r/SubSanctuary

I’m not sure if this is the right space but I hope it is!!

Okay so, I’ve got a conundrum with my dom/daddy. There is someone willing to buy me a collar, but daddy isn’t comfortable with it. I just wanna know if someone can explain like why…? He tried but I’m still very confused

I live with my parents and am unable to buy it myself but I’m going to England in a couple months where I will be able to meet up with said person. Daddy is also unable to buy it for me due to me leaving with parents and being under a few restrictions and stuff.

The collar isn’t exactly for kink play/puppy play/collaring purposes. It’s more a very very cute collar that I think is adorable and I would love to wear just because it’s adorable and makes me happy. It’s part leather with a metal dog bone clip thing with lots of stars and decorations and comes with a leash.

But again, I wouldn’t really be using it for kink play and would most likely not use the leash. Daddy explained that buying someone a collar is a very personal and sentimental thing. Explained it in the way of almost an engagement ring in kink settings. (Aka him explaining it in a way me and my autism could understand).

While I understand his point of view I still don’t understand how it is still sentimental and stuff if I’m not using it for kink play and rather as an accessory. If anyone could maybe explain or has some ideas on how this would work that would be helpful ❤️

In the past couple of years I experienced some online sub/dom relationships. 2 were long-term and ended with me being ghosted. Recently i tried finding someone new but all im getting are people trying to pray upon my vulnerability and push me past my limits. I just really dont understand why people do this, it has made me deeply tired of people pretending to be doms when they are obviously sadistic sociopaths. Im obviously not saying all doms are like that and also know subs can be extremely toxic too. I just wanted to vent in a community that understands me. In my opinion is the best to completely give up being submissive and try to repress everything im sure it wont be that bad.

Long post, but I really need perspective. This was my first D/s relationship, and I genuinely don’t know if what we experienced is normal or if we simply fell far deeper than either of us expected to.

Two months ago, I met my first Sir online. What started as curiosity slowly became part of my everyday life. We talked constantly. Texts, calls, voice notes, photos. Over time we built rituals, emotional intimacy, anticipation, comfort, vulnerability. From the beginning, there was an undeniable chemistry and pull between us that neither of us tried to deny.

Honestly, we became a little addicted to each other.

The dynamic slowly became more than just D/s. We talked about kink, fantasies, tasks, punishments, but also our daily lives, values, fears, interests, and emotional worlds. Somewhere along the way, it became impossible to pretend this was “just” a dynamic anymore.

There were moments of jealousy, moments where distance hurt more than it should have, moments where silence felt unbearable. On quieter days, I missed him immediately, and he admitted he felt the same way.

At one point I asked him if what I was feeling was normal. He told me that in the ten years he had been doing this, this was the first time he had ever felt this way too.

We lived in different countries, which somehow intensified everything. There was longing, mystery, anticipation. We planned to finally meet in person when he traveled to my part of the world.

Then shortly before the trip, his health became unstable. ER visits, uncertainty, talks about canceling everything entirely. But despite all of it, he kept saying he still wanted to meet me.

And somehow, despite all the push and pull, we kept choosing each other every single day.

When we finally met after all that anticipation, it felt deeply significant. Something that almost never happened finally did.

And then almost immediately after, he told me I would be his last sub. He planned to step away from kink entirely to focus on his health and recovery, and possibly return home.

What we felt was intense, consuming, and painfully real.

We both knew that outside this connection, we had real lives, and realistically things could become very messy very quickly. So even though the chemistry between us was overwhelming, we held back physically because we both knew crossing certain lines would make walking away even harder.

We spent nine hours together.

Two months of anticipation, emotional intimacy, and nonstop connection, only to lead to nine actual hours together before goodbye.

And I genuinely do not know how to process that.

What hurts most is that this didn’t end because the feelings disappeared. There was no betrayal, no fight, no dramatic collapse. If anything, it ended because the feelings had become too real, too emotionally dangerous for both of us.

It feels like terrible timing and impossible circumstances gave something meaningful an incredibly short lifespan.

