thank you all in this community 🙏

I was a slave for a short period of time in a very long distance dynamic last summer. For many reasons, it didn’t work.

I’ve kept in contact with my former master almost everyday since then. It’s morphed into a like.. D/s-lite dynamic. We’ve had some small rules here and there but he’s since found another slave and I don’t believe he ever intends on taking me on again.

I am deeply, deeply attached. The rules even though they are small, and structured routine messages gave me stability and guidance from someone I really respect. At this point it’s close to the longest intimate relationship I’ve had with anyone, ever.

I’m not getting much emotional support from him, if at all. He gives me a safe space to say anything but it often feels like I’m speaking into a void. He hardly ever acknowledges the things I say. I can’t bear to hear about his slave. It truly sends me into multi-day spirals about how I’m just not enough- it’s a self worth thing, not something he’s explicitly said. But I can’t live in this almost-dynamic of not actually serving him and hoping someday, maybe he’ll change his mind. I am crying when I only get a message or two from him a day. I can’t live hinging on waiting for more of his attention.

I recently told him I can’t speak to him in the capacity that we have been. This is day two of not speaking to him at all and I feel like I’m going insane. I can’t talk to anyone in real life about it and I feel like the few who know the nature of the relationship are tired of hearing about it when everyone’s told me to leave time and time again.

I don’t really know what the point of this post is. I feel lonely and don’t really know how to stand on my own two feet. I want to just throw myself into BDSMpersonals or something and try to fill the hole but I know it doesn’t work that way. I wish he wanted me.

I lost my HusDom Saturday. That man was everything to me, we had an intense but absolutely amazing dynamic and I loved every second of being His. And now, I don't even know what to do. I'm not wearing my collar because we needed to buy a new lock for it, and now I can't even manage to even go over to his desk and look at it, let alone hold it. He passed away and it was extremely sudden.

Sir and I have a strict no secrets policy. He has two other subs, so transparency is absolutely crucial for our dynamic. Well, he thinks I broke that rule, and I guess he's technically right, but also I don't think so 😂 Let me explain:

I love writing eroticas just for myself, which he knows and he chooses not to read them out of respect for my preferences. But this morning I was talking on the phone with my sister and I mentioned that the erotica that I'm writing right now is low-key a fantasy of mine that I'd love to live out but know I never will (I didn't say what the fantasy was btw). Sir was in the room when I shared this and afterwards asked me about the fantasy, because he wanted to help me live it out if that was possible. I told him I didn't actually want to experience this fantasy and that it's just that, a fantasy. But now his curiosity was triggered and he wanted to know what the erotica was about, and I told him I wanted to keep it to myself.

He pointed out that that's blatantly against our no secrets rule. He said that since I was refusing to tell him, we had gone from him respecting my privacy preferences to me now keeping secrets. He said this matter-of-factly, as in he didn't mean to use this as a threat or anything like that to force me to tell him, but he did say he felt like a punishment was now necessary.

And yeah, technically he's right: we have a no secrets rule and I'm keeping a secret, so by our own standards I'm supposed to be punished. But I just don't think this warrants a punishment and that it isn't that big of a deal. He wouldn't even care about this erotica thing if I hadn't mentioned it in the first place.

I'm currently scheduled to be punished tomorrow afternoon, so it's not too late for me to appeal and convince him not to punish me, which has happened a few times before. I just don't know what my case would be other than "I don't want to be punished." Like, of course not, that's what makes it a punishment 😂

I could also safe word I suppose, but I'd rather just take the punishment than do that.

Idk, if anyone has any ideas, let me know. Should I be punished? Should I try to talk Sir out of it? What do y'all think?

❤️❤️❤️

My daddy said I can pick out a special piece of collared jewellery to wear all the time to show I'm his (Can't even explain how excited I am!) but it needs to be subtle, and be something that isn't too tight (I get claustrophobic around my neck).

It doesn't necessarily need to be a necklace but I do a lot with my hands so that's probably most practical.

I live in Australia, but if anyone knows and good sites to start looking, I'd love any recommendations you have please?

Thankyou in advance!

What are some telltale signs that a person is trying to force you into a top/dom role? If you have encountered them, how did you handle the situation? I was curious how things are handled in the current BDSM scene.

Thank you in advance.