r/SubSanctuary

I have a task - one last task to earn grooming appointments for the weekend. I think Ive been a good sub and completing tasks throughout the week. This one last task involves an anal plug which I am…still lacking in training. I’ve done it before at his guidance. I tried doing it on my own and I was unsuccessful. The dom is MIA because he’s sick. I think I can do it. I want to slow but he’s very pedantic. And I worked so hard. It’s getting in my head.

I should have a go at it, right.

Edit: Cut out the post body for my comfort. Turns out all of the accountability was a liiiieeeeee. We're breaking up. Thank you guys for your input, it helped.

TLDR: My boyfriend started conditioning me to behave a certain way in response to what he says for certain things, and did not get my consent for it whatsoever. It's been a little over a month of this. I'm wanting to break up or cut out our sex until he learns what consent is, but am conflicted.

I don't know I'm technically a submissive, but I wanted to share my story and I feel like a lot of y'all would appreciate it. My girlfriend has also shared her side of the story in reddit before but I'm not sure on which subreddits, so if this sounds familiar that's why.

I have a really good friend who I'm going to refer to as Livi in this post (anyone who knows us personally will get why this is funny 😂). We've known each other for about three years, and have been very close since day one. She's a couple years older than me and we kind of formed a big sister/little brother relationship.

About a year after we met my Mom passed away very suddenly, and Livi was in the room with me when I found out. She's naturally very nurturing and a natural caretaker, so she kind of took me under her wing per se after that. I genuinely don't know if I would have survived the next few months without her.

I'm not sure exactly when it was, but at some point I really wanted to try out chastity, specifically wearing a chastity cage and having a keyholder. I wasn't sure who to ask, but I trusted her more than anyone else. So I asked if she would be interested, and she said she would have to look some stuff up and think it over.

A couple weeks later she told me she'd be willing to try it out. I locked myself in a cage on January 1st, 2026, and gave her the key next day.

She's an absolute natural and took to being a keyholder so well! It was really embarrassing the first few times I asked for the key, but she never made it humiliating for me until we were both more comfortable. She said no a few times in the first couple months, and at one point playfully warned me not to ask for the key so often, but usually she was really kind and sweet as we tried this out as friends.

I think it was in March that she started having some more fun with it. I'll never forget the time I texted her on my break and asked if I could swing by and get the key after work, and she said "Only if you bring me my favorite coffee." I think if I had gotten the wrong kind, she would have locked me up for a month! But when she sipped the coffee and saw that I got the right stuff, and then grinned and handed me the key.... it was just the best feeling ever! I felt so validated and approved of!

We've really progressed a long way since the first day. I'm expected to show her the upmost respect and be on call whenever she needs a favor or a helping hand. She loves teaing me, like saying little innuendos when we're in public that only I would get. Like if someone asks if she's free on a certain day she'll say "sorry, I'm a bit locked up that day," stuff like that.

So yeah, this was a fun thing for us both, and it was sweet that we were able to keep it strictly platonic and it never got sexual or romantic. We're still honorary brother and sister, even if she does have a certain level of control over my sexuality.

Anyway, I also met this girl whom I'm going to refer to as Mia. She's very pretty and fun and we vibe really well together, and after a while I knew I wanted to get closer to her. I asked Livi if she was okay with this (just to double-check our boundaries) , and she got so excited! There was a lot of real big sister energy from her!

So I asked Mia out, we went on a few dates and had a ton of fun, but no sex. She's very conservative sexually and wasn't interested in having sex with someone she wasn't committed to. Livi unlocked me for the first date, but once Mia told me this boundary I never asked Livi for the key on any other date. But we had a ton of fun and got to know each other well enough that I could tell we both wanted to make our relationship official and committed.

So about this time I told her about my arrangement with Livi. This absolutely blew her mind cuz she had never even heard of this concept before. I explained it as best as I could, but she just didn't get it. But she wanted to make us work, so she said she'd be willing to do some research. I know she asked for some advice in reddit, which was very helpful (so if there happens to be anyone here who helped her, thank you so much!)

