u/AppearancePlane3470

I really like the role of submissive, but I struggle with a man leading me in the sense of things are centered around his life and not mine. Like I like to submit, but for my pleasure not anyone else’s… And if he’s gonna tell me what to do, I want everything to be centered around me. Maybe it’s selfish but I don’t really care. I can go the gentle domme/switch route if a female-led relationship as a sub is just a complete oxymoron, but I wanted to voice my thoughts to a community and see what yall have to say. I’m trying to be able to succinctly communicate what i’m looking for as i’m searching for a partner so that i don’t waste either of our time. Like im thinking a female-led relationship in regular life but a submissive in the bedroom? Or is this just dominant heavy switch energy? I’m perfectly content being the domme through and through. I can always instruct when i want things done to me. i just ask because competency is hot so like maybe a submissive heavy switch is what im searching for

okay so here’s the deal. i’ve been on my discovery journey because i know that i want to have a relationship that sits on the foundation of a dynamic. I’m trying out different roles to see what suits me best to parse out what i’m feeling (good or bad) so that i may clearly state to my next future partner what it is i desire.

now ive come to the realization of what i want and im struggling with how to determine what this situation could be described as:

as the woman, id be the one in charge. the defacto leader. what i say goes (with discussion not dictatorship), but generally as the woman, i would lead the relationship. so im thinking okay so im dominant. but im still a lover girl. i want to be doted on, treated like a princess and tossed around in the bedroom (at my behest)

i don’t want to emasculate/hurt/restrict a man for him to be submissive. i think a man in a relationship with me should be naturally submissive to my wants and wishes. so when looking for submissive men, what are some key things i should be on the lookout for that would thrive under my leadership but not so much a chastity cage, whips and chains type submission.

so it’s come to my attention lately that i’m not sure what category i fall into. i used to be very dominant in bed, in a vanilla sense, but it had bored me a bit. i tried to fully domme, full tpe, and it was just too much responsibility. so then i thought okay maybe im a sub because i love to please but then i tried subbing. i didn’t like that i was pleasing them for their pleasure.

what i came to realize was that i like to please for my pleasure and frankly, i think the times where i got bored being in control was because when they finished they were done…and i didn’t want to be done until i said we were done.

it’s just hard to know because i liked having to relay my schedule to my dom and having them check in with me about what i’m wearing, eating, when im going to sleep etc. but when it came to the control and pleasure aspect, i didn’t like that they thought they had the power.

so is there a dom/sub relationship where its normal for me to be in charge but for them to check in about my day to day routine? if that’s just being a switch, how do you maintain any sort of structure? like is there a category i fit into or am i just a total oxymoron?

ok so i’m 27f and i want a dom but im a demisexual. so i can’t have a sexual relationship without emotional connection which takes time. so like dynamic and friendship are important first and foremost. so it’s like im willing to serve without feelings but im not willing to please until they develop. so how does one find a dom with those kind of parameters in place?