r/BDSMpersonals

This post is not so much an "ad" as much as it is a very (extremely) long story. I think that I'm opting to take this approach because I would highly prefer that this be the last time I ever have to write one of these. I would like to share myself with you. I want to share who I am and what you can expect from me. You will learn about my past, my mistakes, and the growth that I experienced from being a human on this earth. I want you to be able to understand why I speak the way I do. Why I think and feel the way that I do. I want you to understand how and why I will care for you and when I will love you. And I want you to be prepared before diving into the deep end with me. In order to have the correct tools, you need to know and understand…me

There are so many facets to being human. Every single element of who we are is carved from our individual histories and experiences. Some of us are more rough cut than others, and some of us may be more refined, but in the end, we are all made of the same stuff. Even with this being the case though, not a single person is “easy”, or uncomplicated. There is a story behind everyone. A timeline that tells how we arrived where we currently are. You have gone through every part of your life thus far ( the good and the bad ) just to end up here, on reddit, reading the ramblings of a random internet stranger. Maybe if you make it to the end of this post, you can share with me how you ended up here, and what your timeline looks like…but for now, this is a bit of mine…

Early Life

I feel that it is important for us to remember our past, because our experiences are what shape us and help us to learn and grow into the next best version of ourselves. Without acknowledging our past experiences, we lose the significance of who we are today.

I grew up in the household of a decently broken marriage, where my alcoholic and drug addicted father was very commonly missing. There were times where he was present, and times where he was not. It was not uncommon for my younger brothers to ask, “Where’s dad?” and for my mother to answer with “He’s in jail again” or “I don’t know.” I watched once as the police broke his leg and forced him into the back of the patrol car. And regardless of how heated the fight was between him and my mom before that, I didn’t comprehend the abuse of his rights. I was unaware that he could have filed a lawsuit. He didn’t know, having only made it to the 7th grade and being wildly uneducated. Thinking back, I don’t even know what they fought about. Likely just the alcohol and drugs, which is certainly what kept us in that 6 feet under kind of poor life. But regardless. Most of my memories consist of loud yelling, screaming, holes being punched in the walls, and then cops at the door. Again.

There were some “good” moments after I entered my mid teens, and there was some consistency, but nothing groundbreaking. I started working with my uncle ( from my mom’s side ) when I was 16 in his service shop ( RV and camping trailer service ), and on the family farm. Over the next 8 years, through high school and college, I built a very strong tradeskills foundation, becoming very familiar with auto mechanics, learning my way around a shop, and translating those skills into everyday use in DIY and home repair projects, etc. When I was 19, I specifically looked for colleges that were nowhere near my hometown, so that I could escape, which I did...and never looked back.

BDSM, Sex, and Love

By the time I had exited my college years though, I was an early 20s who had very little “adulting” experience, and was still navigating what it meant to be in a romantic relationship that was not wrought with turmoil \[ See above for more details \]. Whether it be due to my own mistakes that I had made in my formative years, or because I went through the stereotypical scenario where I was cheated on and made to believe I was the father of a child that wasn't mine… I began my early 20s with a skewed perspective of what “healthy” was supposed to look like regarding romantic partnerships.

At this point in my life, I did not know what romance was. I did not know how to love, or what it felt like to receive love from my partner. In those early relationships, I took for granted the fact that there was someone who gave me the time of day and also wanted to have sex with me on a continuous basis. I thought that was all that a relationship was. I was content being content. And happy with receiving the attention for what it was. But there was no growth. There was no love. There was no romance. I didn't know what these things were, or how to find them or experience them with my partners.

Going back to post college : I was single, exploring online dating with abandon, as this was the very beginning of OKC, Match, later on Tinder. But then fast forward about three years of unsuccessful first and second dates, with no relationship in sight, I began to wonder what was missing. What was I doing wrong?

The answer wasn't glaringly obvious ( at the time ), however I did know that there was at least one piece of the puzzle that was missing. And as is typical, the first dip into the very deep, very wide kinky ocean can be intimidating and overwhelming. At first, you don't know where to go, or how far you can safely wade into the waters without getting swept away by the never ending waves. As a young person, and someone who was both new and inexperienced, there were not many people online who were willing to help, teach, or otherwise guide me in any helpful direction. Most women who I would talk to automatically tried to coerce me into a demeaning submissive role, which gave me a very apparent ick up front. Submission quickly became something that I could not see myself enjoying. It did not make my heart beat with anticipation, and especially not in the contexts that I had been exposed to thus far. I was seeing submission in a context where I was being dehumanized without having the desire for such things. Being made to believe that submission automatically meant that one must subject themselves to being objectified, degraded, and dehumanized from the start. When in reality, this could not be further from the truth.

