u/ApartmentWorried5692

Long post, much appreciated if you read but there is a TLDR at the bottom :)

So I made a post the other day about how depression kind of made me a chick magnet but tbh, I’ve always had something going on for me in terms of women and attention.

I don’t have a ton of friends, I was never the guy with lots of instagram followers, I graduated high school a kiss-less virgin because I was traumatized by bullying and an unstable household which led me to numbing myself with antidepressants until I turned 25. I’ll spare you the sob story, I know we all have things happen to us but I always had a chip on my shoulder. Obviously, when you graduate as a kiss-less virgin, it shatters your self esteem

I’ve “looksmaxxed” (not the autistic bone-smashing kind) to the point where I have a sharp jawline, I’m 6’4”, I’m strong (not roided out, but jacked enough), clear skin, full head of hair, etc. In fact, I recently cut my hair to a crew cut and women seem to love it and I had long hair before.

When I was 23, I went to bars and clubs for the first time. I was panicking the whole time and had to drink multiple shots of whiskey to calm down. Fast forward 3 years later, I had girls calling me, I shit you not, “genetically superior”. I’ve had a girl drop her purse on my foot while I was at the bar for me to pick up and give back to her. I’ve had women brush their ass against me when walking past me at bars. Hell, last time I went out to a night club, I approached 4 girls and almost banged the third and fourth one.

When I’m at the gym, girls seem to give me attention. Even the hot sorority girls there seem to work out near me and have even attempted to talk to me. They glance at me often and even one time they would stretch near me and show off their booty.

I even have a few friends who say I’m in the “top .5% of men” in terms of looks. I get compliments often, even from dudes. I’m not an egotistical person because I was the dude who basically lived his whole life as a chud, playing video games and rubbing off to porn instead of getting a normal life but those are my coping mechanisms. When you grow up with instagram showing you who has the coolest life all the time, you’re constantly measuring yourself to anyone who is ahead of you and it’s exhausting, but you already knew that.

I feel as soon as girls find out the real me, they’re not going to like it. I’m basically a chad but there are tons of people who look worse than me and have better sex and social lives. For example, one of those girls at my gym who definitely sends my signals has 3.5k followers on instagram. Why the hell would she go for a low status guy like me? I don’t have any followers or nothing.

I did come from a family where no one in my house had much of a social life, not my parents or my brothers and sisters. We were kinda known as the “problem family” and I had too much anxiety to be normal growing up. I’m uncovering more about myself than I ever have because I stopped numbing myself with antidepressants and booze and weed and I decided the only way I’m going to heal is to feel the emotions that I’m trying to run from and to identify where and why they exist in the first place. Just background information.

So yeah, I’ve come to say that I’m a solid looking dude but I’m a complete loser in terms of social life. I also went back to school so I’m not complete in terms of getting my life together. This has kind of followed me my whole life, I feel my self worth is from the people who like me and want me around and since I don’t really have that, I feel kinda ugly even though I’m objectively not.

TLDR: I’m a hot dude who is a loner due to unprocessed trauma (currently working on it) and it’s sabotaging my confidence around women despite positive feedback. I fear once they find out who I really am, they won’t like me.

So last semester, I was dealing with serious depression. I stopped my anti depressants and was sober the whole time. Literally could barely get out of bed most days and was too depressed to do anything most days, I struggled most days and just completely out of gas on everything.

So I had this one class where a girl was on my row. She was kinda interested in me at first glance, I’m tall and good looking but even then, most girls ignore everyone here especially dudes. At first, we made small talk and I remember she was ok with talking to me but kinda luke-warm interest.

From there, I fucked up on an assignment I worked on with her and I apologized quite a but because I felt awful that my depression was tanking our projects. She kinda side eyed me and whatever. I figured I fucked up my chances with her after that so I gave up.

From there, I decided I didn’t give a fuck because my libido was tanked as well as my energy levels. I simply dressed how I wanted and showed up to class not giving a fuck about any girl in that class or anyone. I didn’t make eye contact and just did what I wanted. Now after a while, the girl in my row started talking to other dudes and I ignored it. Then she said “I kinda want to sit in another row because I like that group over there” and I still didn’t budge.

Then, as weeks went on, she started to like me more. Every time she’d talk to me, she would giggle like crazy. Playing with her hair, trying to look pretty in class, all that jazz. I swear, EVERY TIME I talked to her, she would smile and giggle. Then, a girl in the back of class picked up on this and BAM she’s trying to join our conversation and even complimented my clothes one day and started giggling when we talked. Then ANOTHER girl from across the classroom kept glancing at me every chance I looked over.

Class ended, I didn’t get with any of them because again, my libido was so shot to shit that even if she invited me back to her dorm, idk if I would have been able to “get it up”. But I never received that much female attention in college just from one class in my life. There were other dudes in that class that got completely ignored too. I even walked out of class with the girl from my row a few times and she was playing with her hair and giggling the whole time. I was completely unfazed and didn’t care about her approval because I was dead inside lmao.

Back then, I’d have been on this sub looking for ways to game this chick but when I wanted her the LEAST I’ve ever wanted a girl, she was on me like white on rice. It’s not fair because I was basically asexual due to how depressed I was and I couldn’t be bothered to try to win her approval or play games with any girl in there. These were CUTE girls, too. I have her number and everything, but I told her I was going through a depression which is NOT what you ever tell people (especially girls) when you barely know them. I’m debating texting her to go for drinks in her home town.

What gives?