u/Curiousmusician007

Yesterday, I wrote a post, then deleted it, as I needed to rethink my thoughts. Here we go again. Buckle up.

Perhaps this would better be titled something like "Non-monogamy, faith, fear, shame, insecurity, rationalizing, justifying, the entire buffet of guilt plus guilt for not feeling guilty in some cases, etc."

My goodness, this non-monogamy thing can get complicated in the church, and can run the full spectrum of, well, everything. I understand the desire. I understand the guilt. Been there, done that. Also enjoyed the playtime quite a lot.

I'm a guy who was on the pastoral staff of a couple of different churches. My life literally began in the church; my dad was a pastor, so there was always the pressure of not stepping over any lines. As it turns out, I wasn't very good at staying inside the lines.

My interest in non-monogamy began relatively early when I attended a Christian college, and started having fun with girls there. After that, it was at a Christian summer camp where there a bunch of hormonal teens and early 20-somethings on staff. There was a lot of fun happening in the co-ed dorms. The bathrooms and (individual) showers were also co-ed. Some days, I wondered why any of us even bothered to wear clothes. I guess it was because the camp attendees might have complained. A few attendees joined in the fun at night.

I didn't really understand what it meant to follow Jesus at the time. When I was 22, I gave my life to Jesus, and things started to change in my life. Perspectives shifted. There was more peace in my life, despite the dangerous work I was involved in. I can point to numerous instances where God intervened and kept me above the grass.

On quite another facet of life, I had been a musician for years. I'd won recitals, sung in lounges, entertained the college crowds from time to time, that kind of thing. I started writing songs of substance. Eventually, I wrote songs that started getting noticed to the point that a couple of labels got interested, songs got recorded, and awards started coming in. That was kind of cool.

Through it all, the desire for non-monogamy never left. It actually intensified. It was confusing after I got married, because that's somehow supposed to magically be behind all of us after we get married. I then I realized that I might be wired this way. Upon looking into it further, it appeared that men and women are wired differently. In general, or so they say (whoever "they" are) men are wired to want to mate as much as possible. The church expects that to be reined in. Women are (generally) wired to biologically connect and bond to any man with whom they have sex. Apparently, the more men she experiences, the more difficult it is to attach to one man. I've spoken with couples who have been in the "lifestyle" for years, and they are committed deeply to each other. The women love it, and are able to separate the playtime with others from the commitment of marriage. Well done. Well done, indeed.

Eventually, I left the dangerous work and started working on the pastoral staff of a church. I also led worship teams, and did regional and national conferences.

Back at the home church, there were a few women who got close to me, even though I was married. Just solid friendships where we could laugh, talk about things, and have fun.

Non-monogamy was not openly on the table, but it was on my mind. Yes, I've had fun with married women when I was single, and with single women when I was married. In some cases, it occurred quite quickly, and was over reasonably quickly. In other cases, it was a trust and depth of relationship that was built over a couple of years. In those cases, it got to the point where we knew each other so well that the only unexplored avenue was the sexual one. The most significant instance was with a single woman when I was married. We had met in the church, worked with each other, known each other for a couple of years, became fast friends, and the relationship went deep as time went on, and was full of sexual tension. She initiated everything, and I didn't object. It was incredibly natural, because we already knew each other so well. It started off slowly, and then it got to the point where we did everything, and it was SOUL-MOVING! Incredible. Wow. I had no idea it could be that mind-blowing. Words cannot describe it.

Then the guilt hit both of us for a couple of days. I didn't want to hurt her or her place in the church. Maybe it was shame. Maybe it was because we had too much fun. The next time we met up, though, it was inevitable. We talked through what we had done, how we had felt, how much we enjoyed it, what happened afterward. Was it guilt for contravening church rules, or was it the Holy Spirit convicting us? In any event, clothes came off, and we ministered deeply to each other again and again. We had a long-term relationship for a couple of years before she moved away.

I find it difficult to describe just how deeply it affected me in a good way. To know that I was married, and having sex with another woman of faith seemed to me an incomprehensible revelation that it could be done successfully, with such joy, and yet was somehow in opposition to church teaching. It was then that I knew (or perhaps rationalized) that non-monogamy between people of faith was indeed possible, was an incredible experience, and should be experienced more often.