For most of us, until we meet our first kinky partner, “exploration” of BDSM is likely to be chalked up to reading and participating in online forums, maybe having some more personal conversations with potential connections, watching porn, etc. The last option was the one which allowed me to have my first emotional reaction to not only BDSM, but something sexual as well…

The scene that I came across was a simple one of a Dom using a toy on his partner. She was clearly enjoying herself in the scene, but the element of the scene that tugged at my emotions was the way that she looked at him when she experienced her pleasure. If we ignore the fact that porn is a performance of sorts, I could still almost feel the connection that she had with him in that moment. The way that she begged him not to stop, but then.. how she also thanked him for granting her the pleasure of her orgasms. The acknowledgement of effort that he put into making her feel good, and knowing that she appreciated what he was doing with and for her, spoke volumes to me. It allowed me to see that there is a space where sex can be tied to the emotional connection that partners share with each other.

This scene of power exchange, where control of the submissive's body and pleasure was both given and received, juxtaposed with the way that I had been treated as a potential submissive man, allowed me to see what submission could be. While standing on the other side of the aisle, it allowed me to feel…something…being sent in my direction, even if just through watching a random scene in a random video online. Prior to seeing what may be possible, I never felt any emotional bonds with any of my partners during sex. But this exploration into kink started to open those doors for me and it began to allow intimacy to mean something deeper than just getting off and feeling nice afterward.

Dominance ( or the desire for it ) then began to feel as natural as eating a well cooked meal. My desire and yearning for my partner's submission became insatiable. The warmth that I felt for my partner when receiving that gift of submission from them became like a drug for me.

Sex evolved for me into something that I felt internally and it grew into a direct representation of how bonded I was ( from an emotional standpoint ) with my partner. Through the dynamic, and through the power exchange that is BDSM, I had found the missing piece of the puzzle, I think not only for myself, but I also discovered a new piece of who I was that I could now offer to my potential partners as well, which opened many new doors for emotional and intellectual bonds to form, outside of scenarios which were previously just vanilla sex and physical pleasure.

And in the end, BDSM, sex, and love have become intrinsically intertwined for me. I have a passion for expressing my emotional bonds through my role as your dominant, while providing a safe space for our relationship to grow and flourish into an extremely strong bond, which is built on a foundation of trust and mutual respect for one another.

Originally I was not planning on writing out a “kink list” to share, but I’m opting to write at least a little bit about what I enjoy and desire within a dynamic because I do believe that we should have at least similar interests and desires. I would hate for us to find a concrete connection around everything outside of kink, but then discover that there is zero compatibility within the one area which arguably matters the most. To that end, my main kinks, in no particular order are…

Orgasm control. It is something that I think about very differently compared to most people I would say. The "traditional" orgasm control most people run up against happens when a "dom" will say something to the effect of "you can't cum unless you ask me", or they may initiate a period of orgasm *denial*, instead. Orgasm control for me comes from a deep, deep emotional bond that is built between Dom and sub. Once a sufficient emotional and mental bond is formed, orgasm control manifests through active sex and play, and is heavily linked to edging and finding an almost spiritual connection with your body, though our bond within the dynamic. The scenario : Let’s say we are playing and I turn your face towards me for forced eye contact while I'm over you and deeply...Looking into your eyes. I give you a command to release, and your body obliges. I tell you to release again, and another time. And you do. Then...I tell you to "hold". You are then able to mentally hold it in and prevent that release until I give you the ability to let it out once again... And so on...but, this can only be achieved once we are fully bonded to one another and linked in a more powerful way. And I do desire to have this bond with you.

And speaking of bonds, bondage is incredibly important to me because in my eyes it represents the peak of that connection which can exist between partners. The sub is completely bound and helpless, with every single part of her body at my disposal. She has given herself to me completely and I can do anything that I want to her at any time...this is the ultimate form of submission, power exchange, trust, and safety between partners. So when this form of submission is given to me, I do not take it lightly, and I will always appreciate you for everything that you are to me.

Bimbofication is a misogynist name for a kink that ( In my eyes ) represents empowering, supporting, and uplifting one’s partner. Bimbofication has a large focus on appearance, and “transforming” the submissive party into a hyper-feminine “doll”, but this type of dynamic involves an incredibly deep connection that is rooted in power exchange as well, and this is the part that is the most appealing to me. I do not take any stock in the "dumb blonde" trope, and in fact find it to be a more of a turn off. I have zero intentions of asking you to change your body in ways that you aren't comfortable with or are not open to. And my sole focus here would be for us to have fun exploring enhancements and changes which help you to feel sexy, beautiful, desired, and confident in your feminine energy.

