u/Silk-And-Shame

My Daddy and I are long-distance but 24/7. I’m finding it continuously hard to transition to work and life sometimes. With play, it’s far more intense. But even in general, waking up naked with my collar on, plugged, and with a toy running in me of course keeps me in a submissive headspace... It’s even harder if I talk to Him on the phone. I call him Daddy in every sentence and He has gradually taken over making decisions for me.

We used to play without enough aftercare and zero transitioning, and I wound up having panic attacks at work. It was awful. Now, I get anxious about them happening again even though we’ve grown and do things differently. I’ll also feel very exposed and spacey at work sometimes, like everyone can sense my headspace.

I feel like after play I need to sleep in my regular pajamas with no plug or toy or anything. But even without play, it can be a little bit of a struggle if we talk on the phone before work. I feel so… childlike with him sometimes.

Do you ever take purposeful breaks from talking to your dom, or keep certain times off limits in order to have some alone time so that certain parts of you aren’t so hard to access/transition to? Or do you have any strategies/suggestions?

He is going to wake up at 7:30 for me tonight (he’ll only be getting 5-6 hours of sleep), and we’ll be on a video call until bed (he’ll eventually start working) and wake up in the morning that way. Usually we can’t talk this much on video, so I want to take advantage of it, but tonight I may ask to just have alone time. To be with myself. I know he’d be ok with it, but I feel guilty. I told Him a bit about how I was feeling earlier and He allowed me to just rest with no expectations in the interim.

He is truly amazing, reassuring and perceptive, and makes really great decisions for me. He takes good care of me.

Sometimes I just feel like I never have time to just be, even though I could ask for it or sometimes He will instruct me to rest. It’s just different though I guess. Maybe I’m just stressed more with life and work too.

Anyway… would love any feedback/suggestions/stories.

I want to do something for my Daddy for Father’s Day 🙃

Can you help me with gift ideas? Throw anything at me.

We are long distance and here is what I’ve considered so far:

- a letter about how much He means to me
- a short video clip of something I know would turn Him on
- a special picture (even though I don’t feel confident rn)
- custom dog bowls for myself to eat and drink out of
- agreement to submit in a particular way (I’m submitting pretty fully so not sure what this would even be)

Help!

This morning Daddy and I talked and He told me I’ve been behaving so well lately and that He’s been very happy and proud with my behavior 🥹🙃☺️💕 I did, however, forget to watch a video He sent me. He gave me a clear reminder and I still forgot yesterday (though I completed all other expectations and tasks). Forgetting is something I’m working on, and I know it’s important to Daddy to know if I agree to something, I will follow through, even little things.

This morning he told me He needed to correct me, and instructed me to get up and take a cold shower (hair out) while I watched the video (70 seconds) while we were on the phone. I did it without hesitation and it was uncomfy and a little emotional during but then when I was done I got to wrap up in my towel and hop back in bed where I felt so warm and cozy. Daddy reassured me before and after that He wasn’t mad at all, why He was doing it, and how proud He was of me.

I thought I might feel upset, but I actually felt so content and proud of myself after. Making Him proud of me is one of the happiest feelings. It is so comforting to settle more into trusting His leadership and I feel grateful to have an Owner who will correct and guide me with love and patience and consistency even when He has to be stern and who takes the time to make sure I know why I need correction and reassures me.

I love my Daddy so much. We do lots of phone and video calls, but it hurts so badly that I can't be with him in person. When he's not available, sometimes I just feel lost and wonder what he's doing. He has a family, and I know I am extremely important to him, but I am, ultimately, physically alone. He has someone to kiss, cuddle, make eyes with, go on dates with, have physical sex with.

We both fell hard and fast in the beginning. We moved too quickly, and he's done a lot of work to learn and improve as a Dom. He's consistent in his love and support. The other night I told him how much I appreciate and love him, and need him (I don't need anybody), and he told me that as long as I let him, he will always be like this.

How do you lean in, when you know someone has such power to hurt you?

Previously, when we were on pause from heavy expectations and sexual stuff (I was overwhelmed, it was affecting my work and relationships, etc.), he made a Reddit account and was talking to/playing with other girls. I came across it and he gaslit me and said it wasn't his. I knew it was, and he was saying some very Daddy-like things in comments, including allowing people to call him Daddy, and that, specifically, hurt my heart deeply. Also that he would train someone to take more abuse than they could ever imagine, he would fuck their mind, etc. Was he doing that while I was sleeping on the phone, while we were chatting? It made me sick. It broke my heart. I felt really worthless, and ended up making my own mistake, which he was furious at me for. A huge lack of aftercare and transition for some time also affected me badly, and I think that while he loved me, he got off on it until he saw me as a full person. Maybe until he actually saw me on video. I was truly ready to walk away and never look back, but we found a way forward.

