r/BDSMcommunity

My partner and I are both pretty new to BDSM, but we’ve talked openly about being interested in things like roleplay, petplay and a consensual Master/slave-style dynamic where I’m the submissive and follow instructions he gives me.

Last night during sex, he told me to “make him jealous.” There had never been any boundaries set around what was or wasn’t okay to say in that context, so I said, “Other men are more dominant than you.”

At the time, it seemed to have the intended effect. He became rougher and more dominant, which was what I wanted and what I understood him to be asking me to provoke.

Afterwards though, he became really upset about what I had said and we ended up having quite an emotional conversation about how it made him feel.
I completely understand that something can sound hot in theory and then unexpectedly hit a nerve when it actually happens. I don’t think he’s wrong for having feelings about it.

At the same time, I’m struggling slightly with the fact that I was following an instruction within a scene, with no previously established boundary around comparisons or jealousy, and then afterwards it felt like I had done something wrong.

It’s made me feel a bit less confident about fully letting go during play because now I’m wondering whether something I say or do within the dynamic could later become a real-life issue between us.

For people with more experience in BDSM, how do you handle situations where something consensual during a scene unexpectedly hurts one partner afterwards?
And how do you distinguish between “that unexpectedly triggered something, so now we know it’s a boundary” versus making the other person feel responsible for crossing a boundary that was never communicated in the first place?

Me (23) and my boyfriend (24) are both subs. We switch for each other but agree getting a proper dominant would be beneficial for us sexually. The catch is, we are both transgender. Him being female to male and me being AFAB and identifying as non-binary. This causes some discomfort because we are worried about trying to find a dom with these “restrictions.” Because of this we are pretty much only be comfortable with someone who is assigned female at birth (afab) or is a trans woman. This makes us hesitant to look into the kink community around us because it seems to be dominated (haha get it) by cis men (which is 100% okay, it’s just not for us personally). Does anyone have any suggestions on where to look, if it’s even realistic for us to look into it, or if we should just give up and stay the way we are.

My NP and I opened up our marriage (enthusiastically on both sides) about a year ago. My NP had early success with the local
Kink community and thrives in that scene. I on the other hand am terribly socially anxious and prefer to engage 1-1 or in very small groups so I’ve been dating that way- lots of duds but a few continuing play partners and potential FWBs. I’m currently seeing two doms: Apple and Banana. They are aware of each other as far as that I’m seeing multiple people. Apple has a few questionable behaviors to me but I want to check with the fine folks here. Negotiation limits set: sex with condom strongly preferred or at least not cumming in me, and no anal insertions.
We’ve met up for sex 4-5 times. The second time we had sex Apple asked me mid- play to ride him (without a condom) which I did in sub space after a lot of Dom-like play and ass smacking, and he ended up pulling out and cumming on my tits.

2 of those sessions also have been with a third person (with my full knowledge and consent).

The second time we had a threesome the female third started a (slow, lubed) finger insertion in my ass while Apple encouraged her holding my head between his legs and saying yes she’s my sub go for it. I wasn’t particularly upset at the time since I had a lot of sensations going in as she ate me out and Apple’s cock was in my mouth. However looking back I feel like Apple may have had an obligation to check or slow/ run by me our third’s actions rather than encourage them. What say you?

Complicating factor: Banana is very safer sex aware and this story in particular has him concerned that we may not be able to play safely together anymore because of Apple’s (my?) lax attitudes towards STI transmission. Is this something I should be concerned about too? Please help!

F- early20s.
Due to trauma (surprise) I’m pretty confident that I’ve developed a kink for being a cuckquean. It’s something I’m genuinely interested in exploring, and I don’t feel uncomfortable with the idea of it. However, I’ve had a lot of negative experiences with women my age being nice one day, then completely switching up over petty things, and I’m a bit nervous to allow another woman in such an intimate space knowing that risk.

For people who do engage in this kink- how did you meet the other lady… where did you meet her and how do you build up trust before a scene?

(EDIT before I get these comments- yes, i’ve addressed the mistrust in therapy. i just don’t want to dive into my kinks in therapy rn. also, i do trust my partner. women just make me nervous if i don’t know them super well.)

Hello, my partner and I have been dating for almost two years now and they are really into BDSM. I’m interested but I don’t know the best way to start to understand it. They have tried explaining things to me and it sounds fun but I’m also nervous at times. For example stuff like CNC is fun in the moment but afterwords I feel bad. I’m a larger guy and can be imposing and I don’t want to scare my partner. They have reassured me many times but I just wanted some advice from this page as well. Thank you for y’all’s time.

What do you think on people who thinks it's ideal, in order to "feel part of a community", always calling all dominants as "sir"/"ma'am"? I mean, even if you don't play with that one... As a sign of "respect for their position"...

For reference I am an American XL, my waist measurement is 40 in. Currently trying to find a full latex gimp suit, can't seem to find any that accomodate my measurements or larger. Any recs?

