u/Euphoric-Passion5118

How do you all still show affection and intimacy in your marriage when there is no sex?

My wife has said that she comes to me for affection (touching, hugs, kisses etc) but I dont go to her. I want to tell her that there are so many reasons why I stopped, but I just can't.

She keeps saying that she needs to feel emotionally safe, and that she needs to know that I got it with the kids (I don't cope with stress, home life, lack of control at home with kids etc). But it feels like a moving post - if I lose it once, it feels like I have to start again.

I have stopped reaching out to her and I know its driving us further apart - but at the same time, I can't keep up with what she wants before she says yes to sex.

The woman I met years ago - doesnt exist. And she says that we change over time..... but this is depressing.

I want to reach out to her, but I just cant. Everything that she did post kids/marriage seems fake. The times she gave me oral just because she wanted to (only a few times in 16 years). The times when she wanted me to feel pleasure because she wanted to (only a few times in 16 years). The times where she promised that we will try.

When she said she thinks about sex - but its a times when we cant have it - I dont now what to believe anymore.....

But she says that she never lies, and that autistic people tell the truth.

Im now on a daily vent with ChatGPT while I drive just so that I get everything out - and while it sounds crazy, it does help - especially when the heart feels heavy and the soul feels destroyed.

Its a daily battle to keep going and not to cry. Its a daily battle to keep calm. Its a daily battle to put on a smile......

Lately I have tried to give myself pleasure and I just havent even been able to get hard (too much info).

Im a shell of a man..... where as when I was with no one, I was the best I had ever been.....

Hey. Thinking of trying the cinemas at bayswater.

What time do the cinemas open?

And how does one get in? Is it free? Or is it pay at the counter?

I'm totally new to this

Since my last big post (the one about my wife having fantasies etc), we had sex twice within 7 days (early/mid july). After we had sex, she even asked "would once a week be enough for you?"

It's now been 4 weeks since we had sex.

It got me thinking - is she asking that just to keep me happy? Is she asking that just to fulfill my needs? Does this mean that she just sees it as duty sex?

She again said 2 days a go that with everything that is going on with family and all the things that she has to do with the kids (autistic kids), she doesnt have time to even think about sex. That we may have to just keep doing what we do during the day (touch and hugs, kisses on the cheeks etc).

Now I am once again thinking what do I want out of all of this?

It sounds like she is perfectly happy with just the day to day touching. Yes, she does have other health ailments (EDS, hypermobility etc) and she is also autistic/adhd - but am I selfish to think about my needs?

-----

I have also been soul searching - and I have come to realise that I need to grieve the fact that we never actually enjoyed our newly married life. Within 10 months of getting married we became parents. Prior to that we dated for 1.5 years, got engaged and then married about 5 months later.

I never got to come home to my new wife. I never got to take her out as my new wife. I never got to come home and make love to my new wife. I never got to travel with my new wife. We never got the chance to just be naked at home and do what we liked. We never go the chance to go to movies as a newly married couple. We never got the chance to have lazy weekends as a newly married couple.

And I think in the process, we never bonded as a newly married couple.....

This hurts me.

Everything that I wanted in a relationship and marriage, I still havent experienced.

I wanted to give her the gift of being a mother (something that she wanted for so long but couldnt do with her ex husband). I also wanted to be a father, but I never thought about any of this until recently. I wanted to give her the gift of having a family life that she never had.

And in the process, I never had what I wanted to experience......

------

I also feel depressed that she pushed me to have sex on our second wedding anniversary after an argument that she started (and I didnt want to have sex as it killed the mood). This resulted in us getting pregnant with our second son.

It was a night I was looking forward to all day at work, she was dressed up in a mini dress and looking sexy asf. And the argument at the restaurant ruined it.

And I still havent gotten over it.....

After this, our sex life dried up a lot the last 12 years......

------

Maybe I am done with pursuing her. Maybe I am actually not attracted to her sexually anymore because of all these things, but I live with the hope that maybe it will change.

My kids dont respect my rules because she sometimes has overridden them.

Hell, even I dont respect myself to say what I want.....

And it looks like I am more like a single married man

... and I see a video about a female prison guard seducing inmates.....

Even inmates in a prison get more attention that a married man going on 14 years!

I have never entertained the thought of visiting a nude beach before. But maybe in the not too distant future.