At the moment we still check in once a day, but I no longer know what we are to each other now. Sir, friend, or simply two people who affected each other deeply at the wrong time.

I think what makes this hardest is how unresolved it feels.

Has anyone else experienced this level of emotional intensity in D/s before? And how do you process the grief of something that was brief, mutual, meaningful, and very real?

Because right now I feel genuinely heartbroken, and I miss him far more than I know how to explain.

Someone ones told me there’s was

Having there dom finger them in a feeled but the details was insain

Or having them stand in the bath a pee there pants

I have a Sir and a Daddy who I really am in love with.

Something happened last week where my Sir had to sort out something very serious. We are both Christian so he's praying about it.

I've been doing my best to keep obeying his rules. He's asked me to be patient while he works out what he has to do.

I feel gutted. I'm finding it hard to keep obeying him when he's not in contact. I feel like a clock that's losing its tick, like I'm slowing down without him.

If it doesn't work out I know I'll be ok. I like like him so much and feel lost without him.

I can't talk to my friends about this. I'm fretting about it and feel like I'm pining for him. 😭

M26 I dont have any experience at all doing this stuf, but i rly want to get a Mistress. Are there any things i need to know ?

My daddy had a bad day & I want to surprise him in some way. I’ve done little photo shoots in the past. What are some other things I could text him so that he has a little surprise waiting when he wakes up?

What is your favorite way, or the most effective way, for you to *feel* connected to your D-type, if you're LD?

I have a handful of rules. I know some of you have tasks, or rituals. Tell me about them, please?

I just officially got asked to be his princess!

Today was my last day of finals. I passed!

I let go of the old and now I'm stepping into the new.

I have a daddy 😭🎀, he's tall (6'3), handsome, colored eyes, lifts and tattoos. Hes emotionally intelligent, he's smart, strong work ethic and treats me like I'm the only girl in the world.

Quick vent:

I hate it when Daddy says I can only get stuff like photos or voice messages if I’m good. I feel like that stuff should be normal to compensate for us being long distance!!!!!!
Like I can only hear his voice maybe 2 times a week and then I personally send photos whenever I’m doing something I want to share but he never does. Argggggggg

Since smells are so strongly tied to memories and associations, I was wondering if there’s anyone here who has a certain smell/perfume/cologne they associate with dominance and/or submission?

Say before you go out to a sex club with your domme, maybe she has a signature scent she wears (Bath and body works, designer fragrances, etc.) Does that have an effect on you and your submission? Or do you wear one to signal your submission to your domme or get in the headspace for it?

Personally, scent affects me, especially when mommy wears her Billie Eilish perfume I bought for her as a Christmas gift. Whether it’s at a sex club or during a scene, it works on me. I also have one that I wear for her and I call it “Boy Slut” hehe, helps put me into a subby, and mischievous headspace. 😈

Background context: I’ve been in the scene for ~10 years, had multiple play partners and 1 long-term Dom throughout that time. I’m married, in an open relationship and we’ve been open since the start of our relationship. Mostly due to our kinks that don’t align (he isn’t comfortable in a Dom or sadistic role like I enjoy).

I played with someone last night, our first time together. We chatted for a month before meeting each other for drinks last week. Last night was tame considering the stuff I used to get into. There was some light choking, slapping, some degrading things said. We ended with paddling + a few spanks that nearly hit my pain threshold. It was clear we were both tired and I got the impression they wanted me to leave, so I did. I felt icky when I got home, the only text I got from “Dom” was “Thanks for coming over tonight. My hips really hurt”. This morning I felt what I remembered as sub drop but I’m confused because I’ve had wayyyy more intense scenes and didn’t experience the drop at all.

I text the “Dom” this morning to let them know the headspace I was in and I feel so unsatisfied with their answer. I feel like my phone had gone off every 10 minutes the past month with messages from them and last night + today has been… dry. Text thread below:

Me: Hey this feels really awkward and embarrassing. Especially since last night was pretty light. But it’s been a while since I’ve played in a more submissive role and I think I’m having a bit of sub drop ? I’m just not feeling super great

“Dom”: I don’t think I’m fully understanding.

