u/Euphoric-Passion5118

The other day, I wrote a long post updating what was happening with my marriage.

Well, here is another update.

For those in Australia, we have what's called the NDIS. It is there to support families that have members with disability (helps provides things like supports, psychology, Occupational therapy (OT), physical therapy for disability etc) . Its very controversial at the moment, so I dont want anything to be political.

Anyway - back to the topic at hand. We had a meeting with the kids OT through telehealth. I logged in late because I was not sure about the time. My wife was already there on time (30 minutes earlier) and from what I saw, she had been crying. She was driving and talking to the OT.

Basically, she told the OT she was burnt out (working, kids and her own health issues). It made me feel really low - like I was not doing enough to take things off her plate. Keep in mind, this is my first thought - I need to do more.

After wife came back home, she logged off for a bit so I could talk to the OT about how I have been doing etc. So, I told her that I'm doing better with kids, I'm taking a different approach and its working etc.

Now here is where I started shaking my head (internally shaking my head).

Before my wife asked this question to the OT - she turned to me and said:

"I'm probably going to be making you uncomfortable with this next question"

And I knew what it was going to be.

She asked the OT:

"On the topic of sex, how many couples of neurodivergent families actually do have sex on a regular basis?"

The OT laughed at the question and said "uh, its not something that I normally talk to them about - but I would say that with everything going on in life, I doubt that sex is on the top of the list"

Now, I really do respect this OT - she's done wonders for our kids, and is a genuinely lovely soul.

But my heart sank as this has just affirmed to my wife that its normal.

My wife looked at me quickly and basically acknowledged what the OT said.

I feel that the more we keep hearing that couples don't have sex for whatever reason, that it is normal or ok to accept it.

This is not right.

My wife heard that women don't like swallowing or giving BJs - so she doesn't do it. In the 16 years of being together, she's only given me a BJ 5 or 6 times for no reason at all or as part of foreplay.

She heard that men always think about women's bodies as sexual objects - so she brings that up when I previously talked about my need for sexual intimacy.

She heard that during perimenopause and menopause, women lose all interest for sex - so she has already preprogrammed that this is it.

She heard from someone (im sure of this), that its easier for men to get a vasectomy (which is true), and that makes sex life better. At a wedding, she spoke to one of her friends, who said that her husband got a vasectomy and its made life so much easier to have sex. And I remember it well, because wife turned to me and said "see, it is easy, takes 1 hour, and a quick recovery - this is why I want you to do it"

My point after all this - I have no hope of salvaging my sex life within this marriage. There are too many factors playing against what should be a natural thing for a couple. Too many people saying this is normal and what not.

I have mentioned it before that my wife doesnt want me to watch porn, and she doesnt want to open the marriage either.

As per the other post - I have tried hard for her and the kids to be a better man. And I am a better man now....

But I am also a done man.....

**long post - and sorry if this is jumping around a bit - I am writing as I think it**

I (44m) have been away from this group for a while as I have been trying to focus on bettering myself as a husband and father.

Please note that we are a neurodivergent family. I have adhd. Wife is adhd, asd, pda. Kids are the same as wife. Wife also came from a trauma background (sexual trauma).

Things have been going well for the most part - especially with my kids. And this in turn has been good for our household. My work has slowed down, which has stressed me a lot - but I am also going through burnout. Not training at the gym. Struggling with my hours as a self-employed worker. I'm really at a point where I am even hating my work and life. if it wasn't for my kids and my parents, who knows.......

In my last blood test, the doctor said that my T-levels were lower than normal. I want to get it up, but am wondering why?

If I take the Testosterone gel - and if I get the levels up - it may be good for my mental health and energy etc - but not good for my libido (esp as my wife (47f) is LL).

And I also will say that, I know a lot of you on here have been sexless for years.

------------

On to yesterday.

I had a sex dream and it was amazing. But it was not with my wife. It was with a darker skinned woman (think Vivica Fox like). She was gorgeous. And she was wearing pink lingerie. Anyway you get the point.

I woke up, and was so depressed. That was the first sexual encounter I had in 4 months.

Got ready for the day and then broke down in the study. Was on the floor crying.

Wife came in and asked what was going on (she lay down next to me). I told her that I had a sex dream, and its the first sexual encounter I have had in 4 months.

Wife was mortified that it has been 4 months since we last had sex. Since November 2025 - we had sex 5 times. 2 out of those 5 were quickies. Last time was 26th Feb 2026.

We dont do birthday sex. We dont do mothers day/fathers day sex. We dont do anything.