How does one get over the nerves and worry that their body is grotesque to be nude?

And as a male, how do I make sure that I don't show..um... how do I put it.... excitement?

I suppose why I'm asking is because I want to come a bit more out of my shell.. but growing in a strict household has really impacted my freedom to just live....

I have had a few messages from women in DB relationships wanting to sext. They say that they find this is an easier way rather than actually finding someone....

Never reached out. Never would reach out. But I admit it feels good when the opposite sex starts talking

Would you do it?

Why or why not?

And yes I'm aware that on the internet, we can't trust anyone.....

Saw this on Facebook and thought I'd share.

I was in the car yesterday and was thinking how men generally feel about being sexless.

But what do women feel like?

Is it the same as a man?

Is it just wanting to be wanted? Or just wanting to be f**ked? Is it needing connection or love?

And what happens when you don't have sex for weeks, months or years?

At the end of 2 weeks for me, I start to get jittery.

After a month, I start to spiral downwards slowly.

After that it's a slippery slope towards depression and desperation.....

Worst feeling ever.....

I wrote a couple of times in the last 2 weeks with respect to my marriage and the sexless aspect of it.

To revisit the details - 44m (almost 45) and 47f (almost 48). We average 5 times a year (based on the last 6 years). You can read my posts by searching my username.

Last week, wife and I went on a date. We had fun. We laughed. I was being a gentleman, and she loved that.

And after we came home, we had sex - it was passionate and it reminded me the good times when we first met. And she said that she was imagining us on a beach and with me f**king her on the sand. That was a turn on to hear that.... she is the type that doesn't really talk dirty or mention much about these things.

The next day, we felt closer - and there were hugs and kisses and just generally us feeling like lovers again.

Now here is where it gets interesting.

She has trauma from childhood - I will not go into it here as its personal.

But we sat with a cup of coffee, and she opened up to me.

She said that she spoke to her best friend who said that what she is doing is wrong by me. That her holding off on sex is not good for our marriage etc. And I think they spoke more about what is holding her back, but this seems to be the reason why she made it clear that she was wanting me during and after our date.

The next bit really took me by surprise, and she was worried about what I would think.

But she said that she fantasizes about a couple of scenarios:

1. Threesome with 2 men (one behind, other in front), or one in missionary, other at her face while she lies back. She mentioned me at the front and another dude pounding her. But she also mentioned just 2 guys - and no mention

2. Being used as a sex slave by me where I just get men to walk into our home/bedroom and have their way with her. All while I watch.

And just talking about these fantasies were making her wet apparently.

Keep in mind, my wife is someone who is a feminist and wants women to be treated with respect etc., would have fantasies like that.

She said that she doesn't want to act it out, but it turns her on - and she doesn't know why. She said that she felt dirty thinking these thoughts. She felt that people would think she is a sl*t or a wh*re for having these thoughts.

I told her that it's normal to have fantasies. Some couples act on it, others don't. I told her that I often don't talk about my fantasies because all the women I have been with don't show that sexual side of them.

She also said that she doesn't really know what to do sexually as a woman. For example, how to get into it to please me or talk dirty etc. I told her to just go by what she feels - let things go and just be free.

Now I see her in a different way - not as my LL wife, but someone who is actually sexual, but has been blocking it for the whole time I have known her.

I want to talk to her more about this and find out what else she really feels and wants. And I think over time (perhaps) she will open up more.

My only thing is if she does indeed want a 3rd to join us, that will be a test for me. Should I say no, should I say yes.

What if she wants 2 other guys and me just watch?

All these questions now are circling my head. We have been together for just under 2 decades, and this is the first time my jaw has actually dropped.

Why....why would she put an image of me and say "16 years and still hot"

.... but then says "I just don't have the drive" and "kids are my love language"

And spend hours on the phone....

And not look after her hygiene etc....

The other day, I wrote a long post updating what was happening with my marriage.

Well, here is another update.

For those in Australia, we have what's called the NDIS. It is there to support families that have members with disability (helps provides things like supports, psychology, Occupational therapy (OT), physical therapy for disability etc) . Its very controversial at the moment, so I dont want anything to be political.

Anyway - back to the topic at hand. We had a meeting with the kids OT through telehealth. I logged in late because I was not sure about the time. My wife was already there on time (30 minutes earlier) and from what I saw, she had been crying. She was driving and talking to the OT.

