Am I overreacting to my SB asking for extra support around an intimacy issue?
Current SR is about to hit the one-year mark. We started as PPM, then around the six-month mark switched to a monthly allowance. At that time we also agreed neither of us wanted to see other people, and we stopped using protection. We see each other two or three times a week. I have strong feelings for her, and she has told me she feels the same and I believe her.
Not using protection was a big deal for her because she is very worried about pregnancy. I decided to get a vasectomy because I don’t see more kids in my future and figured that would ease her concern about something unexpected happening. The procedure is coming up in a few weeks.
A few days ago, she said something that surprised me. She asked whether I had considered whether even without pregnancy risk, she might not want me finishing inside her. She said it creates extra cleanup, possible odor issues, etc. TBH I was not aware of those issues but I understood her concern. I offered that we could keep doing things the same way if she preferred and that the vasectomy would at least remove the pregnancy concern if there was an accident at some point down the road.
She responded that she was okay with it but that it was not something she would usually do in an SR and that it felt more like a boyfriend thing to her. She also said a little extra help with expenses or shopping each month would be appreciated in exchange.
That hit me the wrong way. Her allowance is already close to six figures a year, and I have also taken her shopping a few times and spent quite a bit on top of that. I like helping her and taking care of her. But tying this specific intimacy issue to increased support made it feel very transactional and caused me to question the relationship a bit. How would she feel if I said on the dates where we don't have sex I will take a little off the allowance?
At the same time, she knows I do very well financially and am in the top 1% of income in the U.S. So maybe from her perspective asking for a little more does not seem like a huge deal. Especially since she has been out of work for a few weeks due to a medical issue. (I was going to give her a little extra this month because of that but hadn't told her yet).
I’m going to talk to her and let her know it bothered me, but I’m curious how others would view this. With the age difference (54 and 31) I never thought we were going to settle down together or anything. However, we’ve gotten very close and I was starting to think of her more as my girlfriend that I help out and not just a SB. I know that the allowance will always be part of it but it does hurt a little that to have the financial aspect brought back front and center as her perhaps primary motivation for staying in the relationship. I guess that's just naivity on my part.