Hey everyone,
For years, the crippling fear of death ruled my life and exhausted my mind. I know exactly how dark and lonely that anxiety feels.
After a long journey of research and perspective shifts, I managed to overcome it. I created this comforting video guide to share the exact tools and insights that helped me end this fear, hoping it can do the same for you.
I did an internship with an undertaker some time ago, and believe me, I know what a dead person smells like. I currently smell exactly that smell often in places like my school.
Im an 17yr old girl, my entire life, since I gained consciousness, I have had an INTENSE fear of death.
I like to believe it’s because of my autism and adhd, but everyday, I have a nihilistic mindset, which can cause me to give up on passions I have fairly easily.
I am fairly optimistic, I laugh a lot, I’m happy to live, although I am an atheist, I believe there is absolutely nothing after death and I have thought that way my entire life.
My dad tells me he isn’t afraid of death because it’s natural and apart of life, I understand that, I would say I’m smart, I have taken an iq test as a child and got a high mark, and I blame that on my fear of death, every single day of my life I think about the legacy ill leave behind, I get upset that I probably won’t be famous because I want people to remember me, I feel like the way the world works is stupid and this isn’t how humans should live.
I’ve been researching and becoming fascinated by old
European culture, paganism, etc, I’ve been happy and content with that, but I guess I just need someone to kind of give me a new perspective, to help me to stop fearing what “legacy” ill leave behind, I can barley even live because all I think about is people dying, dead people, how everyone will die, EVERYTHING about death, it isn’t necessary scary anymore, but it haunts me and I need help.
I passed out from blood loss. right before passing out all i remember was saying to myself "dont pass out dont pass out", then i was out.
It was bliss, it felt like everything id sought for, like heaven. I hope thats what death is like.
When i think about death, the first thing that comes to mind is the relief, the relief of not having to endure my broken brain and body anymore (ive got chronic and untreatable health problems). but then its thinking about what i leave behind. all the things ive cared about, all the things that have meant so much to me just gone. this goes beyond just the people im leaving behind, its the memories that are erasing from existance, gone with me, as if they meant nothing.
It's been over a week since I found my dad passed away in bed from a heart attack. We had all thought he had the flu because he was vomiting. We have now found out his heart had burst over 24 hours prior, and he had barely complained of pain, chalking it up to the vomiting and heartburn. I didn't get to say goodbye. We had fought badly a month before, and I hadn't properly apologized, just a quick "sorry" and a hug. I was going to take him out to the spot he used to take me as a kid for burgers so we could catch up better. Now I find out he told my sister, a week prior to his passing, that he was unsure if I loved him. Now he's gone, and he will never know that he meant the world to me. And now I have nothing and nobody to make proud or to keep me stable when I'm shaken or distraught. He was always there. Always, and now I have nothing but regret. I dont know how to keep going. And im not the only one in pain. I need to take his roll in the house now that my mom has lost her life partner out of thin air. Life isn't fair. Fuck
What's our purpose...
Hey, I know you dont know me, but I just feel like I want to talk to someone.
Anyways, long story long: I have had 6 open heart surgeries and now have something call Protein Loosing Enteropathy or PLE. This is a leaking of the lymphatic system and cases swelling. Along with damaging your organs like kidneys and liver, at least in my case. This is all caused by high filling pressures in my heart.
All that to say, day to day life tends to be pretty hard. I generally feel very lethargic, throw up, have stomach issues, heart palpitations, and numerous other ailments throughout my day.
I used to not be nearly this sick and could live my life without worry. Im not sure why recently it has been so bad.
I am 23, going to be 24 in June and Im just genuinely not sure how much more of this I can take. I have always been known to be someone who doesn't give up easily, but I just think how it would be nice to not feel so sick all the time.
In a lot of ways my life isn't so bad. I did mange to graduate college recently. I have a absolutely amazing, beautiful and kind girlfriend. I live with my parents in a nice house, nice neighborhood, sports car in the garage.
