Daddy and I are taking a break, I'm a bit lost.
This may get a little rambly and probably waaaaay too long, so I'm apologizing in advance, but I really need to vent and maybe some advice. I'm so lost and I don't even have him to comfort me about it right now. Alt account because he knows my main.
For starters, Daddy(39m) and I(32f) have been together for a little over a year, we're long distance, and we have a romantic relationship on top of our dynamic. We didn't start off in a dynamic, just kind of two people flirting and messing around online. He claims I 'guided' him into his position as my Dom, but sometimes I feel like I pushed him towards it (even though he says otherwise) but it was something he's always been interested in, just had never tried. Every other woman in his life had been vanilla. I don't want to call myself experienced as a sub, but I'm not a total beginner either so throughout the months I've been helping him learn as well as I can.
He never really took it too too seriously, it was a very casual dynamic, with little periods of time where he would be feeling more dominant. My Daddy is a switch, and while I'm 95% submissive, I do have a dominant side that comes out very very rarely and in those times, he has enjoyed being my good boy (this info is important for later on).
About 8 months after we first met (around Christmas time, we both have family's outside of each other that we were busy with) things started to feel a bit off for me. I would ask him about it, we chalked it up to it being the holidays and that things would resume normally afterwards. They didn't. It continued feeling more and more off, it doesn't help that he started a job that was the opposite shift of mine. He had started hanging out with a new group of people that I didn't know (we share a main friend group that we game with, they don't know of our dynamic but they do know we're close) and was beginning to spend more and more time with them, and less and less time with me/our group. I have VERY big feelings, depression, and anxiety, and those 3 things don't tend to mix very well. I should note, a couple weeks into January I began a very bad depressive episode, and the day that we were on the phone and I was explaining how I was feeling worthless and like I didn't want to be here anymore, he started frequenting a site that he hadn't really visited throughout our time together which caused me to overreact and made me feel bad about even telling him my feelings.
After close to two months of feeling ignored and neglected by him, I started pushing the issue and I didn't stop. I knew at this point it wasn't just me overthinking or being too in my head, something was wrong. After lots of back and forth, he told me that he felt like seeing what other submissives had to offer, that he wanted to be able to boss them around and tell them what to do, that he wanted more than just me as his sub. I told him, "what do you mean? You want to be more of a Dom, I'm RIGHT HERE." Why do you need others if you're not even being a Dom to me? Like WTF? All I wanted was for him to take charge more, and here he was not willing to do it for me, but willing to do it for others? It crushed me. This hurt me so bad mostly because throughout our relationship he would tell me that I was enough, that he didn't want anyone else, he was very happy with me, etc. I had asked him quite a few times if he was talking to other people how we talked, every time he told me no. It would've been something we could've talked about if at any point he would've said yes. I'm a bit of an insecure person, but I'm also understanding. If I'm not meeting a need of yours, tell me and we'll figure it out. He lied to me numerous times over. I started questioning everything he ever told me.
Well we spent some time talking about it, I met the two ladies he was considering for his subs, we were all in a group chat, but deep down I wasn't comfortable with it. Long story short, the other two ended up breaking up as friends, he saw a couple red flags from one of them, and things kind of fell apart. I told him I wasn't comfortable being one of many and that if he wanted more, he needed to find a sub that was willing, and that him and I could demote each other to play-mates instead of having a dynamic/relationship and he could continue his search for more (I was looking for ways to keep him in my life that would make him happy). He didn't take the out, but did tell me that part of it was that my emotions were pushing him away.
After that, he decided to crack down, told me he was happy with me being his only sub, that he thought he wanted more but as he learned (he had bought a few Dom centered audio books so he could learn more) he realized he wouldn't be able to handle more than one, and that he wanted to fix things for us because he knew he fucked up. I told him there were some stipulations: you need to be 100% honest with me, if you start feeling like talking to others how we do you need to tell me, you need to communicate with me more about feelings, schedules, etc., and that I would work on controlling my feelings and emotions more. I told him that it would be a lot of work and that even if he follows all that, I still might not trust him. I had trust issues prior to him, I'll have trust issues after him. Well lo and behold, it was hard to come by after that, I doubted everything he told me, but he really was trying. We set up a discord server to be centered around our dynamic, obviously with just us. It has a devotion channel for proof of tasks and whatnot, an audio diary channel for me to talk about my feelings, a gen chat to talk about BDSM related things, share stuff, whatnot, and voice chats that we would hang out in whenever we were able. He was taking control a lot more, we were talking a lot more, video chatting a lot more, spending more time together in general, I was starting to think that things would really be okay from that point on.
