u/ChampionRelevant2411

My (28, male) gaining journey is a bit of a longer story but it might be helpful to understand my problem; I was growing up pretty chubby weighing in at 105kg with 15 years. This was when I first discovered I liked being fat but somehow ended up losing weight to 75kg for years. Even though I never lost my interest in fat I did not wanted to gain, I was actually super scared of it.

A few years ago I met my bf. He is super fit and it became quite clear pretty fast he likes bigger guys. Even though he never asked for it I decided myself to gain weight, getting up to 100kg in less than two years. I ate more and even used mass gained shakes to keep getting bigger. My bf is absolutely going crazy every time he gets to feel my body and also showed interest in me gaining more weight.

For months I’m absolutely torn apart but not because I don’t like my weight, I actually like it and I get super horny all the time. Drinking mass gainer, showing off my belly and all that stuff is great and I really want to give in even more, gaining more weight.

But then, sometimes, somehow, there’s this one feeling in me, telling me it’s bad and I feel like that instantly, wanting to loose weight. It comes out of nowhere, there are no negative comments, no negative situation, nothing. It’s just there leaving me nervous, torn apart and insecure. This feeling mostly stays for a few hours, maybe a day, in the worst case a week but then I get back feeling the desire to gain more weight and I truly want that. This negative feeling is holding me back on finally giving in, living as I want and I hate that feeling so much but at the same time I don’t now how to stop it… any advice?