Me: What part are you not understanding

“Dom”: Never mind I think I just misread. I’m sorry to hear that, is there anything I can do to help. Don’t feel embarrassed about it. Last night was intense in a different way and how your body recovers is natural.

Me: I think I just need some reassurance. I didn’t feel like I needed it in the moment and I got a little spacey after the spanking. But immediately following the spanks would’ve been a good time for that.

“Dom”: Absolutely! That’s why I laid in front of you, but you were so out of it, I didn’t want to me infringe on your process. Now that I know, I got you. No worries

… and that was it. No follow ups, no other messages. Am I overreacting? My gut tells me they aren’t a good fit and they don’t prioritize after care which feels REALLY important for the more intense things I like.

Idk. Just looking for someone to chat this out with til this feeling goes away.

I’ve had about 3 (mostly online) dynamics now and in all of them, my dom will try to set me tasks. Often these are sexual in nature but not always - it might be ‘send a nude while hitting a submissive pose’ or just a ‘ask permission before doing x’.

Either way, I find that I really don’t enjoy these. It’s fine with in-person play, but in a 24/7 online dynamic it’s like… I have a busy life! I have a job to work, friends to see, hobbies to do and errands to run, so having to add another thing to the list often feels like a chore. Or I’ll be cosy in bed reading a book, and my dom will ask me to get up and take a picture, and it’s like… ughhhh.

I know you can always safeword, but I find that in practice doms will get frustrated if you constantly safeword to get out of tasks. I’ve had doms suggest that I’m not really a sub because I don’t like tasks, or that I’m a disobedient sub.

Does anyone else relate or have any tips on how to navigate this? TIA!

Could you/would you even want to be with a Dom who was by all accounts amazing, but not that into you?

I have known my friend who is an amazing Dom for about 8 months. I could list the things that make him awesome. The number one thing is, he is safe. He is so safe, trustworthy, honest, and real. We have played CNC, for example. I just mean, he knows what he is doing, and he's a lot of safe fun.

We are LD, FWB's, bedroom only, S&M, D/s.

Bc we are truly non-romantic, FWBs, bedroom only, I'm not sure if I'm wanting too much, or if he just can't meet me, and that's OK, if so.

For context, we are both in our 40s. I would consider him attractive. He has said he thought I was when we first sent pics... I'm not ashamed of my looks, I'm pretty, tall, and thick. When we met I had lost a lot of weight, and just had weight loss surgery earlier this year. He knew that's what I was doing when we met.

Well, at first I thought bc I needed the surgery he was not as into me, but I was ok to see where things went. I had the surgery, and I've seen him since. I still feel like, he just isn't that attracted/into me.

On my way to see him the first time after surgery I told myself, I'll be with him anyway, just so I can explore these things [it is SO HARD finding decent Daddy Doms!!!] However, after our recent meeting, I'm not sure I can.

This is what I mean: He has never complimented me, in any way shape or form since meeting. I shared ALL pics before we ever met. I told him, "It's ok if you're not into me." He assured me he was. But words of affirmation now about looks and whatnot are not there. I don't fish, and he doesn't give. [We've only had sex a few times btw so there hasn't been a lot of opportunity]. He doesn't talk dirty to me with words like, "sexy, hot, etc..." We don't passionately make out. I even stated once, "I don't think you're that into me/attracted to me," and he ignored that text. He also doesn't do a lot of talking about anything else though.... Like, I've had men say, how much they love my pussy, or xyz, while fucking, but he doesn't.

Now, we hang out, cuddle, have sex, do all the things with that, he is affectionate before, and after, he gives me aftercare, etc. He will hold me all night, and give me small kisses.

Again, I'm not sure I want to throw the whole man away, bc I have ZERO other complaints. He handles conflict well, his communication is great, for a FWBs, bedroom only Dom, I would gatekeep his ass FOREVER.

