Daughter (29F) in mental turmoil (idk what to do)
I (29F) have been deliberating Fantasy and Reality. To preface this, I want to say that I've had fantasies for a very long time. But I've personally never been attracted to my own father (54) per say. Nor has he ever inspired arousal or attraction from me for a lot obvious reasons but also much deeper reasons that I don't wish to divulge.
Anyways, my addictions to porn and my fantasies (Incest) have turned my hypersexuality to the max and I can't get the desire out of my head. Mind you, I fully understand the gravity of the consequences if it were to occur.
Now, here's the thing. My father is not an easy man to love by any means. He has done some truly reprehensible things that are truly hard to forgive. Not to mention that our relationship as Father and Daughter is rocky. And, as his daughter, I have love hate feelings towards him.
Recently, I went to some place and he was introducing me to his friends, ones I find very difficult to be inclined to like, but friends who have nonetheless all told me each time how much my father talks about me. He also calls me nicknames in front of them that I find strange even though, knowing my father, he's joking. And I could be reading into things, but when we were in the car, his hand was on my thigh for a short while before he removed it.
Personally, it's hard for me to say whether or not I would actually attempt incest with my father. It's one thing to think about the what ifs, another to act. But we're moving in together again for various reasons and now I'm afraid of myself. Mind you, I don't find myself very pretty half the time. But when I have the energy and motivation, I clean up pretty good.
But all I can think about if my father has ever thought about me in that way. Even though he still infuriates the living hell out of me. However, I will never have romantic feelings for him. I think my issue lies in the fact that I would consider it if it was to just fuck cuz we're horny.