Need some advice or the very least to organize my thoughts.
I'm a put together, middle aged female ( educated, career, religious) that spent sometime in my early 20s in the lifestyle working out ( very unhealthy) trauma and came across the normal users/ abusers of novices. Things, education and online, are much different now. I abandoned the life, loads of therapy etc had a few "relationships", an engagement and have abstained from sex or any sexual contact for 14+ years ( religious reasons).
In my real life, very much empowered full functional woman.
Fast forward to last month, I was struggling taking care of myself ( diet, exercise, sleep ) so without much thought placed an ad for a non sexual dynamic. Only had it up 1 day and loads of responses. Chatted with a few and quickly weeded them out....except 1. We all know anyone can say anything online so who knows what is true but he presented himself as patient, spanking kink, looking for a long term dynamic, educated etc
We chatted for hours, he intrigued me, incredibly respectful, well spoken and did not push. He was OK with nothing sexual. After 2 weeks, I asked for a little task, the emotions came flooding back.... I'm sure most know what I'm talking about. It scared me a bit the intensity so I told him I needed some time to gather myself. We kept in contact a but just how are you, enjoy your week etc. I had a hard time staying away. Then, we did a minor scene and I very much got sexual. Then a few days later we teased each other all day and I hate to say I would have done anything to make him happy. After the Os, I wanted space so said my goodnight and he made a comment about subdrop and to contact him if it happened. I reassured him i was fine, it was only online etc.
Dang if he wasn't right, I cried, shook, just wanted all the kisses/ cuddles, couldn't sleep. it makes me feel so weak, this quickly and there is something about him. I pushed the sexual and the way he describes/ plays with my mind...he is obviously very skilled. And I want more but I don't. It will never be real, its just a fantasy and he presents as probably one of the most caring/ gentle men ive encountered.....and the "firm voice" im like butter!
I dont know what I need, such a battle inside of seeing where it goes (he said he's good with just a friendship) or what. I'm 100% the problem and just....looking for advice, consideration etc. Ty in advance.