Basically, she told the OT she was burnt out (working, kids and her own health issues). It made me feel really low - like I was not doing enough to take things off her plate. Keep in mind, this is my first thought - I need to do more.

After wife came back home, she logged off for a bit so I could talk to the OT about how I have been doing etc. So, I told her that I'm doing better with kids, I'm taking a different approach and its working etc.

Now here is where I started shaking my head (internally shaking my head).

Before my wife asked this question to the OT - she turned to me and said:

"I'm probably going to be making you uncomfortable with this next question"

And I knew what it was going to be.

She asked the OT:

"On the topic of sex, how many couples of neurodivergent families actually do have sex on a regular basis?"

The OT laughed at the question and said "uh, its not something that I normally talk to them about - but I would say that with everything going on in life, I doubt that sex is on the top of the list"

Now, I really do respect this OT - she's done wonders for our kids, and is a genuinely lovely soul.

But my heart sank as this has just affirmed to my wife that its normal.

My wife looked at me quickly and basically acknowledged what the OT said.

I feel that the more we keep hearing that couples don't have sex for whatever reason, that it is normal or ok to accept it.

This is not right.

My wife heard that women don't like swallowing or giving BJs - so she doesn't do it. In the 16 years of being together, she's only given me a BJ 5 or 6 times for no reason at all or as part of foreplay.

She heard that men always think about women's bodies as sexual objects - so she brings that up when I previously talked about my need for sexual intimacy.

She heard that during perimenopause and menopause, women lose all interest for sex - so she has already preprogrammed that this is it.

She heard from someone (im sure of this), that its easier for men to get a vasectomy (which is true), and that makes sex life better. At a wedding, she spoke to one of her friends, who said that her husband got a vasectomy and its made life so much easier to have sex. And I remember it well, because wife turned to me and said "see, it is easy, takes 1 hour, and a quick recovery - this is why I want you to do it"

My point after all this - I have no hope of salvaging my sex life within this marriage. There are too many factors playing against what should be a natural thing for a couple. Too many people saying this is normal and what not.

I have mentioned it before that my wife doesnt want me to watch porn, and she doesnt want to open the marriage either.

As per the other post - I have tried hard for her and the kids to be a better man. And I am a better man now....

But I am also a done man.....

**long post - and sorry if this is jumping around a bit - I am writing as I think it**

I (44m) have been away from this group for a while as I have been trying to focus on bettering myself as a husband and father.

Please note that we are a neurodivergent family. I have adhd. Wife is adhd, asd, pda. Kids are the same as wife. Wife also came from a trauma background (sexual trauma).

Things have been going well for the most part - especially with my kids. And this in turn has been good for our household. My work has slowed down, which has stressed me a lot - but I am also going through burnout. Not training at the gym. Struggling with my hours as a self-employed worker. I'm really at a point where I am even hating my work and life. if it wasn't for my kids and my parents, who knows.......

In my last blood test, the doctor said that my T-levels were lower than normal. I want to get it up, but am wondering why?

If I take the Testosterone gel - and if I get the levels up - it may be good for my mental health and energy etc - but not good for my libido (esp as my wife (47f) is LL).

And I also will say that, I know a lot of you on here have been sexless for years.

------------

On to yesterday.

I had a sex dream and it was amazing. But it was not with my wife. It was with a darker skinned woman (think Vivica Fox like). She was gorgeous. And she was wearing pink lingerie. Anyway you get the point.

I woke up, and was so depressed. That was the first sexual encounter I had in 4 months.

Got ready for the day and then broke down in the study. Was on the floor crying.

Wife came in and asked what was going on (she lay down next to me). I told her that I had a sex dream, and its the first sexual encounter I have had in 4 months.

Wife was mortified that it has been 4 months since we last had sex. Since November 2025 - we had sex 5 times. 2 out of those 5 were quickies. Last time was 26th Feb 2026.

We dont do birthday sex. We dont do mothers day/fathers day sex. We dont do anything.

But then she said that she just doesn't feel like having sex. She is not a horn bag. She doesnt think about it. Apparently all of her friends are the same (neurodivergent families). Just no time to even think about sex. She has previously said she feels asexual.

She suggested that we do couples counselling or sex therapy. I told her that I suggested it a while back and she didn't say anything. No reply for that one.