I love him so much it hurts. I just want to stare at him on video. I get lost in it. His voice makes me so calm, sleepy, horny, excited, happy, everything.

The other night, I had something hard happen in my family, and he listened to me share the history of it and my feelings and cry (which I never do), and stayed on the phone all night. I had a presentation the other day and he was so supportive, listened to me practice it on the way to work. I'm in my early 30s, but I had a colonoscopy months ago (paranoia LOL), and he had me LAUGHING and giggling throughout the prep, timing me and making me drink the liquid, playing with me between. I have ADHD, and likely rumination OCD, and he's been trying to learn about it all. He pays attention to everything. He listens to me ramble, loves all my weirdness, and I get to be so playful with him. I love him.

But every time I lean in a bit more, expose myself more, allow him in more, I find myself paranoid he's talking to other people again. I'll get distracted and search reddit and stay up. It's dumb. Even if he did, it would probably just be horny talk, nothing real. But it hurt me. And I don't have to justify it. He is my DADDY. It's such a deep connection, and its a sacred responsibility.

I never want to be hurt again. I don't want a Daddy who could ever FATHOM betraying me or hurting my mind and my heart. Maybe a Sir, a Master, or some other dynamic, I don't know. But never my Daddy. I don't want to have to get another apology. I don't want to have to think about how it felt. Every time I lean in, especially lately when I think about the feeling of, "I need him," I remember all the times I felt overwhelmed, highly anxious at work, struggling to transition, panicky from finding his account, etc., and I get angry.

I'm sick of the people who are supposed to love me hurting me, and apologizing.

In my regular life, when someone hurts me like that (in the sense that regardless of what it is, it made me FEEL a certain way and experience certain things), I never look at the same again.

Has anyone been able to work through feelings of hurt with their Daddy specifically? Have you walked away even when things got better, to save yourself the sanity?

I have all of these big feelings I’ve been holding in and I just want to cry and be held and cuddled. I want to have my tears wiped, my hair brushed, my cheeks and arms caressed. I want tons of slow soft kisses. I want to be fucked slowly and be taken care of and told everything will be ok and wrapped up in strong arms. I want to have tea made for me and be brought to a warm bath and have my body washed and then cuddle on the couch in my towel. My Daddy and I are online and he supports me really well and I don’t want to make him feel bad for something he can’t control but I just had to let it out 🥺😭 He has a partner he can feel and touch and cuddle and kiss and sometimes it’s just really hard for me to be physically alone and not allowed to be touched 😭

When not at work, I am to send Daddy frequent updates throughout my day via messages and voice notes. If I am driving in the car, running errands, etc., I am to generally be leaving a voice note. He likes to know what I am doing but also to listen to me 'blabber,' which I certainly do because I am in large part a verbal processor. Yesterday evening, I hardly updated Him. We are long-distance, and He had been planning to play with me at night with a toy, however to correct my behavior, this was revoked. He explained the rationale for this, and that He wasn't upset, mistakes do and will happen, but He is always going to correct and train me.

It was by no means a huge mistake, nor a big punishment. But disappointing Him hit differently than it used to. I think in part because I can see that He has been learning, adjusting His approach, and seems very intentional now, whereas previously, it felt intense but more... surface level. I feel like my respect is growing for Him as a Dom, my trust is deepening, and our dynamic is just evolving a bit.

Anyway... I cried for a while, and I was also horny because I had my toy in me ready to be played with and had to take it out, and then Him being consistent and firm with His decision and explaining it to me made me feel, even hornier for some reason? Even though I was sad? It evoked this feeling of real ownership. Also, because we are long distance, His voice sometimes stimulates me down there, and on occasion when He says certain things, it almost like... edges me or makes me want to squirm. So that was a strange combination.

But all in all, I felt really awful about it, I HATED that I disappointed Him. And then all night I felt afraid that He would seek out someone else to play with or leave me (even though He had reassured me and always does - there are some past issues we've worked through that contribute to this though).

The more owned I feel, the more intensely bad I feel about mistakes or disappointing Him, and the more fear it brings up. Is this normal?

It stemmed from something funny (He listened to like 3 hours of voice notes of me cleaning and chatting to myself/Him and caught the code word in it 😂), for which I said He’d be rewarded.