For some, the restrictive part of the church will be impossible to break from; this cohort will never venture into the area of non-monogamy. The fear of being "found out" and being given the left foot of fellowship is too great a burden to bear.

For others, there may be one who wants to play with others and one who doesn't want to; the one who has an interest may only be able to watch from a distance.

Some may step into the pool, play, and find it is not for them, and leave.

For others who are committed to each other, and who want to add the spice to their lives and play with others will have talked it through unreservedly, and will come to the conclusion that, upon speaking with others who have walked this path already, that those who have successfully navigated the waters of faith and fun frolicking with others actually have a good perspective on life, very healthy communication, and are the most supportive, loyal friends they could ever have.

I have always wanted real people in my life, and not bound-up Christians who really do need significantly more fibre in their diets. My preference is to be completely open and real with them, and if we get to the point where, yea and verily, there is a mutual agreement that there is no alternative but to play and experience each other more deeply than is possible anywhere else in the church, I will say yes to deeper connection.

I welcome DMs, by the way.

Hi all,

Well, I originally started with an inquiry for Canadians, but since we're all in the same community, it's not exclusive to Canadians. I've noted that many posts on this forum are from the USA, with a few from other countries. I'm from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Former pastoral staff, board member, and music team guy. Several denominations over the years.

I've had some wonderful conversations with people in the USA the past few years, and continue those relationships to this day. I'm hoping we will meet someday soon. For those, I am grateful.

Perhaps far too few Christians know about this forum, and the value and wisdom of the various perspectives it provides.

On a "Canada" note, I know I can't be all alone in this winter wasteland. There must be more like-minded people of faith who have that "naughty" or "taboo" side up here in Canada who cannot discuss the topic freely in their churches for fear of being given the left foot of fellowship. Too many people in too many churches are in need of much more fibre in their diets. This, I suggest, will be the case in churches around the world.

I do welcome DMs from any Christians who have an interest in all things fun. Conversations about faith, conversations about fun. Exchange stories about how we got here? How did we start? How did we navigate the fear, the shame, or even the successes? Can one feel guilt about not feeling guilty after a tremendous success? It can be a maelstrom of emotions conflicting with how we grew up, what we were taught. But the FUN and depth that occurs? Priceless.

For as long as I can recall, I've been non-monogamous. I grew up in the church with my dad as the pastor. That was interesting, filled with pressure to conform, and quite repressive. I found that I naturally fit into the non-monogamy side of life when I started working at a church camp where there were a bunch of horny young adults, and never looked back. I committed my life to Jesus when I was 22, and found that the interest and desire to be with others never let up. Years later, the interest (and participation) in non-monogamy still has not subsided.

If I meet a woman with whom I become fast friends and get along famously, and we click by laughing a lot and going deep quickly as a result of the depth of connection, AND we both want to take things further, I see no reason not to. I consider it an incredible honour (honor if you are American) to be granted that measure of trust by another woman. Getting to know someone well is one thing. Having that tension in the way due to social norms, expectations, or somewhat forced standards is so frustrating. Being able to connect on that much deeper sexual level is amazing. It literally moves your soul. Incredibly. I've had experiences with married women when I was single, and with single women when married. Some relationships developed quickly, and some developed over a year or more as we got to know each other better, until the time arrived when there was no other option but to remove the barrier completely (and our clothing) to welcome each other into our respective lives with a deep, soul-moving experience that kept us wanting more (including laughter, good food, communication, etc).

Living as a person of faith while living a life of sexual freedom may sound counter-intuitive to many. For some, it is impossible to reconcile. For others, it will remain an interesting yet unexplored, quizzical, taboo land, but still an interesting place to view from a self-imposed or obligatory "distance from desire." One person in a couple may want it, and one may not. For yet others who decide to push past the norms, though, it is a land of deepened relationships, unreserved, unashamed communication on every topic once the "forbidden" sexual barrier has been opened to observe, discuss, and explore.

I am thankful that I have been able to experience this both outside, and within the church. I have found that those who are sincere in their faith, and are willing to open their lives to exploration beyond what might be viewed as restrictive boundaries are the easiest people to get to know, and some of the most solid, loyal, best friends ever.

These types and depths of friendships, whether sex is involved or not (because understandably, not everyone will be everyone else's "type"), are so precious.