However, Idk if it's really sustainable for me. I feel like maybe if I just treated him as someone I saw for casual bdsm hookups.... but trying to treat him like he's my Dom, when I don't feel fully chosen, is not working.

Maybe I want too much from this type of connection?

This is my first real dynamic.

Hello everyone! If this isn't allowed on this subreddit I totally understand and will take it being deleted if it needs to be !!

A small conversation I was not a part of on Twitter got me thinking a bit deeper about subspace and consent than I have in the past.

I have never been a part of any sexual situation, let alone in or with someone in subspace. My knowledge is from reading about it, reading stories, etc. from an outside pov.

With this said, I'm not here to judge because I am very interested in bdsm myself and believe I would be submissive.

I am very curious how the kink community, bdsm, and especially subs feel about subspace and consent.

Someone on Twitter mentioned that subspace makes it so someone can not consent. This makes sense to me, and I always sorta saw this but it got me thinking more deeply.

Would this mean that all sexual interactions after subspace would have to be stopped because the sub can no longer consent at all and would be worried about making their dom happy? Or does it just put emphasis on the already very important discussions, negotiations, safe words, etc put in place? And no negotiations and no adding new things to the scene while the sub is in subspace?

I always just assumed it meant that nothing new should be negotiated in an actual bdsm scene when the sub is in subspace. This would make sense to me! The sub would possibly agree to anything a dom says so it's unsafe to do it during the scene (at least that's what I see it as, or how I feel most people do!).

But it got me thinking that if a sub can't consent to changing negotiations, how does the sub consent to the situation itself? Is it simply through use of the safeword? Or is there more to it?

I'd love to hear people's thoughts and get to know what people think on this subject because I'm not an all knowledgeable bdsm person but I like to believe I have a small grasp of it and this made me think a bit more into it.

I know fanfiction, fiction in general, does not depict bdsm correctly all the time and is usually just for the sex and not much else. It takes liberties to make it more sexy/entertaining to the read. so it'd be nice to hear from people in the community instead of people just in fandoms.

Thank you! And again if this isn't a valid post here I apologize :)

small edit before it's responded to: again, this is not judgemental at all! Either way I'm not judging and just trying to understand as someone who has yet to get myself into a sexual situation and who would like to both be safe in a relationship in the future and portray bdsm accurately in fiction if I were to write it, and to know if its accurate in fiction I read. <3

EDIT: thank you to everyone responding !! I would really like to apologize if my post came off as me saying subs can't consent at all. I have always believed that subs can't consent before hand for things that are done during scenes. I had just seen someone post a "people in subspace can't consent" thing on Twitter and was following up on it to fully try to understand, and maybe get context to some of these things! I am not trying to say that subs can't consent, trying to infantilize them, or anything like that and I do apologize if this is how it comes off. I do understand where those thoughts come from but it's just an open discussion to fully understand. Thank you all for being open and telling me how you feel about it!!!!

My (29m) wife (33f) are a cuckold/hotwife already but she is looking at taking it a step further. She wants to try some long term live in bull stuff. She said she wants to go stay with a guy for a couple of weeks and then come back after. She doesn’t work so we could try this but I was curious if anyone else had tried this before?

I know a lot of people on here seem to be in LDRs or online dynamics. Does anyone have an app controlled toy rec that isn’t $200+? I don’t mind investing in the future, but right now it isn’t really an option. I got a cheapy one off of amazon & when it works its great but when it doesn’t it sucks LOL esp if we’re in the middle of playtime😅

so the past couple of times I’ve played, I’ve felt.. floaty? maybe? idk kinda like I’m far away and genuinely like I’d do whatever i was told. but it’s weird cause it’s long distance so it’s just me doing the things I’m being told. my question is what does subspace look and feel like? i don’t know if that’s what i experienced but it’s the only thing i can think of.

Does anyone have punishment idea or suggestions? We are seriously leaning into our dynamic now and desperately need recs for punishments!! Anything is welcome!