How to explain I need more aftercare?
Hi!! New to this sub, but I have a pretty loose d/s relationship. I try to keep total submission to just sex, basing my whole relationship around the dynamic just isn’t for me.
My daddy is (to put it as nicely as I can think of) bad at aftercare. He’ll get a rag to clean me up, water if I need or ask, and after that, he half-holds me while scrolling on his phone. I try to ask for more attention, but he’ll just turn his phone off and sigh before either putting an arm over me or he’ll have me lay on him while he holds my back. Neither are bad!! But I don’t really feel cared for, y’know? I’ve had a lot of troubling experiences with sex in the past, but I don’t want to make my internal issues his problem, so I feel guilty telling him that what he does makes me feel disgusted with myself.
I’ve tried telling him that I’d prefer him telling me “positive affirmations” or just what he liked about the sex other than me “being tight” or my “reactions to what he does to me”. I love the physical affection, but it just makes me feel annoying/dirty if I can’t even get him to put his phone down while he holds me.
He is a wonderful man that I love being with. I struggle with my wording a lot, however, so I don’t know how to say I don’t like something he does because it just reminds me of the disgust and loneliness I felt from certain past encounters. I feel like he doesn’t understand how much it affects me to be tied up and fucked until my stomach hurts, mostly because he’s expressed how he doesn’t like how I talk about being in pain/worn out after sex even though I “don’t even do anything”. (Which is mostly fair, doggy and missionary are our go-to positions because my knees start to hurt bad when I ride reverse or just cowgirl.) I’ll give him blowjobs, but sometimes I get panicked when I go to breathe and inhale straight dick instead of much-needed air. I don’t really know what’s wrong with my body, but I get so tired from sex very fast, especially when there’s toys or ropes being added in.
Am I asking for too much considering I don’t do much giving? Sex always feels like an emotional battle I try to ignore, but it’s so hard to when he finally finishes and I don’t get any praise besides, “you’re so tight and warm” when I specifically ask what he liked about it. Am I being unreasonable? I feel guilty for feeling like this because he truly is a great partner and all around person.
And if I’m not, how do I go about telling him in a way that wouldn’t offend or make him feel bad?
(Any aftercare suggestions would be amazing, the only things I can find are “compliment your partner”, “check in with your partner” type of shit and I need specifics because I’ve never had a relationship with someone like this. I’ve never needed more aftercare than what he does, but he does so much during sex, I just get kinda sad that the after-care is so lackluster/not the same level as the sex itself was. Also very sorry for rambling, I have no friends I can talk to about these things :( .)
Edit:
While I absolutely understand the importance of aftercare now, it was not something I had even thought about until a few weeks ago. I have been with my man for over two years now, so please stop insinuating he is a bad person or that I should leave because I’m paranoid and don’t want to hurt the feelings of the person I love, even if unintentional. He is not the one telling me I’m unreasonable, that’s all me!! I’ve been fine with the aftercare in the past, but we’ve recently started getting into things I am completely new to. Hence why the aftercare is no longer the type I need.
This isn’t something either of us have experience with ! I’m looking for advice, not opinions on who he is, please. I have had talks about aftercare with him, but my trouble is figuring out how to describe what I want while making sense. I think in images mostly, I really should have been more clear in the fact that I don’t know how to word my needs and wants, not that he isn’t listening to me.