But then she said that she just doesn't feel like having sex. She is not a horn bag. She doesnt think about it. Apparently all of her friends are the same (neurodivergent families). Just no time to even think about sex. She has previously said she feels asexual.

She suggested that we do couples counselling or sex therapy. I told her that I suggested it a while back and she didn't say anything. No reply for that one.

And now that I have told her this, and she said she wants to try - my mind says "she is only wanting to do this because you told her that you need sex - not because she wants to do it"

She said that she will talk to the doctor or her friend (see below) for homeopathic treatment to increase libido.

Weeks ago she said that her love language is kids - that if I am good with the kids, she is more likely to have sex (as she would feel safer). Back story with this is that due to lack of sex I have been really on edge for the last 7 odd years. Plus her wanting for me to balance work and family - it was very stressful in my line of work. So I wasnt coping with kids and their needs on top of wife not wanting my body.

But now I feel pressure of being always on it - if I get a little bit annoyed with kids, it feels like I have gone back 10 steps because the kids go and complain to their mum.

Again a few weeks ago, I was in tears and I brought up the lack of sex after having a bit of a bad night with kids (stress induced inability to cope with their needs) while wife was out with a friend.

And she spoke her mind that I need to do better and stop acting like a narcissist etc etc. She said that I need to grow up. That I need to be the man and not a child. To stop blaming others for how I am feeling. To let go of the old stuff etc etc.

Is it me or does that sound like a shut down? I can never talk to her directly because I need to talk in a approachable way so that she feels safe enough to listen and not freeze up. But the other way around, she feels that she has to be direct.

I checked with a psych if I am a narcissist - she said no, I am not based on everything I have said.

A few weeks ago, she told one of her friend (same friend that can help with homeopathic remedies) that I keep track of how many times we have sex. I don't know why she even told that (in front of me as well). It made me look desperate and insecure.

2 weeks ago we went on our first date in a long time, and things felt good. We took a drive after and she kissed me and told me that I can touch her anywhere. But then after we got home, no thoughts of sex. I will admit that by the time our friend left and kids went to bed, it was late.

Few nights ago, she said that she wants to do things to me in bed as she knows what I have wanted (i.e her to make me feel satisfied as well). I said no pressure - because to be honest, I don't want to get my hopes up because other times she has said "I wont promise anything though".

As a bit of a background - she hasn't given me oral, or anything just because she wants to please me. Its always me doing everything - making her orgasm, going down on her, kissing, licking her and then when she is finished, she wants me in her so that I can finish.

Before we got married and had kids (we had only been together almost 3 years before we had our first kid - married for 10 months before he was born) - she gave me oral and did 69 maybe a couple of times because she wanted to.

She's always telling me that I am undiagnosed autistic. Her friends are saying that I am def autistic. Me - I just want to live life and be happy, in love and have a great sex life with the one that I chose to be with. I dont care about being undiagnosed autistic or anything relating to neurodivergence.

I spent most of yesterday in bed, sleeping or crying. I didn't want to have anything to do with her. We just bought a house, her and the kids want another dog - I am regretting everything that has happened (house) in the last 10 months almost. Nothing is going to change.

I question to myself why she pushed me for a vasectomy in 2019. I said no. She said we will have more sex. Hasn't happened. It almost feels like she talked to friends and they said their experiences with their partners/husbands with vasectomies and sex life.

She and the kids are now vegans (nothing wrong with that), and are volunteering with the animal rescue organisations (nothing wrong with that either). The other night on the way back from work, she called and said "hey, I didnt ask you about this, but I decided to do something on the way back"

I asked what it was, she was transporting a rescue dog from a house to the pet rescue place. Nothing wrong with that (I would have said no problem anyway), its just that I feel again that if it was the other way around, I would have asked first.

Oh and to add one more thing - She has also been angry with her brother who divorced from his ex wife because he couldnt have sex due to her medical condition. Wife said that her brother was so consumed by wanting sex and that its not all about sex.

I dont know.... I am just at the end of the marriage. I am more and more ready to accept that we are housemates raising kids.

I have had other relationships which were sexless as well - so maybe its my programming.

If I divorce, I look like a loser because people told me not to get married to my wife.

If I dont divorce, Im doing what I always have done - which is to try and make things work (I have done this with work, uni and other relationships).

Sometimes I just want to have someone on the side who is in the same predicament as me - who wants to feel appreciated, yearn to be touched, caressed and have sensual and passionate sex.

Im going to be 45, im not young anymore.....but I want to feel like a man again...... I want a woman to hold me, push me on to the bed and have her way with me.

** Just to add - I have started a couple of different things outside of work. Slowly but surely its started. I like to call these things my mission - hopefully that will get my mind off sex as well **