u/Dangerous_One_9597

I recently made a post and soon after got chat requests out of nowhere. One was asking how am I and how old I was, and the other was more inappropriate. I chose not to accept the requests and just move on.

It seems this is a recurring issue within this subreddit. I feel a bit angry, but also sad. I'm angry because of how predatory it is to target specifically people in this subreddit. I'm also sad because it sort of reminds me of my own past creepy behavior. I kind of feel like I deserve it and don't deserve to have an issue with it

I've(M20) been struggling a lot mentally lately, and I've been thinking I might be dealing with hypersexuality. I think it started to take root whenever I would see sexual content at a young age. I discovered porn right before turning 10 years old, which is also when I first started puberty. I also masturbated for the first time. This was the summer before I started middle school. I started to have sexual thoughts about girls, teachers, etc. I did feel some guilt for those thoughts. I even subconsciously separated the thoughts from girls that I had crushes on.

I also started to act weird and creepy at times towards girls as middle school went on. It culminated during my 8th grade year at 12 when I randomly developed a major crush on a girl. I would stare at her a lot, as I was too scared to approach her. I started to become obsessed. Weirdly enough, I don't recall having sexual thoughts of her at the time. I didn't act any other ways or say anything inappropriate towards her, but I felt porn could've affected me subconsciously. I realized how uncomfortable I had made her, and I felt a lot of shame and guilt. I also developed suicidal thoughts because of this moment, which still persists to this day.

I thought I was less creepy during my first year of high school, but after thinking it over, I got worse. I would get crushes on girls I found attractive and just act weird. I had trouble mentally dealing with sexual thoughts affecting my friendships with girls. I remember I was telling a friend that was moving that I would miss her. I had sexual thoughts flooding my mind during that moment that I tried to supress. It felt like I was living a double life, and I was an imposter faking any good intentions.

I still feel really guilty about how I acted towards a girl at the end of the year. I had approached her and just stared at her so I could sign her yearbook. She happily initiated the conversation, and we signed each other's books. I don't like the sexual thoughts I had leading up to that moment. Another major thing was when I was talking to a girl in class, and I tried to show off my bulge. Thankfully, I don't think they noticed, but I shouldn't have done that in the first place. This was probably the worst sexual behavior I've engaged in. I'm not even sure why I did that, as I was very insecure about my penis being visible due to people staring in the past and locker room embarrassment that year.

I've made small improvements over the years since, and I had a lot more I wanted to talk about, but I don't want to make the post too long. Maybe in another post. One moment that still sticks out to me was during my senior year when I was having sexual thoughts in the middle of class one day. I looked around the classroom for a moment, and I just saw everyone talking with friends and doing their work. I felt sad at how everyone was able to act normal, while I'm having all these sexual fantasies running through my head. I just didn't realize how abnormal and creepy I was this whole time.

Thank you for your time, and I apologize for the length of the post.