am i doing masochism wrong? (CW: self harm, mentions of cutting and cnc)
i'm living with my family in my early 20's and i'm hiding being trans. a year into hrt, and it's getting harder to hide the effects. they're all pretty bigoted, and this is the only option besides homelessness (i have an escape plan, but it's not very luxurious). work sucks ass as well.
i haven't had the best past either. i cut off my biological mother years ago for bigotry and shitty parenting. my best shot at a decent livable career ended with a suicide attempt and blatant medical negligence.
tldr: i'm stressed and dealing with lots of trauma.
i was always a pretty hardcore sadist. i love cutting, beating, cnc, etc. before i knew i was constantly dissociating from dysphoria i just thought i was a sociopath. i ended up hurting partners, and in general was a piece of shit.
i spent time alone after finding out to reflect and try and become a better person. then recently got with two incredibly loving and amazing partners and discovered i like being on the recieving end of pain too.
we're all very open about how we feel, and we have amazing communication when it comes to kink and limits and tapping out/safewording when things get too much. i tell them to only do things they're comfortable with.
i look forward to being hurt and comforted by them as an escape from all the pain in my life. a way to forget the stress of the world. i love getting pinned down and forced to endure groping and beatings. particularly if one of them is soothing the pain during it all.
but when i'm hurt by them, i like to dwell on how much i deserve it; that i asked for it. it makes everything melt away.. and it's just their wants. i'm just a piece of meat to be used.
i want to feel useless, like a failure, like i deserve every second of suffering. and then i'm comforted and told everything is ok and i just cry into their arms. and everything is good.
i'm so scared that what i'm doing is closer to self harm than anything, and that i'll end up hurting them like i've hurt partners in the past.
what do i do? sorry if this is a little too heavy for this sub.