u/Cautious-Visual2401

This is more a relationship question than a dynamic question, but I think there are relevant factors so I want to ask it here.

I'm struggling with there being areas in my relationship where I don't feel like my boyfriend and Dom leads or is responsible as much as I'd like. He's super emotionally and practically caring, and in scenes etc. things are generally pretty good, but he's quite a laid back, go with the flow guy, and I find myself getting irritated at the places he doesn't want to take initiative or responsibility. For instance ,in day to day decision making he says he genuinely doesn't mind, wants me to choose for trivial decisions most of the time. Or for bigger issues like finances where, although not out of the normal scope of reckless, I'm aware that I feel anxious at the thought that we talk about broad goals (getting married, travelling, buying a house) but I'm the only one putting away money whereas he travels a lot and is a bit more impulsive day to day. Now, maybe we're really just not long term compatible, but I do love him, and there are many ways I feel super loved and cared for, and I keep coming back to the thought that the submissive part of me will feel unsafe and irritated with anything less than someone who has a plan and more responsibility than me in basically every area thats important to me, which seems...unrealistic as a way to have a relationship with an actual human person, and not some romance novel hero who has no problems of their own to deal with. I haven't really felt able to talk about this much with him because I feel like it would just come across as unhelpful criticism and I know he already struggles with his self esteem. Is this a problem anyone else has faced in their relationships? Do you have any advice on either how to have a productive conversation with your partner about them leading more and taking more responsibility, or strategies you have used to think about this in a healthier way?

I will note this is my (31F) first proper relationship, I'm a pretty late bloomer, so I feel like I've got some learning to do on how to handle things here. We met through a BDSM personals subreddit, where I was specifically looking for a romantic relationship with D/S elements, and have been together 8 months now.

I (31F) have been in a romantic relationship (my first!) with my amazing boyfriend (39M) for nearly 6 months, and we both knew from the start that I was looking for something with a D/S dynamic as part of it (we met after I posted a BDSMpersonals ad). He had a little experience as a switch before me but I think having a power exchange as part of a long term relationship is relatively new to both of us.

I am finding that I have to lead the dynamic a little more than I might perhaps like to in the bedroom (I'm totally fine with a much more 50:50 approach out of it, and that's all great). I think this is stemming in part from a really admirable desire of his to make sure I'm always enjoying myself (and maybe a slight lack of confidence on his part?), but in the moment, when I'm in subspace, I can find it pretty disorientating to be constantly asked what I want, and I just really crave him taking control more. Every new thing we try, it's me bringing it up, and then giving lots and lots of reassurance that it's ok, and him asking questions about what I want to do next, and I really just want him to do what he wants with me, you know? I have tried bringing this up a couple of different ways, but I don't always feel like I have the language to describe what I need/ am asking him for (or maybe, he is not feeling able to tell me why he doesn't want to do it?). Every time I have brought it up he has said he's enjoying a Dom role, and is though sometimes he says the planning can be a bit tiring.

We had some really positive breakthroughs after doing one of those BDSM preference quizzes together, and tried a few new things that we both definitely enjoy after that, but I feel like I don't quite know how to keep the conversation going. Does anyone have any good recs for things to read or watch together that have helped you deepen your dynamic, and given your partner confidence to go "more Dom" as it were?