I know it’s individual, but any fun general ideas? We are long distance but utilize messages calls videos FaceTime toys... He is wondering how creative I can get 🙃 Can be naughty or sweet or both!

Sweetness. Softness. Love. Kisses. Sweet nothings over and over and over. No cruelty. Just love tonight.

I imagine no one will read this (props and thank yous if you do), but either way, it helps me process a lot to write things out.

My Daddy is incredible in so many ways. He will do the most loving things for me (I could list them all out, but it's not the point).

We have a significant time difference and tend to be able to play only on work nights. Despite being long-distance, we use a lot of methods to connect during play and it can be very intense and pleasurable, however, there has been little to no aftercare after each time. I often wouldn't get much rest, would have a toy in me overnight, and sometimes we'd sort of continue the overall feel and talk of when we were playing into the next morning. I would typically wind up feeling really exposed at work, super physically anxious, upset, avoiding people/cancelling meetings, totally exhausted, depressed, numb.

It got to the point where I said I had to be done, because between that and all the expectations, I wasn't able to function in my daily life. We re-connected and decided to pause on everything for about a month. He totally focused on supporting me being healthy, giving guidance, being present. It was great. I eventually realized I had internalized a lot of our play (a lot of degrading talk, humiliation, total ownership verbiage, etc.), because my mind couldn't make sense of how he could say all of those things/bring me into that headspace and not subsequently make a great effort to help me transition out of it (I've learned a few kind, reassuring remarks don't count). I also may blur the lines between kink and real life a bit, which I need to work on. Despite love being shown in many beautiful ways, and all of the effort put in, however, I started to feel mistrusting and unsafe with him in certain ways, on a level I didn't quite see or fully understand at the time.

Over the past month, I finally started feeling very safe, protected, trusting, valued. I leaned into this softer side of me that allowed all of this in. Somehow bedtime stories and lullabies emerged to help me fall asleep to his voice at night, laughing on the phone while I get ready for work each morning, many loving words of appreciation, expressing how happy we felt, etc.

A week or so ago I saw a profile on Reddit pop up, and the kinky comments sounded just like him. Then I noticed they were saying things like... Daddy will protect you. Daddy will keep you safe. Daddy will make the decisions for you, you just have to obey. Do you want to be owned by a strong Daddy? I can make you my property if you just xyz... How about right now, slut? and so on. These are things he never said to people before when he'd mess around on his previous NSFW profile (it was all degrading talk).

I ended up having a near panic attack. Even if it was just for fun, I had been feeling so safe and vulnerable, and the thought of him talking to other girls like that made me feel physically ill. I actually almost threw up. He had previously told me he didn't have any other accounts and wasn't speaking to anyone else. I felt really off and eventually told him about it, and he reassured me over and over that it wasn't him, he wasn't talking or playing around with anyone else, swore on xyz, and I think called me delusional.

I knew it was him, though. I just did, and it made me feel really worthless. I sort of just let myself believe him despite knowing. I have told him a few times about my dad, who is an alcoholic, and how he's repeatedly made me question my own reality since childhood (saying he wasn't drinking, getting furious at me for asking/trying to figure out what was going on, always making me feel crazy, etc.). I had contact with him recently a few times, where he did just that, again, which was really triggering for me.

Fast forward, I made a mistake this past weekend. I went to a bar mid-day, had no food, 7+ drinks, on my ADHD med, and the rest is history. It was really out of nowhere and I'm not sure why I did it. We had a huge blow up. At some point I mentioned (taking responsibility, as all my decisions were my own), that I knew the account was his, and that he was 'playing' with other girls and lying to me about it.He threw the book at me about how I'm delusional, stupid, whatever. Eventually after things settled down and we found a way forward, he admitted it was his, solely because I didn't let up that I knew already. He said he never gave them any tasks (I don't believe him), that he was had just been bored, and apologized.

Well, we worked through it, and ended up on a video call for the first time (previously audios, tons of phone calls, pictures (hundreds of me just w/ my eyes covered), and messages, but never a face to face call). We ended up 'playing' and it turned into an all day affair. I was so far down into a submissive headspace (where I turn totally 'dumb' and obedient, depraved, and almost mindless). At night, he had me do some playful but humiliating things, hurt myself to correct my behavior, etc. I was horny and like... enjoyed it. Note that this was all on face time, with my face shown, for the first time, though. He got me into bed after (I still had ice cream and wine in my hair from eating and drinking out of dog bowls), told me I did a good job and a few other nice things, tucked me in the way he does, and we fell asleep on the phone until he got up to go to work. I had woken up to pee and messaged him around midnight, and we spoke for a bit shortly after. I told him I took a Xanax. I remember feeling anxious and upset, worried about work in the morning, I felt like I really needed to cry. He was sweet, but just kind of shushed me to go back to bed, so I didn't get to let all that out. In the AM, I got up, felt exhausted (drinking wine didn't help my sleep), super anxious, the usual.