I'm thinking of leashing my sub in public. Ofc, we'd have to hide the leash somehow, so that we don't bother anyone else.

Building on that, I'm trying to figure out places where I could force her to orgasm while leashed and somewhere in public. This would need to be some semi-secluded space, where we won't disturb anyone (nor they us).

The idea came to me while we were in a public, but empty museum. But I'm not sure where this idea would be reasonably executable. Any experience with this?

I’m curious about what hard limits certain Dom’s have when it comes to their Submissive’s.

Pretty much exactly what it says on the title - I'm looking for some type of scent that I can use on a rag that I can use to simulate a chloroform effect in my partners mind.

I have used perfumes, but the scents (understandably) are designed to be pleasant to smell, where as I am looking for something that is a little bit more 'out there'; i.e. something that is not immediately recognisable like a perfume.

And additionally and obviously it's got to be something that is going to be safe enough to inhale.

Which admittedly leads onto the next wrinkle in the situation - she's rather allergic to cinnamon, nutmeg and aniseed...

I'm not looking for anything specific (though if someone has a specific idea that I can use that would be fantastic), but more so pointing me in a direction of certain things I might be able to try.

I will do my own due diligence when it comes to checking allergies and reactions; I'm more so looking for possible avenues and ideas that perhaps I haven't considered.

do doms really like forced orgasm? i feel like i never hear about it organically from doms. it feels like something they only do because they know the sub likes it. so are there doms who actually enjoy forcing their sub to cum or is this mostly a fantasy for subs? im a bit newer to this community and my idea could just be from lower exposure but i am curious.
if you are a dom that likes forced orgasm of your own volition why? i would like to know the science.

20sF. I’ve been exclusive with my dom/boyfriend for 6 months. We were dating for a while before that, and I’ve known him for a couple of years. Because of distance and convenience, along with me not having the best living situation, I moved in with him 3 weeks ago.

Yesterday I learned he’d cheated on me 4 months into the relationship. The girl messaged me and told me, so there could be more I haven’t learned about yet. She said they didn’t hook up, but they did have VERY explicit conversations over text, mostly initiated by him. I always want to practice more kink with him, so it’s not like he can’t get it here. I guess he just wants variety, or he prefers her physical appearance over mine.

Before him, I was with someone for 3 years. Also in a dynamic. He cheated on me for the entire 3 years, full on affair/secret relationship. He was also extremely controlling, I lost all of my friends because of him, and constantly belittled me.

I’ve had an extremely healthy D/s relationship so I’m not implying all Doms suck. Between the two aforementioned when I was trying to stay single and explore, I had a dynamic with a Dom who practiced ENM. He was very up front with me and his partner, and always respected everyone he was involved with. But ofc with the whole ENM thing and already having a primary, it’s not like a committed relationship was on the table.

I’ve also dated vanilla men- and they did not cheat, nor were they as controlling. Again, I’m in no way implying any negativity towards the community. I just know that with a more dominant personality, being controlling is more likely. and being more sexually open, cheating is more likely.

I’m starting to feel like in order to protect myself and reduce the risk of going through this again- I’ll need to either stick to a dynamic with zero romantic ties, and stay single, or i’ll need to forgo kink and just prioritize finding someone who cares about settling down and has little to no sex drive that would make them want to go cheat.

My head isn’t really in the right place right now so I’m sorry if some of this came off wrong. I genuinely mean no harm and my intention is not to spread harmful stereotypes. I just wanted to know if anyone else has been here?

Hi fellow kinkers.

Me (29m) dom have always been dominant in the bedroom. I love the control, to enact and inflict plessure/torture onto my partner and keeping the pace of the session.

I love to see my playmate give in to me and push her to her subspace. She gets there really quickly when I let myself go and do what I do best (you can call it domspace if u want).

So TLDR, I get off by having control and the dynamic I/we create is perfect in that sense.

Here comes my problem.

Lately I have not been able to shake the curiosity of anal stimulation and/or getting pegged. Something about the taboo makes me crave it and I am curious about the feeling of it.

My problem in this exact scenario is 2 things:

1, the loss of my dom image and even though I'm certainly dom leaning/oriented I fear something will change in the dynamic once I give in to this urge.

2. I hate losing control and not being in control of the situation. It gives me anxiety and makes me uncomfortable not knowing what is gonna happen.

Does anyone have experience, suggestions or even similar problems like mine? I'm curious whats your take on it and give me prime examples to get this out of my head or give in :)

Kind regards and thanks for reading!

I find myself hearing about subspace all the time and I haven't gotten to experience it. What is it actually like?

Hi i'm fem/sub, not English native. pardon for my english.
New on FET and got few messages from doms.
And I don't know what to say! I'm suck at texting/chat and i'm more comfortable when actually meeting someone face to face.
And i've never experienced D/S based dating, so talking with them scares me little bit.
Should i just message them like a normal date?
I know there's red flags things I should be careful and i don't know how to get to know them in chat.