Its funny how I could have so much be still need so much. How, to someone looking in, they may be jealous. When your basic health is dwindling, all other aspects of your life seem to fade away.
Another aspect to this is not only my physical health, but my mental health. Similarly to my physical health, this to seems to be dwindling. I think to myself "Maybe this will be it." Or I tell my heart to "Finally rest" and to stop. I specifically think that I will die after I have a good day. As if it won't get any better than the day I just had.
I think dying will just be like nothing. I think of it as the time when you weren't born. Its not black, its not fuzzy or weird, its simply nothing. This thought is comforting. Nothingness sounds nice and I have always been someone to appreciate the silence. To be still. To rest.
I figured Id end on this poem I wrote. It is called:
"Soon Enough"
You are young, the Man said,
Do not worry, the Man said,
Just try your best, the Man said,
"Are you afraid?" The Man asked,
"Undoubtedly", I replied.
The Man said, "Do not be, for once you were not here and in the same way you will be again."
Finally, the Man said, "Soon enough you will forget to be afraid."
Even if not required here, this would still be flared NSFW because I feel kids definitely aren't ready to read THIS, Least this OP feels it strongly...
TL-DR; I got so long, for once I thought I'd even use one of these myself. Im Sick, an your sick too, an one needs to see it in themselves 1st, before theres any chance of recovery...
So, I originally found that this was miles too long to ever post anywhere. It was a very old, bad, DARK borderline Evil tale. And I've pulled most all of it. I came to realize the only part I ever wanted people to read was at the end. So I pulled almost everything and just replaced most, with this quick (lol) explanation instead. I don't think I would have been okay myself, if I had of posted my original to be honest. It don't even belong in r/death. To be even more honest, if what's to follow should make absolutely 0% sense to just the whole of the internet. Only keep in mind, this was written by someone suffering a mental illness himself.
For record; Dial 988 it's always there. An if only to try an stop a string of DM's I feel comin my way. Let me say first, I'm not Suicidal... An as I feel, that's the first thing one will say to themselves, when their at least developing ideations. Yeah I said it. Let me try to say it better, I'm past that... I've been here before, an I'm over it now. Just, I've added this block you read now, lastly, after everything else. Only, one really should keep going there's good words to be found.
(I've deleted so much now, and it's all for the best too. Know what, did anyone else know, most subs will only let you post between 6000 to 12000 characters? I simply couldn't trim enough fat to properly tell the story anywhere. When I realized that Astonishing fact, I chose not to try to tell it at all)
Stop. I read all that back out loud, an none of this sounds right. (This had to be by far, the single, darkest, thing I'd ever though to put to Reddit.) An for once... There's no Sorry coming. It just doesn't seem to belong. But, I do wish you all, each of you... to only find Peace.
So at this point, would anyone care to know what keeps Suicidal Ideations from ever taking a hold on me again?
I'm speaking of a true physical impossibility, at this point, Actually... Ya.
Would you like to know what can keep these evil thoughts at bay permanently?
Just... I'm not mean, I'm not hateful, but I'm very depressed right now. You see? I'm Sick!!! I'm Bipolar (one) Only, I can see it nowadays... An If one can find a way to see a sickness it will help you. Of this? I can promise, an your always able to ask for help too. But this is only the first step, here comes the last.
There's something deep in me. A core tenant, driving principle, and my personal foundation as well. This leads me, guides me on my road. An I only had remind myself it was there to begin with. Funny part, I never had any idea when I etched this, into the back of my mind at such a young age that it would actually manage to save my life someday... I'm surely NO philosopher either. Yet this is deep profound wisdom. Only very simple and easy to grasp at the same time,
So here take it, only with my best wishes on the road, What drives me? And my apology too,
"What one man can another can do"
With that said thanks for reading, Later.
I am a 46 year old man who found out about a year ago I am on a clock. I wasn't ready to talk about it. I would like to find someone preferably female to discuss this with as I have a male therapist. Message me and I will discuss it with you.