u/Brother_Burrows

Could it be that I I'm truly treating this medicinal like or is it the fact that I'm in a situation where I work 2nd shift, I still remember to eat and to stop at a certain point.

But I'm also becoming more and more open over the past 4 years how I've not been caught or even suspected unless of course I bring it up casually like "Yeah I remember when I used to be" Yeah "used to be" sue me.

Present yourself in a way that no one would suspect you're on this shit. Cause when you're ADHD and before hand you already a stoner, psyche head, had tried it once in 2018 and it was a nightmare two days later.

Fun fact: it was just bank teller life at 24 years old (33M now by the way.)

And still, I continue to use this shit living the life of losing sleep, gaining it back, being more recluse, too much gooning, could be productive again like playing guitar but nope. No desire or drive. No drive? On this? We know we know.

Could be going out more and mingling.

Nah I've lived the mingle life. Wearing a mask everyday, playing keep up with the joneses for people you think are cool so you want to be in their circle. Long story.

Cut off credit cards and absolving debt because I was in a cycle that technically I'm still in but only now, it's truly knowing and seeing just how sickly I am becoming because of meth.

My joints are stiff. I'm trying to remember to walk more.

I smoke good God. Just... meth weed and cigarettes. That's alot of daily and nightly smoke y'all.

I still respond coherently. Until I add weed or booze to the limit then I'm shutting down. It's 4:42am and I'm typing this to you all because I'm trying to get back to sleep. My last dose was way earlier around 7 or 8 ish.

Usually even after my 1-2 hour maybe smoke sessions, once I've added weed later on or done something active, productive, fulfilling or even all in one, I'll start to feel more chill and eventually go to bed. It's almost like now even on this shit, that even when I don't take anymore by the afternoon or evening, I'll still be able to be tired and sleep around 6 or 7 ish. And luckily since I'm 2 minutes away from work, I'm up by 12-1pm and getting down a meal first, then getting the pipe ready for now at least for work. Just an hour. Not smoke more early in the morning and put it down on and off. Obviously since just gooning, yeah there's opportunities to have sex now. But now I'm picky and still emotionally fucked from my ex and just don't care now cause I'm literally after more now. That and this drug basically replaced my need to wanna get laid cause for one dick shrinks. Another thing, I had so much sex in my 20s. I know sounds douchey. You should've heard me back then.

Anyways. There you have it. I'm feeling permanently fucked to where I'm just going with it ready to crash hard and hopefully don't off myself. I say this with no emotion. Because I really am lacking care but at the very least, because of this drug, I am still able to just go in, do my job even on a little sleep and get more done when I tune everybody out at work.

Am I okay?

HEADS UP: THIS POST IS WRITTEN BY A M33 WHO IS GENUINELY TRYING TO EITHER QUIT ENTIRELY OR START TREATING IT LIKE PROPER MEDICATION FOR ADHD. WHICH WE ALL KNOW TO NOT RECCOMEND. I DO NOT RECCOMEND. I'M JUST LOOKING FOR ANY COMMENTS PEOPLE MAY HAVE BASED ON THEIR OWN SIMILAR EXPERIENCE OR ANY ADVICE.

Anyways, the caps were unnecessary.

So long story, after a bender I had a couple weeks ago (Which if you do follow me and my posts, I hope you've been entertained or if I've opened your eyes in some way.)

I decided to be done BUT THEN fell back into the cycle of overeating and long story but last weekend I had ate wayy too much to where yeah I got up with the worst stomach pain and shits. Followed by sleeping with strange ass dreams.

Woke up at 3pm (I work 2nd shift. Though normally not even sleeping in that long. And when i woke up (oh mind you this was days after the sleep deprived bender. Kind of a blurr) I unblocked the dealer, got my usual ball, and spent most the next night up going into sunday.

But for some reason, up until tonight, I have done well with not taking it late cause I finally crave sleep though my dopamine receptors are definitely shut down I think.

Deep down, I don't care. I still don't feel angry. I feel as though I'm okay with... Okay not the stomach pains.

But yeah, I've been totally okay with... Okay maybe we're just slowly trying to get death to take me out. Idk.

HOWEVER. funds are cut off. Credit will be shot. Settling my debts that were too much easy access to keep racking up for meth.

Anyways. There's your fun update on how this 4 year functioning addict that is starting to barely function. Maybe maybe not. By doing less and just rolling with it. Cause the cravings go away and only prefer to take after eating before work. Now it's almost 6am cause yeah we took some from like 1am-2:30am. I time these smoke sessions I have you see, so I know when to stop. But mainly get glued to my phone too much and goddamn this acid reflux. Also the gooning, I tell ya. Jesus.

Anywho, thankful to everyone in this group who's helped me maintain a criminal record free non psychopathic functioning meth head life. I wouldn't have made it this far if it weren't for sweet Ali whom I met on here 4 years ago on here and truly had a bond with I believe. Or was it the meth? Either way hate I screwed it up with a true long distance friend.

Please any tips. Comment below

Thank you all.

Sincerely,

Brother Burrows aka Cletus Moonbeam.

To A Better & Brighter Future,

Regardless Of The Consequences.

Well, after almost getting caught by cops due to buying off the wrong people last Thursday night/ Friday morning, and the fact that my gut is killing me and my dopamine receptors are definitely fried. And again, even when I eat enough, still hurts. I also smoke alot cigarettes while on ice. And I just threw the meth pipe next door like I always do only this time it literally bounced back without being shattered. Like very close to me.

Confessed to a coworker who has a hard time comprehending social cues but goddamn, she has earned my trust.

I went to work on a 12 hour shift on Tuesday after no sleep the day before. Last night, was up till 3am only cause I slammed down 3 or 4 benadryl after hitting a Lil bit of the pipe.

Slept good.

Woke up normal time before my shift.

But goddamn the entire day, I've been feeling shortness of breath while still looking okay and a gut that can't make up it's mind.

Oh and I have no way to describe it other than I was literally choking on smoke after my last few hits hawking shit that felt stuck in there and hawked just teeny bit of blood.

Oh yeah. Weed in my system per usual. Over the weekend, it was meth, coke, weed, shroom gummies whiskey and nicotine.

Well? This the end?