Need support 😕
No one in my life knows about this side of me so I can't really reach out to any family or friends for support. I'm not sure what else to do but talk to other subs here.
I recently start a long distance D/S thing with a guy I met on fetlife. We talked for months before we met. He talked me about aftercare, helped me feel more safe with my kinks, talked to me everyday and we really became a part of each others daily lives. Sending pictures and videos. All that. I explained to him this was all new to me. Never been with a dom or done any scenes while he was explained and had a dynamic that over 10+ years. He felt really safe. Well after 5 months of talking we met. And of course did a scene. I did intense impact play. Choking till almost pass out, CNC, biting that left bruises and punching and slapping that left bruising. Also belt stuff. All consented and all my first time. After in the moment I still felt safe with him and like he cared.
But then he went back home... and now... he's too busy for me. I feel like my sub drop didn't really happen till a week later and he was too busy at work to even be there for me. I'm a masochist so I pushed through it by myself and came out. I still wanted to make it work with him and we set up another day to meet. Well... he's still distant. Says it's work. Which I understand. But we all have work. He goes ghost for over 12 hours and then won't even acknowledge anything I said just says good night. He says he likes me and cares about me and still wants to keep this going. But he also says he's too busy to give me tasks and rewards and punishments. All things he said he wanted before. Just always too busy. And our last conversation he cussed out saying that he's too busy to get to know me (literally) and if I can't respect that and I'm going to be bitcb get the fuck out of his life.
I'm just sad. I feel like I went to my subspace for the first time and it was deep and emotional for me. To submit to someone in such a way... I thought we had made a bond and connection. I really submitted and would have done anything for him in a way I never felt towards someone else. I feel like there should be more care and responsibility on his part as a Dom who's been in the lifestyle for so long. Like he had to know? Why do this to someone. I don't know what happened when I went to subspace. It was so intense and deep for me and I really felt like his sub. Now I need to break this spell.
I feel like a fool. I feel used. I feel sad.
I also don't know if I'm asking too much.
I also now need to get through this.
I signed up for therapy as a result yay :)
But till processing today. Just want a safe place to vent.