And now that I have told her this, and she said she wants to try - my mind says "she is only wanting to do this because you told her that you need sex - not because she wants to do it"

She said that she will talk to the doctor or her friend (see below) for homeopathic treatment to increase libido.

Weeks ago she said that her love language is kids - that if I am good with the kids, she is more likely to have sex (as she would feel safer). Back story with this is that due to lack of sex I have been really on edge for the last 7 odd years. Plus her wanting for me to balance work and family - it was very stressful in my line of work. So I wasnt coping with kids and their needs on top of wife not wanting my body.

But now I feel pressure of being always on it - if I get a little bit annoyed with kids, it feels like I have gone back 10 steps because the kids go and complain to their mum.

Again a few weeks ago, I was in tears and I brought up the lack of sex after having a bit of a bad night with kids (stress induced inability to cope with their needs) while wife was out with a friend.

And she spoke her mind that I need to do better and stop acting like a narcissist etc etc. She said that I need to grow up. That I need to be the man and not a child. To stop blaming others for how I am feeling. To let go of the old stuff etc etc.

Is it me or does that sound like a shut down? I can never talk to her directly because I need to talk in a approachable way so that she feels safe enough to listen and not freeze up. But the other way around, she feels that she has to be direct.

I checked with a psych if I am a narcissist - she said no, I am not based on everything I have said.

A few weeks ago, she told one of her friend (same friend that can help with homeopathic remedies) that I keep track of how many times we have sex. I don't know why she even told that (in front of me as well). It made me look desperate and insecure.

2 weeks ago we went on our first date in a long time, and things felt good. We took a drive after and she kissed me and told me that I can touch her anywhere. But then after we got home, no thoughts of sex. I will admit that by the time our friend left and kids went to bed, it was late.

Few nights ago, she said that she wants to do things to me in bed as she knows what I have wanted (i.e her to make me feel satisfied as well). I said no pressure - because to be honest, I don't want to get my hopes up because other times she has said "I wont promise anything though".

As a bit of a background - she hasn't given me oral, or anything just because she wants to please me. Its always me doing everything - making her orgasm, going down on her, kissing, licking her and then when she is finished, she wants me in her so that I can finish.

Before we got married and had kids (we had only been together almost 3 years before we had our first kid - married for 10 months before he was born) - she gave me oral and did 69 maybe a couple of times because she wanted to.

She's always telling me that I am undiagnosed autistic. Her friends are saying that I am def autistic. Me - I just want to live life and be happy, in love and have a great sex life with the one that I chose to be with. I dont care about being undiagnosed autistic or anything relating to neurodivergence.

I spent most of yesterday in bed, sleeping or crying. I didn't want to have anything to do with her. We just bought a house, her and the kids want another dog - I am regretting everything that has happened (house) in the last 10 months almost. Nothing is going to change.

I question to myself why she pushed me for a vasectomy in 2019. I said no. She said we will have more sex. Hasn't happened. It almost feels like she talked to friends and they said their experiences with their partners/husbands with vasectomies and sex life.

She and the kids are now vegans (nothing wrong with that), and are volunteering with the animal rescue organisations (nothing wrong with that either). The other night on the way back from work, she called and said "hey, I didnt ask you about this, but I decided to do something on the way back"

I asked what it was, she was transporting a rescue dog from a house to the pet rescue place. Nothing wrong with that (I would have said no problem anyway), its just that I feel again that if it was the other way around, I would have asked first.

Oh and to add one more thing - She has also been angry with her brother who divorced from his ex wife because he couldnt have sex due to her medical condition. Wife said that her brother was so consumed by wanting sex and that its not all about sex.

I dont know.... I am just at the end of the marriage. I am more and more ready to accept that we are housemates raising kids.

I have had other relationships which were sexless as well - so maybe its my programming.

If I divorce, I look like a loser because people told me not to get married to my wife.

If I dont divorce, Im doing what I always have done - which is to try and make things work (I have done this with work, uni and other relationships).

Sometimes I just want to have someone on the side who is in the same predicament as me - who wants to feel appreciated, yearn to be touched, caressed and have sensual and passionate sex.

Im going to be 45, im not young anymore.....but I want to feel like a man again...... I want a woman to hold me, push me on to the bed and have her way with me.

** Just to add - I have started a couple of different things outside of work. Slowly but surely its started. I like to call these things my mission - hopefully that will get my mind off sex as well **