Eventually Mia and I became an official couple, with Livi still acting as my key holder. There were a lot of ups and downs for the first few months, and we all had lots of conversations (me and Mia, me and Livi, Mia and Livi, and all three of us at once). We had to redraw boundaries a couple of times because we realized certain things just weren't working, but we seem to have a system that works now.

The plan right now is that I'll continue to wear my cage with Livi as my keyholder until December 31st. At that point, Mia would like a break and have a time period without the whole chastity thing. We're not sure how long that will last, but whenever it's ended Livi says she'll love to hold the key again as long as she's not with anyone yet.

So yeah, thanks for reading!

I was speaking to this guy like over a month ago and we just didn’t click
We spoke about sexual stuff then 3 hours later when I was telling him I was being sick and not well he brought it back up.
I told him no and then he had a massive go at me saying I started it.
The next day I explained that why I’m not well or being sick I don’t want to talk about sex.

He went off on one again accusing me of all sorts.
He made me sick with stress and didn’t care.

So I walked away
Today I put a post up he saw he message me saying “ how many doms have you scared off”
I asked him why he was attacking me

I don’t understand at all
Why did he message me?

I love the movie Babygirl, I’ve seen it several times. I think the way the guy portrays being dominant is so good.

Well, I told my dom I liked that movie and he made me chug a glass of milk and then called me a good girl after. It was so fun hahaha since if you didn’t know, that’s a scene from the movie

If you're comfortable can you share a Pic of what you wore or describe it? Visiting our local dungeon soon and throwing some ideas around in head

This our first trip together and it was very sudden but we here now. Im working (travel dancing) and was just gonna focus on my girls + sleep. But now I got this fine ass man with me 🥹

I'm gonna be going thru ovulation and that mullet & mustache combo really got me going thru it 😭

I just want to trace my tongue along his tattoos and be a complete slut 😫

Any other subs with a poly dom? Today is one of those days I'm struggling with not being the only one. He has a full and busy life. We both do. But it's hard when I'm feeling sad and needing somebody and he's not there because that's not the type of relationship we have. How do you deal with the times he's inattentive?

Hi! I’m pretty new to everything but i’ve been interested in this community for a long time since I just couldn’t stand vanilla sex in the slightest lol

I initially thought about it since the rules in bed never seemed enough to scratch that itch that I had, and I wanted to keep following those rules even after the scene was done with- then i heard abt 24/7 play and got hooked. Had fantasy’s about it, specifically non-sexual play and following basic rules like drink water, 3 meals a day, no back-talk, ect ect. Either way, i found a perfect dom and my daddy is so sweet and we click so well already and i’m so happy I met him!!

But everything kinda feels weird? My brain is kinda constantly in a floating state like a fog and i can’t seem to focus on much of anything other than what my daddy tells me to do which is amazing and i love it but it feels like I’m perpetually on the edge of sub-space and i don’t know how it’ll affect my relationships and goals in life if this keeps going on like this? I love this feeling and its amazing and he praises me for doing the bare minimum and i just feel so special its amazing-

Today i had to go out with a family member of mine just to go shopping and the whole time i was just shaky and i felt so fragile- i thought it mightve been normal so i kept it to myself but i should probably say something to him- no i know i should because he’d wanna know but what if this isnt normal and i’m the weird one? I don’t know, is this normal for anyone else whos done 24/7 play?

hi, im a part of a DID system, the biological age of which is 26 (almost 27). i've only posted here once before, but I'm on a different account than usual cause i can't get into my normal one. it's hard for me to even come into spaces like this because i feel so alone as a little/age regressor, i've never had a good experience with a dom but i also cant turn this part of myself off or ignore it because for me it's a completely involuntary dissociative response related to CPTSD. i feel so alone in it that i don't even like to talk to other littles/subs about it because i usually feel like they don't get how mentally scary and unpleasant my experience with being a sub is for me, and/or i'm jealous of them for having a more positive experience. i don't want to be out right now because i don't feel safe or have any people or strategies that i can use as an effective emotional anchor, but the whole system is really stressed out right now so i'm kind of getting stuck at the front tonight. i had a destabilising experience today and i'm really overwhelmed and stressed out because i live alone so i have no distraction, my phone isn't working rn so i can't contact anyone, and i'm all alone in this apartment i live in and have to figure out how to go to bed and eat and i just want a grownup

I am planning to do a more intense impact play scene with my Dom later tonight and I’m feeling nervous. I’m not new to submission, or impact play, or being with my Dom, but truthfully we don’t do intense scenes that often because of time constraints. If anyone could share what they usually do to mentally prepare for intense scenes that would be very helpful!