Things started to feel comfortable and secure again, I was working on my trust and it was slowly coming back. I was still worried about those things happening again but he ASSURED me that they would not, multiple times over. He was happy, I was happy. Then our year anniversary hit. He was a little busy that day, we didn't get to do the things I wanted, I had gotten a little upset about something the night before, but we still got to spend time together and that was enough for me, that was a Friday. The following Saturday and Sunday, I got our standard morning greetings, then nothing, for 10+ hours, and trust me, I tried. Us going that long without talking is VERY rare unless one of us sleeps that long, which is also rare. Then I would get a text when he got to work like nothing awry had happened. Sunday was a repeat, morning greetings, nothing till he got to work half a day later. That Monday we always have a lot longer to talk on the phone while he's working, and he claimed he just didn't feel social or like talking to anybody (after he had told me on Saturday night that he had a very busy day, come to find out he was just watching a show and not paying attention to his notifications). I told him that's fine but why didn't you tell me those days that you were feeling like that? I understand, I have a low social battery, I get that sometimes you just don't feel like entertaining people (even though my social battery doesn't drain for him, apparently I drain his). He apologized.
For about a week I still felt like things were a little off. I would ask him about it, he would once again assure me nothing screwy was going on. I believed him, until something happened in a server we're both in (server for the same new group he had started hanging out with the beginning of the year). It caused him to start talking to a newer girl from that server (we'll call her Lily) privately (she is poly but I believed that this girl wasn't interested in even being his friend as every time he was in voice chat with them she would find an excuse to leave the voice chat). I expressed that I was a little worried, he told me he's allowed to have friends and I agreed. After an audio diary entry expressing that I was feeling insecure about the new situation, he said, and I quote "oh princess I am very happy with what we have, I promise you im not looking for anyone else to replace you, im not growing bored with you whatsoever. I would like to be able to have friends with out you thinking im doing something naughty," end quote. I had asked him if he was planning on her being a "special friend" he replied no. To note, around our one year(April 24th), prior to Lily, he had stopped listening to my audio diary entries as soon as he could, it would happen days if not more later (he still hasn't listened to my most recent one, which I posted on the 2nd of May), and he had stopped interacting in our server as much.
Around then he had me download a new app, SubTasks, and I was ecstatic 'cause I had been telling him I was interested in having more tasks, more ways to show my devotion to him, things to keep me busy during the day while he's sleeping. We started with a pre-made kit with an agreement that when we had time to sit down with each other that we would tailor the tasks for our dynamic. That lasted nicely for about a week (around the time he started talking to Lily), and then he stopped checking it as much, stopped approving my tasks, stopped talking to me as much. I noted that on the work nights where we couldn't hang on the phone, he was active on our messaging app a LOT more frequently than normal because he was talking to her. He said, it's a new friendship, of course I'm going to be responding to her a lot more, it doesn't mean anything. Seeing the frequency and excitement did make me jealous, he doesn't act like that with me anymore, I'm not new and exciting to him anymore.
To spare you some more details, turns out, even though he told me otherwise so. many. times, he was planning on Lily being a "special friend." However, after finding out some information, Lily didn't want to pursue anything more than platonic friends with my Daddy. If that didn't happen, I'm almost certain that he would not have stopped talking to her and chasing her, no matter how uncomfortable I was with it.
After this happened, we had a talk about a week ago now, where we came to the conclusion (what he wanted) that we would put a hold on our dynamic, and try to repair our relationship, then slowly bring our dynamic back in. He left the extra servers he was in, claiming that they were nothing but temptation for him. He also said that he feels like something is missing, and that's the reason (now) that he keeps straying. So we kind of decided that I would try to be Mommy more for him, be a Domme for him and see if that helps fulfill what he's missing at all. All week I've been trying to get him to take the sub survey on buildyourdynamic so I have a starting point because I truly don't know what I'm doing, but everytime I asked if he's had time he's said no, not yet. Well I tried to be more dominant today, thinking that that would make him want to talk to me more. After we played I got his attention for maybe 30 minutes more, I gave him two tasks before he went to bed, one to take that survey. He had it done right away. But after that, he ignored me again until he went to work, which has been a common theme lately after our morning time together during the week.
This past week has been hell for me. I thrive on being a sub, it's my mindset almost all day every day, and now I'm questioning my submission to him which is killing me because I don't want that. I'd take the casual, sometimes Dom but always interested in me, over what this is now. I just want things to go back to how they were before our first rough patch. Since our recent talk, it's felt like he's pulling away a little more each day and I'm trying so hard to deal with it. He is SO important to me, our online lives are pretty intertwined, I love him dearly and care for him so much, and it seems like he doesn't feel the same towards me, like he only remembers me when it's convenient for him. It doesn't feel like he's trying to repair anything, or that he's even interested or willing to try to repair our relationship. I'm so lost, my head has been in a fog and I've been on the verge of tears for days and whenever I bring something up it mostly gets ignored or he tells me to stop it/that. I don't know what to do. I don't know what this is going to look like moving forward. I thought I'd be able to just hit pause on Daddy being my Daddy but I'm devastated and slowly realizing that this probably isn't going to survive, no matter how badly I want it to.
TLDR: My Daddy lied to me a lot, strayed, said it was my fault because of my emotions, we tried to fix things, he tried straying again, we decided to put our dynamic on hold and just work on repairing our relationship, it seems like I'm the only one trying now.