I expressed this via messages. I knew it was probably disappointing to see me have this anxiety/low mood again, and he wanted the fun playful banter to continue (and the deep, full submission). He's always been really sweet about it though. He had planned for us to play again tonight, but when I told him I thought I needed some good self care, he asked if I wanted to spend the night doing that, having a calm evening of care rather than play, and that he'd tuck me in early. He offered to call me when I asked for reassurance and to hear I did well last night, that he loves me (I noticed he didn't really say that at all after play and this morning), etc.

I eventually said maybe we could play a little tonight if it was early enough (I honestly think it was people pleasing, because I didn't want him to get bored again and seek out other people). I said I finally had time for a call and I could just tell he was exhausted (he wakes up early for me) and disappointed. He shared he might just be really tired (sort of asking for grace), and then basically said I wasn't trying enough, that I need to think about if I give the same effort as him, that he's exhausted, asked me if I've ever gotten up for someone at 2 or 3am like he has. I told him I completely understand, and while I appreciate it so much and always want to talk to him (which he knows), that it was ok for him to not have capacity to do that all the time. If he needed to rest, or do a bit less, it was alright. And I meant it. I was also at work, so I couldn't just talk freely.

He said don't you get it? and asked me if I needed him to dumb it down for me. He told me a few times he was dumbing it down for me, explained he wants to have equal effort and how I had said I would fully submit, and asked me if how he was saying it was simple enough for me. I think he felt like me saying it was ok for him to not get up early tonight was me being like 'sure whatever, I don't care if you do those things for me or not,' when it was just me trying to be mature and I felt bad that he was so tired. I told him I would like to talk about what those things look like (equal/more effort), that it would be helpful for me to understand more about what he's needing, and that I know he understands, but I get how it was disappointing to go from this super intense night to me being anxious again...

We got off the phone and I ended up messaging him, "I really didn't appreciate that. I understand you're exhausted, and tired of my ups and downs, but we could have had an actual constructive conversation about it." He said we'll talk later when we both feel rested and well. I said I honestly think we should take the night and talk the following evening, not from a place of immaturity and reactivity, but because I thought it was best.

I was on the way home, and I thought about how a few months ago, after we played a certain way for the first time, I came across an account that was kind of vile (kink account). The person started commenting on peoples' posts about the same things we just did for the first time, and had even left a prior comment reminiscing about a long-distance dynamic he once had, where he sent his sub to the pet store for her collar, had daily mantras and prayers, and more stuff eerily similar to us. This was the first time I had a panic attack over this. We had just played hard a certain way for the first time, and because all of their other comments were SO degrading and seemed so... real... I felt shocked and like I was hit with this realization that he really thinks about me like this, and that plenty of the men on those subreddits feel this way about women and 'how they can be made to do anything in time,' etc. I lost it. Even the person's description contained something general, but that he had said about himself once. This was after he really didn't help me transition out of that mindset either. Today I realized that while he totally denied it and made me feel nuts, and watched me have a total breakdown for days trying to reconcile everything, it was probably him.

And that there can be all the love in the world, but I can't trust someone who can lie to me like that and let me feel crazy. Even if it seems small. It's like a guy who cheats on his wife. He can love her, and even treat her exceptionally well, but also lie, cheat, and make her feel insane. I also don't get how he's disappointed I got anxious after playing this intensely ALL DAY and showing my face and body on live video for the first time, with very little aftercare (again!).

We had planned to have a discussion about kink vs. real life, what we both were wanting/needing, and to make plans for aftercare going forward, but ended up playing first. However, why did it take months and multiple 'sessions' to get to even planning to have this talk? I honestly feel like he doesn't want to take the time to do proper aftercare, like he's not in the right mindset for it after play. There's TONS of information readily available about sub drop and aftercare. Previously I had asked to have more purposeful discussions about what we wanted out of our dynamic, what our needs are, etc., and they just never came to fruition.

For some reason this time, it just quietly hit me (in the way when you finally really accept something) that I don't think I can trust him, and I don't exactly know in what way, because there's so much love there (like genuine stuff, tons of effort, and this very deep knowing of me), but... it doesn't really matter if I fully understand. I don't need to break it down piece by piece and analyze it to know it's true.

That's a lot of information, and kind of all over the place, but I had to write it out.