Edit: due to those same time constraints, it’s actually not happening anymore tonight lol, but thank you for the advice!

It's been amazing. Since April. LDR with scheduled monthly visits back and forth. Routinely daily talks. Gaming, laughing. Growing trust. Aftercare. Affection. Communication. Then last night, all came crashing down.

He has trauma, I accepted it. He opened up over time. During picnics , me in his arms, rubbing his back. Face touches, gentle moments. And he asked for the same as we also shared a partnership aside the dynamic. I've been so supportive, loving. Got him shoes as his was falling apart so his back would feel better during work. He needed them. But I haven't brought it up or made a big deal. I just care for him. Do these things cause I care and it helps.

I've slowly been opening up, he has been asking me to. That he wanted to be a safe place for me to And he's been accepting. Kind. Caring. And finally. I did about something very personal. I wont say directly. I'll say a mental diagnosis. But one that I've done therapy work for years on, and do not project on to others. Doesn't even enter my mind to harm anyone. More so depression I deal with and trust. But I attend therapy and keep with my routine. You wouldn't know I had it by meeting me. But he accepted I had trauma and depression before that. And am self aware. He accepted I had chronic illness as well.

I didn't know his abusive ex had it to. Did not seek treatment and hurt him. I had no idea.

He told me he would not judge me based on it. But in my actions. He had said I've been wonderful, a great addition to his life, a positive presence and so on. And after I told him, at first he was very accepting. Said he would not judge me but on how I've treated him, which I've treated him extremely well. And loving. Said he sees us together for years to come.

And tonight we had a long talk. He suddenly got defensive, overwhelmed. I did not push anything, even asked if he needed to stop, he said to stop acting like that. And assumed I was being sarcastic and jabbing. I said I wasn't at all, but wondering if we needed to not converse about it, if it felt not safe to continue. He apologized and said he wanted to keep talking. So we did.

He said he still trusted me but now he has to watch out for things. It hurt but I knew he had trauma. So I was a bit choked up. Wondering what I could do to make him feel safer. If he ever would. I felt hurt that I hadn't done anything to him, and yet he said he felt safe with me then said this contradictory thing.

And how it felt confusing saying he still trusted me, that things felt the same, but yet would have to watch out when I have no intention to hurt him. I said I didn't understand how he could feel both. And how that felt to me. As gentle as possible, just explaining my feelings. As he had said in the past he'd rather we keep communicating to understand each other. So I took his lead with that. We'd been open and always did well stopping to understand each other.

He then stopped and said he had to take time to reevaluate if he was saying things because he wanted to believe the words. I asked if he was breaking up with me and he said in a reply video " no, I'm not breaking up with you but need time to see if I said things because they were true or I want them to be true ". At first I didn't understand if he meant from my earlier question and needed a break from the convo, so asked if a phone call would clarify and help me understand. And he said" no. a phone call today would not end up with a positive result " and I said I understood. I was not pushy and the whole discussion wasn't trying to accussional but trying to understand him and some things that didn't make sense. That he finally acknowledged he realized and needs to think about.

I said I'm sorry if I did anything wrong. He said neither of us did. And I sent a recording asking for clarifying on some time and I'm trying to believe what he says about not breaking up and that I hope he judges me on how I treat him like he was saying. Granted was choked up as I said it in the voice memo.

He then finally texted " I'm going to take a day maybe two I'm gonna talk to myself and I talk to some people that I value their opinion and then I will talk to you "

I said I understood and he said " Talk to you soon ( my name ).

