Title says it all. I have been in my relationship for almost three years now, we're engaged. I love my fiance I do. But lately I've spiraled a little. I manage everything in my life all of the time. Every little detail of work and home meticulously planned and laid out to run smoothly. It's stressful and exhausting, and I'm always overwhelmed.
I used to be in a committed full time dynamic. I would go through my same rage inducing day but I could go home and my domme was there, collar in hand, ready to give me tasks and commands and my brain would go silent. We broke it off when I moved back to my home state after dropping out of college. Then I met my fiance. She's great. I adore her, I would worship her but at this point I think she would just be thrown off by it. Frankly it feels like she's not into me as much as I am her. My toys lay untouched in a box under the bed because I think they make her uncomfortable and I dont want her uncomfortable. Theres no scenes just sex that lasts until shes bored that I often find myself dissociated through and feeling worthless once we're done. I miss what I used to have though. I miss feeling desired. I feel like I've given up my life as a sub to be a wife instead and take on all the stresses of that without the relief and satisfaction I used to get from serving someone. It feels like a chore lately. I'm snappy, and sarcastic, and overly independent now when I really just want to be submissive again. I find myself looking at my old collar, my old texts, wondering why I ever moved back when I could have just stayed.
I guess I just dont know what to do anymore. My fiance isn't into the lifestyle and I'm realizing I'm feeling lost without it. I find myself wondering is it worth giving up what feels like a piece of me in order to keep her around and I feel terrible for questioning this as much as I am..