As a dom/rigger it should come as no surprise that I'm quite fond of predicament bondage, and I think they often make for great funishments.

Here's three of my favourites;

1. Hog-tie oral. The submissive is bound in a hog-tie style. Personally I like to opt for spiral futomomo on each leg, an armbinder, and then connecting all 3 together behind the back. The sub is then positioned to be lying on their front, with space in-front of them. The dom then positions themselves such that their groin is right below the sub's head. Now the sub faces a 'difficult' choice. To avoid contact with their dom's fun parts, they must lift their head right back, but this is very strenuous and they won't be able to do it forever. To give their neck a rest, they must give oral.

2. Not sure what I'd call this one, but the premise is simple. First the sub has their hands bound above their head, securely. Such that they can't shuffle downwards. Then the dom attaches a vibrator or similar device to one or both of the sub's ankles via a short length of rope, while their legs are bent. The idea is that the more they unfold/out stretch their leg(s), the more it pulls the vibrator away from wherever it was placed.

3. This one is from a Kinbaku demonstration I saw. The sub is bound, nude, to a post or column, stood upright. While they are being bound a large sheet or blanket or something is used to preserve their modesty. Then, once they are bound, the sub is invited to take a grip of the blanket with their teeth, after which anything else that was holding the blanket up is removed. Now the dom simply stands back and watches. Eventually, the submissive's bite will give out and they'll let go of the blanket, all of a sudden revealing their body.

This one works best for submissives who enjoy exhibitionism and humiliation through exposure. It's intended for an audience really, but I think it can work too with 'simulated' audience, such as by setting up a camera to record the scene.

---

There's a few of my favourites you might try out. Just thought I'd start a discussion about predicament bondage in general and seemed a decent way to kick it off. So, what are your favourite predicaments? What do you get out of them as Dom or Sub?

Anyone know why anal hooks usually have a ball shape as opposed to the more "standard" tapered shape of a butt plug? ​

Hi, I’m looking for advice on how to best approach this.

After some online experiences I’m hoping to explore submission/kinks in person and gathering courage to start attending munches. There was a recent post that went into detail on how best to vet potential doms that I found helpful, so I’m specifically looking for input on how to find what I’m looking for (and if it’s reasonable).

Previously attempts to meet someone who posted looking for apparently casual D/s dynamics on local personals boards have been unsuccessful. Although i continually communicated how I was feeling, what I wanted to explore, and where my boundaries were, inevitably over time the apparent demands on me became much greater, before we had the chance to meet in person. This may have been emotional availability, exclusivity, collaring, saying I was “owned,” pet play, continually trying to shorten the first meeting (in person) to being at their apartment rather than in public, degradation, pushing their kinks that were in my soft limits, wanting me to fully confirm we would do XYZ when we met, etc. if i was briefly unavailable or less responsive on some days (all of these have been short term, days to weeks), some would act out in various ways. I guess my personal feeling is that a day or two without communication is normal without commitment. I had expressed I was inexperienced and looking for a bedroom only dynamic + to take things slow and suggested ways to do that off the bat.

I am slow to trust in this sphere and cannot get into close emotional relationships quickly—I can get there, but I need time to know if I like someone first. I believe trust must be earned. In some online-only dynamics, I’ve known casual doms who did a great job of progressing over multiple “sessions” or maintaining my interest and submission in a single session.

I am interested in experiences like that. But it seems like many people here are looking for a level of devotion from me immediately, and reassurance if not. To me I think we should just be flirting.

Is it reasonable to expect a casual (friends, low-pressure) dynamic? Can there be a dynamic where I have equal voice & power outside of it, but submit in specific circumstances? Or, as a dom, is a high level commitment from the sub, or feeling of ownership of the sub, off the bat, a must to proceed? If not a must, how can I best (safely) find people aligned with me in person?

I’m average looking 20’s F in a city with a large kink population looking for people near my age.

Thank you.

My gf told me what's she wants our first time and that's she's REALLY into raceplay, im cool with that and little into it to. Only problem with me only being slightly into it I don't know what are good say and actions to do that are past the vanilla level. M:white(me) F:black

Oh and she told me I need to call her a n***** while we do it. So vocabulary isn't restricted.

Weird post I'm sure but I'm a sub, I don't currently have a Dom, and right now I feel completely out of control.

I try really hard to remain in control of my life, but it seems like the harder I try, the less control I actually have. I'm angry, overwhelmed, and hurting, and I'm struggling with the urge to turn that anger back on myself.

I want to be able to let go of control for a little while. I wish I had someone who could get me under control. Could gently help me redirect the anger so it doesn't become self-hatred. Someone that could see my anger, see my pain, hear the words that I only allow inside my head, see my tears, hold space for it and then somehow turn me to mush at his feet.

I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tried of carrying all of the weight by myself. Why does life have to hurt this way?