I held my grandpas hand as he died
Me, my mom and my grandma were keeping watch as he slowly passed. His room was too quiet. When I ran out of things to talk about with him I sang to him. By the time I had gotten there he could no longer speak or open his eyes. But he squeezed my hand while I talked and sang to him.
My mom stepped out to take the dogs out back at her house. I walked into his room to talk to him before I hopped in the shower. I grabbed his hand and said, “hey grandpa it’s my name.” He took one last rattling breath in and exhaled. There wasn’t another inhale. I sat there waiting for it. He’d been taking longer and longer to breathe and I thought surely he’d inhale. He didn’t.
I grabbed my grandma so she could say goodbye. I spent summers with my grandparents as a kid. He was the person who loved me most in the world. My mom had been at his side for two weeks straight. I had to tell her that he passed on the phone. She’s never talked to me about how it made her feel. Only shed a couple tears. My grandma too. They both thought they had to be strong. I had no one to break down with. I sobbed.
The moments following his death were hectic as family friends came in. I resent that they intruded and started yelling at me to call my mom. I told them I tried and they said to keep trying. They told me harshly to call the hospice and I couldn’t find the number. I was there with him during his last breaths but the minutes following I was so stressed. It was supposed to be calm. I feel robbed of my last moments with him. Instead of being able to say goodbye I was being order around to do things. I had never seen someone die before. So I just listened to what I was being told to do. I wish I had stood my ground. My heart breaks for my mom who wasn’t there and me and my grandma who were running around stressed instead of taking our last moments with him. I try and take comfort in those first few minutes of peace but all I can focus on is what happened after and I’m so angry. He was dead. There was no need to rush anything.
The only one who cried with me later was my uncle. He was trying to make it before my grandpa passed and he couldn’t. We cried together and talked. I’m so thankful for him. I wish I could’ve had that with my mom and grandma but they aren’t those kind of people. They only cry when they’re alone.
I woke up thinking about my grandpa passing and needed to get the thoughts out. Thanks for listening.