Messed up my first hj …
Hi guys I’m a 19yo female and I just gave my best friend (19M) a spontaneous handjob yesterday. For context, we’ve been friends since early 2024 and super close (he’s my best friend) since early 2025. Over time, we developed a very touchy and physically close relationship alongside our emotional closeness. I would say he is the only one in this world who knows everything about me. Yesterday, we met up to chill and he drunk a bit so he was quite drunk while I was drunk too but less than him imo. We were sitting at the park and then we were sitting in each others’ arms as we usually do but this time we got quite touchy and ultimately, he was grabbing my tits while I was rubbing his dick. To finish him off, we went to a public restroom.
I haven’t even watched porn before, nor have I gotten myself off or anyone else off. So this really was my first time. Once it was over and we were on our way back home, I asked him to tell me how he found the experience and he said it was different, and upon further probing, he said it was good. He also said it wasn’t as good as expected. He also said that he doesn’t regret it. Then, he said this is only a one-off thing solely because he feels like he shouldn’t engage in sexual acts regularly with someone he’s not romantically attracted to. He didn’t seem keen on a fwb arrangement also when I lowkey suggested it. He also said that we should change our dynamic of being physically close while remaining just as emotionally close because he likes our physical dynamic too much and this scares him because he doesn’t like me romantically and tbh doesn’t want to take this friendship into the romantic territory. Safe to say, I have many points that I am worried about that I will list below.
- Is it common for a girl to be bad at giving a handjob when it’s her first time? Because I really feel like I underperformed and that’s why he doesn’t wanna do this anymore, even though he said it’s because of his morals.
- It was quite humid in the park so I was quite sweaty. As a large chested girl, my boobs were quite sweaty so when he was touching my cleavage, he could definitely feel it. Could this have been a turnoff? I told him multiple times that I was sweaty and disgusting but he kept saying he didn’t mind but idk if this was only in the moment and maybe he’s turned off by it now.
- He’s said the being less physically close thing twice in the past before but we always end up going back to normal. I’m scared this time we won’t because such a big thing happened
- I’m scared he won’t find any use for me in his life because he got such an experience from me already so there’s no appeal in me anymore.
- This being both of our first sexual experiences w the opposite gender made this entire situation quite deep to me but he seems so nonchalant and unaffected. He answered my questions on the way home and even on call later that night but he himself wasn’t worried about anything. The only thing he was even a bit concerned about was making sure that nobody else found out about what we did.
- He’s called me ugly so many times before then why did he do this with me.
- He said he doesn’t like me romantically then why did he keep asking me when drunk if I liked/still like him?
I’d appreciate any and all of your thoughts on this situation.
EDIT: so sorry for the long post