That was earlier this morning and I dunno what to think. Everything was great. Communication. The relationship. The dynamic we were growing. I've just been in tears. I understand trauma. Very. If I went by it I'd never look at a man again with what I've been through. But work through it. And he said he had worked through his. And so I just felt safe to come forward about things. And at first he very much accepted it. Then started saying things like " I will not walk on eggshells for you or anyone. Or ever go through what I did again " in this tone. And it felt so abrupt. Because I never asked him to. I said how it felt like he wasn't even talking to me.

He admitted it may have come from a place of defensiveness but he was forthright in saying it. It just felt like I was labled something without having done anything. When he told me in the past that he wouldn't like if I treated him a certain way due to untrust or things I went through despite his good nature.

Now outright I'm needed time away from. And don't know if I can believe anything he's said. I'm beside myself. And wish I never said anything. I don't mind the space, he can have it. But it feels like he'll throw everything away on crimes I've never committed.

He said it's good we talked and it would have happened anyway, that he doesn't know the outcome of the talk. And just seemed casual about it.

I just don't understand. I know trauma is different for everyone. But I was going off what he said. Before he did a total 180. And here I'm left wondering if I'll still be in his life in two days. For things I've never done 😞

I guess I'm going to sound like a complete sociopath for doing this but I cannot let things go so I did it. A while ago I reported a ad on personalbdsm and I also asked in their community if they would take reporting seriously. they jumped on me and said you are kink shaming, there is no need to report, they blocked me from the community and blocked my account on their site too. so I messaged the person who made the ad because I'm that kind of person and needed to prove to at least myself I was not wrong. we get to talking and guess what? I was right. I reported his ad because he was asking for an absuive relationship. people in the community kept telling me "no it is just a fantasy". when I asked him so you mean you like role-playing as a very abusive person? he said no the word "role playing" is a huge turn off for me. I want to actually abuse and I want to break someone so much they would never leave. I told him but it must be just a fantasy for you, otherwise you would just go out find a random girl, court her and then abuse her, but you dont do that, you post ads to let others come to you. and he said "why do you assume I never do that?". apparently he had a girlfriend who he beat regularly and reduced her contact from family and support groups until she finally escaped to her own country.

long story short. I was right, anyone who advertises such abusive kinks is actually an abuser. he was not looking for roleplay, not fantasy. he was genuinely looking for someone to abuse and he was frustrated that anyone he talks too eventually blocks him. (because everyone messaged him for the fantasy of being abused, but he literally wanted to abuse. so they blocked him). I'm saying this here to let you all know that you need to be careful. and also fuck the moderators of that community who tried to silence me but this actual abuser with an ex girlfriend on the run form him is still there and still free to advertise himself!

Does anyone else want the whole princess treatment? Like being spoiled, adored, praised, and handled with care BUT also crave a little roughness and intensity sometimes?

Like… I want to be treated delicately but I also want a Dom who knows when I need something a little less delicate. Anyone else?

(It turned out a bit long, sorry 😓 also I'm a girl)

I’m a sub and I’ve had some experience with BDSM, but I’ve never really had a long-term partner with whom I could properly explore this side of myself. Now that I’m single, I’d like to find someone I can play with regularly. I’m not necessarily looking for a romantic relationship, but if something more developed naturally, I’d be open to that too.

Recently, I met a Dom(me) online and we clicked really quickly. We talked a lot, started playing online after about a week, and the dynamic between us felt great. We also got along really well outside of BDSM and could talk about everyday things, joke around, etc. After a few weeks, we started discussing meeting in person.

One thing that was important to me was meeting in a public place first rather than immediately meeting at a hotel. I had only seen one photo of her, we had never video-called, and I had never actually met her in person. So, for my own safety, I wanted to make sure she was actually the person I had been talking to, see how we got along in person, and simply check whether there was any chemistry before going somewhere private.

She had previously said that there was no need to rush anything, that my safety was important to her, and that everything would happen at my pace. So I thought this was completely reasonable.

However, when the time came to actually arrange the meeting, she said that meeting somewhere first would be a waste of time and money because we don't live very close to each other, and that she needed to think about it (but I would have been the one to travel to her). After that, our communication very noticeably decreased. She said she was busy, which I completely understood, and I didn't want to pressure her.

