Story of a friend - more than a brother. Genuine help/advice needed.
My marriage, addiction, and mental state are destroying me, and I don’t know what’s real anymore.
I’ve been in relationship with my wife for over 4 years including 3 years of marriage. We have two young children. Our relationship was unstable even before my addiction: trust issues, jealousy, emotional distance, repeated fights, and family conflict. After a major separation (4th or 5th one as I recall), I fell into daily substance use during a period of loneliness and emotional collapse.
What confuses me is whether addiction destroyed the relationship, or whether the relationship was already damaging us long before addiction escalated things.
One of my deepest wounds is emotional coldness. During some of my lowest moments, when I admitted I was struggling and asked for support, I felt I received anger and reminders of my mistakes instead of comfort. That broke something inside me.
At one point she told me, “I am not fine,” and I realized how hard it must have been for her to manage two children while I disappeared for days. I apologized sincerely and asked for support while trying to stabilize myself, but I still felt emotional distance from her.
I know I’ve changed too. I’ve become suspicious, reactive, emotionally unstable, and I’ve sent terrible messages during fights that I regret. I isolate myself and obsess over disrespect, humiliation, and loyalty.
I also carry long-term mistrust because of incidents over the years that made me feel emotionally unsafe. I can’t tell anymore how much is reality, unresolved trauma, or the effects of prolonged substance use.
We’ve had periods where things improve and briefly feel normal again, especially when I’m partially or fully clean. But the cycle always restarts. Certain behaviors from her trigger me deeply, while she says I’m imagining harmful intent where none exists.
Logically I know she may not be trying to betray me, but emotionally I still experience some situations as humiliation or rejection. I genuinely can’t tell how distorted my perception has become.
What also disturbs me is how detached she seems now compared to before, when she would panic if I left. Even during good moments, something feels emotionally missing.
I’ve started fearing things I don’t even know are rational anymore:
- that she’s emotionally done with me,
- that she wants me destroyed,
- that she’s collecting evidence against me,
- or that addiction, stress, paranoia, and sleep deprivation have damaged my judgment.
My physical health is deteriorating too. An MRI showed spinal disc problems and surgery was recommended.
My life now feels like a constant cycle of aggression, pain, humiliation, loneliness, temporary reconciliation, and collapse.
I keep asking myself:
Did addiction make me paranoid and hypersensitive?
Or did years of mistrust and emotional pain push me deeper into addiction?
I’m not looking for blind validation. I want honest perspectives from people familiar with addiction, toxic relationships, trauma, or severe mistrust.
Can prolonged substance use distort someone’s perception of disrespect and emotional coldness?
Or can relationships genuinely deteriorate until both people become emotionally unrecognizable to each other?