I didnt know that sadism was a part of me until I started exploring spanking. I feel like this is where everyone really dives into things. But from there, I moved to paddles, floggers, etc. My favorite toy that I've ever used were what I called "mini whips". They are exactly what they sound like. About a 3 foot long whip that are very easy to control ( so that you dont break the skin, etc ) but they still do the intended damage.

When I first experienced watching my partner in pain and taking my beating, it triggered something inside me. There are a few things happening for me : first, it is a very primal, feral, and cathartic experience to watch you go through those moments of pain. It is very sexual for me. But next, when you submit, when you give me your body in that way, when you put yourself in that mental space, you take in all of the pain and suffering, and you do it *for me*...well. What is that other than love? What is that other than you saying "Please, use me. Take my body. Its yours. The pain doesnt matter. Let it out on me. Im here for you"

And this is very much what I am doing. I am releasing a very strong energy into you. I am using my strength and my primal urges to send myself into you, through whatever implement I desire. And you are receiving that energy through your pain...

But overall, I want nothing more than for our dynamic and our bond to lead us into a connection that is easy for both of us to identify as love. For open dialog to lead to new discoveries and experimentation that we both are excited about. And I want to provide you with a non-judgmental space where you can feel free to open up to me, ask for anything, and feel free to express all parts of yourself.

Who I Am Now

I recently had my 36th birthday, and after almost another 3 year period of being single, internally reflecting, and re-learning who I have become, I’m realizing more and more that there are so many lessons that have been learned, which currently shape the structure of what I believe a partnership should be. I use the black heart emoji because ( to be fair ) the color was drained from me long ago, but black hearts still beat, and they still desire to find and experience the same things as everyone else. I want to fall in love, and I am very interested in finding the person who would be open to intertwining with me in a somewhat spiritual way, even. I want for us to build a dynamic and a relationship that is as strong as poured concrete, and lasts just as long. But to build that foundation, it will be important for us to be able to challenge each other to grow and to become better versions of ourselves. I don’t want for the relationship to become dull, or stagnant. I want to encourage you to reach your goals and for us to achieve new heights, together.

When my ex and I got together, her daughter was 6 mo old. The bio dad never showed up, not even one time, until she was 7, then promptly disappeared after that as well. I was with my ex for 8 years, and after the breakup, I have continued to maintain my role as my daughter's "dad". She is almost 11 at this point, and I am co-parenting with her mom now. Her mom and I are still very close as friends, and I am tightly integrated into their lives. We broke up because we both mutually recognized that we were not compatible anymore. We grew apart, and she could no longer be my romantic person. But there was no fight and no hatred from the break up, etc. We co-parent very well, and this is an element of my life that is will need you to be willing to accept and understand if we are to be a match.

Passion is something that is seldom talked about within the modern dating environment. I feel as if people are afraid. They are worried that they will be judged if they show that they actually do have something that they care about in this world. Possibly, at least from the male perspective, some men could maybe see it as a vulnerability when a passion is shared. This is a hypothesis, but regardless, passion is what drives us forward. It is what gives us purpose and something to strive for, something to live for. What is the purpose of working just to pay the bills and eat? What are you doing other than literally just staying alive so that you can die at some point?

I am a true believer that passion drives one’s happiness, and I also believe that happiness is required in order to live a life that is actually fulfilling. I think that when people ask “What do you like to do in your free time?” they aren’t asking if you like to go to the mall. What they really want to know is what you are passionate about. What is the thing that makes you feel excited and pumped up when you think about it? And honestly, if you don’t know the answer to that question, that’s ok, but you should be looking for your thing in my opinion. And if you have a thing already, please, tell me about it. Teach me something I don’t know.

I’m passionate about a few different things. Being a giant nerd is probably at the top of that list, and if it has dragons, magic, and wizards, then I’m already there. Anything and everything that you could possibly think of related to nerd culture has my heart, and pieces of that can be found in my personality as well. I am an artist, and started drawing Pokémon ( nerd ) when I was 8, and have spent time on and off since then developing my artistic abilities. Once I started exploring BDSM, I began a body of work that reflects the emotional component of how I view submission, and what it means to me as a Dominant. I do want to draw again at some point. It's been quite a few years as of right now, but life has taken a firm grip at the moment, and I’ll have to wait until that loosens a bit. For now, I participate in a yearly local event called Chalk Fest and I make chalk art murals over a two day time frame.

I don’t have a “passion” for fitness, but fitness is important to me. Right now, I am working towards a hefty fitness goal that I set for myself, and I want to continue to progress further once I meet it, as well. I was very overweight when I was younger, and extremely self-conscious of my body. To date, I have not ever taken my shirt off in public, and my fitness goals are two fold : So that I can feel like myself in my own skin, and so that I can continue to maintain a healthy life as I enter my 40’s in a few years, and then beyond that as well. It is not necessary by any means, but I do I think it would be amazing if you have the same goals. I love the idea of motivating and pushing each other to crush it at the gym, and everywhere else in life as well.