After about two weeks of barely talking, things didn't really return to how they had been before. Eventually, when I asked what was happening with the meeting, she told me that she didn't really have time for any kind of relationship right now, but that if I wanted, we could meet at a hotel, have some fun, and then go our separate ways. It was her who wanted a 24/7.

I wasn't looking for a one-night encounter or a one-off scene with someone I barely knew, so I declined. That was the end of that.

Now I'm talking to another Dom(me). She's quite different from the first one and is looking for more of a longer-term play partner situation rather than a 24/7 dynamic, which I'm completely fine with. We actually met in person first, just normally, and it went really well. We talked about meeting again for a scene, and I'm happy to see where things go.

However, lately she's also been much less communicative because she's busy. Normally I would have no problem with that. I understand that people have work, lives, responsibilities, etc., and I'm not someone who expects constant attention or gets upset if someone doesn't have time to talk.

But after what happened with the first Dom(me), I'm starting to wonder whether I'm now projecting that experience onto this situation. Maybe she's genuinely just busy. Or maybe she's losing interest and I'm just reluctant to accept it because of what happened before.

So I'm wondering what do you think about this? Have you ever had an experience like this?

And also, is it unreasonable to expect a first meeting with someone you've only known online to be in a public place before going somewhere private? Personally, I feel like that's a pretty basic safety precaution, especially when you haven't even had a video call with the person.

I'd especially love to hear experiences from you. Is this kind of intense communication at the beginning, followed by a significant decrease once meeting/playing becomes a real possibility, common in BDSM dating? Or am I simply overthinking things because of my previous experience?

P.S. I’ve started wondering if maybe the problem is me? Am I saying something I shouldn't? The situation is a bit disheartening.

hey everyone 💕 

i'm super new to anything sex or kinky related, i've never been withsomeone and wanted to try something different. i found someone to teah me and he's great so far, we've been trying some stuff and i wanted to find someplace that i could share and show off my milestones.

so could you help a fellow sub with indications of where i could post that? we're mostly doing edging and tease and denial and im also super submissive too.

i'll keep waiting on your indications 🫶

While I generally prefer lube and don't particularly enjoy walking around with a sore asshole, I often want the first moment of anal penetration to be a bit sudden and painful. I find those first few moments of stetching and "pressure" around that area very pleasurable when we do it unlubed, and I find that the lingering pain and slight sting from every thrust actually enhances the pleasure from the rest of the act for me.

Is it safe to do this? We do use lube after the first couple of minutes because I get very sore and that chafing burning sort of pain doesn't feel nice. And I do frequently do enemas before the act so it's not like I'm totally unprepared for penetration. I just worry if we'll maybe tear something down there in our carelessness. Is it weird, does anyone else do this?

So recently I was trying to pinpoint the moment I realized I was a sub.

I've always felt drawn to submission and was curious about it, but I vividly remember one incident that sealed the deal:

My husband came home from work one evening exhausted, and I kneeled down to help him take off his shoes. When I looked up at him, I felt my stomach drop. And I was like "Oh? Ooooh......!"

It just felt so right being in this position hahaha, and the rest is history.

Do any of you have a specific sub awakening moment like this?

Im new to asking here on reddit, so I hope this is the right place, if not Im sorry. Im 26F, Im a sub. I know that I want to be dominated in bed, in previous relationships I have tried to communicate that, but it never felt right. When I sleep with someone I want them to take charge, but as soon as I feel like they are in charge I resist, part of me wants to yield and part of me wants to fight and I dont know what else I can do or try, if any of you understand or have some advice I would truly appreciate that.

I’m not sure how else to phrase this question lol. How do you keep yourself from obsessing over your Dom? Especially if they’re long distance? I’m starting to wonder if I have a sex addiction or some form of it at this point because all I do is think about him and doing things with him and obeying him. It’s completely taking over my life. I’m very much a brat and he is just TOO good at taming me.. with just words or a look… and Daddy’s punishments are perfect. He always keeps me wanting more. I just don’t know how I’m expected to lead a normal life outside of this dynamic when I would likely be totally happy locked up in his house, waiting to please him. I should also mention, we’ve only been talking for a little over a month. If anyone can relate… does this fade?