(WARNING: Rant, Racism, Depressing, Self-harm)
Please do not read this if you would be triggered by Self-harm/self-destructive stuff or if you would be offended by racist thoughts etc;
Anyone else only in to this fetish cause of severe dislike and hatred of (not all, but certain groups you know the ones) black people, and seeing this utterly r******* modern trend of some of the most beautiful, sexiest, prettiest, breedable-iest, fantasizablest, and now even more horribly some of the most wholesome, nicest, kindest, would-make-a-great-wife/mother-est women, not just white women, but women and girls of almost all races with the dumbest, ugliest, most r*******, braindead, dirtiest, n****** just purely because they're confident or 'alpha' or good in some social situations or good with talking to girls and many times admittedly naturally muscular or seemingly effortlessly athletic or intimidating etc.? Like the prettiest blondest suburban well-to-do white girls or the sexiest most gorgeous bombshell Latina girls or the wholesomest cutest brown/Asian girls with the grossest most degenerate most despicable black orc-creatures known to man? And I don't mean every black person either, I feel no cuck-feeling or that horrible gut-wrenching feeling of loss or grief or anguish it whatever the fuck that is when you see it, with like a normal chill suburban black guy or like an educated civil black guy or even actual African africans from Africa. No, I'm talking about the lowliest, dumbest, thuggest, fetal-alcohol-syndromest, mama-dropped-them-on-their-head-constantly-est, mama-was-doing-coke-when-she-gave-birth-est, severely-beaten-at-home-est, fatherless-est, stinkiest, dirtiest, brainlessessed, n****** from the literal hood shithole part of town, who have these girls somehow wrapped around their dirty grime-encrusted-nailed fingers.
Like that fucking gut-wrenching horror and pain and the insane weird feeling of grief and loss and like idk how to describe it fully but it hurts so bad and it feels like such a fucking loss that your mind and body immediately tries justify or to pleasurify as a coping mechanism, or just so your fucking mind won't explode in rage and grief and loss and pain and anguish, the type of anguish that makes you want to cut your stomach open so the feeling goes away... It comes from the idea that how could THAT girl or that TYPE of girl be with THAT type of utter degenerate monkey n******, like she should be with me or at least with someone fucking normal, or at least with someone fucking civil, or at least with someone who DOESNT HAVE absolutely no empathy for his fellow man or woman and and is an utter sociopath and will literally kill someone for a nickel, or won't abuse you and drop you like his stinking fucking used up crumpled up joint the second you're pregnant and he now has actual fucking obligations or responsibilities, like that's the bar, that's how fucking low the bar is... The reason it's so painful, and thus so sexually exhilarating etc to give in to, is because he's NOT better than me, not by any of my own standards or by any normal standards of any human society. I know tons of black people, a lot of them actually from Africa like Nigeria, Tanzania, Uganda etc first generation and second generation, and they're probably one of the most educated, civil, professional groups of people in the whole world. Those guys? They're definitely better than me. Smarter, nicer, more polite, better jobs, make more money, usually bigger guys too and naturally muscular and heavy. Great! More power to em! Do I EVER feel the gut-wrenching horror, the anguish of the feeling of defeat, the horrible cuck feeling from them? From seeing amazing beautiful girls, white, Asian, Latina, brown etc with them? No! Absolutely never, not once! Why? Because they ARE better than me in many regards, because I like them and admire them, and respect them, and want to be more like them! It makes perfect sense in my head and heart, that yes, these guys earned or deserved good, beautiful, loyal women. With these dumb as bricks thug n******, and in fact same goes for the rappers and the athletes too, I will never in a million years understand why in the fucking world a girl would throw away her whole life, and all of her dignity and self-respect and societal/community respect for like a 3 month long 'relationship' with one of these fucking mindless orcs. The pain, the anguish, the feeling of defeat, trying to make it understandable or make it make sense in my mind trying to cope with it, THAT is where my BBC/BNWO/BLACKED cuck fetish comes from.
That is why I now can't go more than a few months after deleting all my fucking porn accounts and social media alts and before deleting all my saved degenerate images and videos before I get the itch, and something triggers it, and I lose my fucking mind and goon the hardest I've ever gooner and cum the hardest most mindbreaking most exhilarating most exciting most horrible most defeating orgasm and explosive cum I've ever cum until that point. I feel so horrifically depressed and guilty and ashamed and defeated and in loss afterwards, and after a few days or a few weeks or even a few months of frantic desperate horny searches and gooning and falling to new depraved lows and searching even worse even more depraved and more self-humiliating and even more horrible porn and social media and real life situations and captions and edits and pmvs and discussions etc etc etc, I get to a point where I feel so depressed and horrible and angry at myself for giving in and guilty at myself for hurting myself that I cut it cold turkey and confidently, easily promise never again, only for it to happen again but 10x worse, to 10x worse 10x more deplorable content, with 10x the pleasure, and 10x the regret and shame and grief and horror afterwards, ad indefinitum... Because the 'giving in', the 'surrender'-ing, the defeat, it's just so much less painful even though it's actually literally painful in many ways. Ive begun to think of it like cutting, or at least MY way of cutting: I know It's painful, I know it's bad for me, I know it's going to hurt me, but it's the only way to cope with the sheer overpowering pain and anguish and depression that is so strong it's utterly unbearable in the moment. It's self-defeating, but until I can find a way to heal my self more permanently, if I can be smart about it, maybe it won't be so bad? This is my justification for me furiously desperately moaning and screaming to her worst porn or other sexual content I can find after having been triggered by something or angered by someone or saddened by something I saw earlier in the day either in real life or in some media or online. And that is how angry, passionate spitting of "Fucking n******, I fucking hate n******, You stupid fucking dumb r******** braindead mutt monkey ape n******" turns into loud breathless desperate screams of "Yes, fuck her n******, Fuck her n******! Yesss fucking fuck her stupid n*****! Mindbreak her n******!!! Fuck my ****, fuck my ***, fuck my ******, fuck my ******** you evil fucking braindead n******!!!!"
Fuck I hate n******...