The outdoors, the sun, and being in nature mean just as much to me, if not more than my \[ unpainted \] miniature collection. Peace is something that is increasingly more difficult to find in this world, and being in the middle of the wilderness, or at a camping site, or the top of a mountain bring me an incredible amount of inner peace. I would love to share that peace with you, as often as we can.

Sometimes it's difficult to describe what romance truly means. I gravely dislike the notion of “keeping the romance alive” because it implies expectation, but I do agree that in order for a relationship to continue for an extended period of time ( decades ), there needs to be an openness to a certain amount of evolution within that relationship. People change and grow over time, and this is a continuous cycle that doesn’t just stop one day. As partners, both people must be able to recognize this fact. You have to be able to approach your partner and tell them that "things aren’t the same as they used to be” and that your needs, wants, and desires are shifting. Conversely, if you are the one being approached, then providing a safe, non-judgmental, and open space for this conversation to take place is also imperative. As well as being open to the possibility that the relationship you hold with your partner today, may not look the same going forward.

Romancing one’s partner is something that does not come intuitively for most, I would venture to guess, but it is an element of a long-term relationship that does need to exist. We have to continue to show up for one another and remain present. Being romantic, from my perspective, is keeping a list of what all your favorite things are, so that I can surprise you with something nice that will make you smile every once in a while. Being romantic, for me, is listening to you rant to me about your latest obsession, learning how to obsess over that thing with you, then surprising you with some supplies to get you started. Romance, for me, is cooking for you while you do your hair and makeup for a night in together. Romance, for me, is something that should never fade, and if it does, or feels like it might be headed in that direction, then we need to sit down and figure out how to bring that romance back into sight again.

Distance is a key factor which plays into any relationship. Most of the time folks will search for a partner who lives very close, or maybe not too far away from them, so that the two people can get in some face time on a regular basis, but I think it foolish to limit my search for a partner to my immediate area of 20 miles or so. The likelihood of finding a match is not very high if I’m stubborn and do only that. And I’m not saying that a match close by is not possible, just that there are so many people out there and it is probably more likely that I would find someone I connect with if I were to open up my search parameters. I personally am willing to travel any distance necessary to meet you if you are truly the right person for me. I firmly believe that if we were to make it to the point where we are developing a connection simply through chatting online, then you would be one that I would not want to let slip away without at least meeting, and testing where the connection takes us. Eventually, it is very much my goal for us to come together and cohabitate, but starting at a distance ( any distance ) does not bother me, so long as there is equal effort given from both sides.

If you have made it to the “end” of my post here, genuinely, thank you for taking the time to read and spend your energy here. I very much appreciate it. I am not just saying this. It may seem trivial, but this is our first exchange, and I will always be thankful for reciprocal effort. Which does bring me to my ask : If you do choose to respond, please do so intentionally. Please bring the energy that will help start and keep our flame alive. Please show me who you are as well, because I genuinely want to know. I want to learn about why you think we would be a good match, and what excites you about the prospect of finding love and a long lasting relationship.

Before I do end this, we all have actual deal breakers that are non-negotiable. For me, those are around politics ( please be at least a true centrist or ideally left of center ), Drugs, drinking, and smoking ( I partake in none of these and will only tolerate responsible alcohol use in my partner. ), and marriage ( I will not marry you legally, but I’m happy to get engaged, have a party, make a promise to you, and go on vacation).

Hopefully it wasn’t too much, though I know that it was. Again, thank you…

32 yo fit straight dom, been in lifestyle for about 10 years now and have done almost all sorts of dynamics. I’m looking to own a female sub/slave for a tpe dynamics, where not just physical aspect is prioritized but the mental aspect of it as well. Looking for someone who stays active and fit. Anywhere in US works for me, can be started online but down the road would want it to be irl. So only reach out if you’re serious.

Must be willing to verify

Fit friendly fun Gulf Shores couple here, always looking for new lady friends. Today we have an appointment with a visiting lady who leans more straight, so we were hoping to find another girl who is very into women. Contact with the guy would be optional. If tonight is too soon but interested in other times, be in touch!

Not looking for single males.
Not looking for couples for tonight. For other times, be away she is not looking for male contact.

Hey what’s up? I know this may seem weird but I’m genuinely willing to help out singles or couples who have been trying.

I’m 5’8, 160 pounds and fit. I’m ethnically mixed, I like cooking, working out, and the outdoors.

I’m open to method as well, AI or NI would be cool with me. Whatever would make you most comfortable

Lastly, I am in Southern California, in the inland empire. But I’m open to traveling. Hope to hear from you!