r/sexlessmarriage

Today I tried to instigate an intimate moment. It felt like the ideal time. The temperature, shall we say, was right.

But as I started kissing, caressing, fondling, she merely sat back and ignored me. A book in hand, her focus elsewhere. I kept trying in vain before finally slinking away.

Now I feel dejected. Ugly. Unwanted. Cast aside. The lack of acknowledgement is the hardest thing. Even a simple "Not tonight" would mean more than silence and inattentiveness.

This experience is being saved. It'll be used as an example at a later date to illustrate my desires to save this marriage - marriage in name only, since we're flatmates more than anything else.

Regardless, I just needed to rant. I need to share this with people who will understand.

Thank you.

I struggle with understanding this, so please explain it to me like I’m five: if you want sex with your partner because it’s intimate/connecting/the pinnacle of physical closeness/insert other fancy buzzwords here, then why is the solution to the lack of it to go get it from someone else? Doesn’t that negate everything you just claimed it was?

If it’s something you can pretty easily find anywhere or with anyone (ie opening the relationship, having an AP or FWB) then certainly it’s not special/connecting/intimate the way most HLs try make it seem. And, if it’s not something that’s special/unique between you and your partner, then why is it so important that you get/have it from them?

Genuinely trying to understand this circular logic from a LL perspective who doesn’t consider sex to be a “connecting” activity in the slightest.

Io e mia moglie stiamo insieme da 16 anni e siamo sposati da 4. Abbiamo una bambina. Quando ci siamo conosciuti era una persona molto passionale, una vera bomba sexy: il sesso con lei era intenso, coinvolgente e pieno di desiderio.

Col tempo, però, le cose sono cambiate. Soprattutto dopo che ha iniziato a lavorare in ufficio, con un ambiente stressante e colleghe difficili, la sua libido è praticamente crollata. Siamo arrivati a fare sesso una volta ogni tre mesi, anche se abbiamo solo 35 anni.

Quando si è licenziata per badare alla bambina, speravo che la situazione potesse migliorare, che tornasse un po’ di quella passione di un tempo. Invece è andata peggio. Adesso vuole fare sesso, ma mi usa come se fossi un sex toy: è tutto molto meccanico, freddo, senza coinvolgimento emotivo. Ci sono continui paletti: “non voglio fare questo”, “non mi toccare lì”, “non mi toccare qua”, niente dirty talking, niente preliminari veri.

Ultimamente mi ha messo talmente in soggezione che mentre stavamo facendo l’amore mi si è ammosciato. È stata una sensazione bruttissima.

Ne abbiamo parlato tante volte negli anni, ma lei non sembra davvero interessata a cambiare o a lavorare sul problema. Mi sento frustrato, triste e in difficoltà. Avevo bisogno di sfogarmi con qualcuno.

Take a drink every time…
You think, “Maybe tonight.”
Your spouse says they’re “too tired.”
You get a hug that feels like it came from HR.
You accidentally see a couple flirting in public and sigh.
You shave, shower, smell amazing… for absolutely no reason.
You get more physical affection from your dog than your spouse.
You convince yourself not to initiate because you already know the answer.
You hear, “We should really work on us,” and nothing changes.
Finish your drink if you actually have sex.
…Hydration has never been easier.

I am tired of being the only one in our relationship who puts in any effort when it comes to sex, and a large majority of my efforts go nowhere. I am 47 HLM, she LLF. She really has zero libido. We have been married 24 years and I feel more and more frustrated by the day. We have talked about and only ever helps very short term. Counseling doesn’t seem like an option either. Nobody to talk to about this and it feels like no way out. I hate being high libido, and feeling invisible. Sorry for the rant.

This morning I hit my goal weight! My wife of 38 years said "You look very fit, who is she"? I didn't hesitate I said it could be you. I got no response. This is after no sex on Father's day and 2.5 months since our last sexual encounter.

I want her but she doesn't want me.

Now, I’m not referring to sex on demand, or medical situations where one partner is unable to. Kids, if any, are grown up so it’s just the 2 of you.

But if one partner takes sole control of determining when there’s an opportunity for sex, and for non medical reasons doesn’t allow the opportunity to arise for weeks, months, years? Is there any point to the marriage at that point? Or are there still things you can get from the relationship that you simply can’t get elsewhere?

I caught my husband about 2 weeks ago trying to make nude ai pictures of his cousin. I kept it to myself but told one person in our family and it spread like wildfire.
The cousins husband snapped me asking me about it a few days later and then he told me that he found out that she was talking to other men but their names were under girl names.
We start talking about our issues over the next few days and one thing led to the next and we started to flirt, then send provocative videos pictures and messages.
We talked about our fantasies, favorite colors, all sorts of things. Mostly venting about how stressful our relationships can be sometimes. I mentioned several times how I’d only do anything if things ended. I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it married. Etc..
Fast forward to yesterday. My husband left for work very early so I invited the guy for breakfast before work because I had extras. I meant innocence by it but he grabbed me up and one thing led to another.
However, I really didn't want to have sex. I told him I was not comfortable and I didn't mean for things to go this far and he responded "I didn't waste my gas for morning".
I feel guilty for going that far but felt like i was “taken advantage of” in the moment.. im not sure because all of this is my fault at the same time.

It's odd. But I've become so accustomed to lack of sex (or sexual activity) and feel hopeless to change it, that pornography has replaced it. It's my comfort blanket that shields me from the problems. But one problem replaces the other. It's a drug to temporarily ease the pain yet it does nought to cure the symptoms.

Does anyone else agree?

Got into major argument this after explaining to her that I’m hurting and that when she showed me affection and actually touched me (first time in six months) and then the next day she asked me to work from home so we could have a nooner, which never happened. Then she promised again after dinner, which never happened, then again the next morning which… surprise, surprise never happened. Then the next morning I decided to do what I’ve learned the hard way not to bother. I asked if she’d be open to sex. She, without even pausing offered a handjob instead. I was crushed. With that I knew the previous two days were fake. She never meant any of it.

Whenever I bring this topic up, she automatically accuses me of only caring about sex. To which I try to tell her how important it is to me and that it’s how I feel loved. Without that I feel like her roommate, or her handyman. I fear there’s no hope and this is how the rest of our lives will be.

TLDR: been married 24 years. Have one grown kid who left home four years ago. Have always had mismatched libido, but I used to be ok with the frequency. She’s in perimenopause and has ZERO desire for about a year now.

Just feeling lonely and like I'm a burden to my partner when it comes to sex. Glad to see I'm not the only one who's feeling that way or dealing with it. Looking forward to learning how to handle it from this group. Any advice is much appreciated.

ntimacy issues in marriage

So I 32 and my wife 32 have been together since we were 16 and we've never had issues with sex overall, we were each others firsts for pretty much everything. She has always hated oral, just genuinely dislikes it and if she does it, it's more like a chore for her, she also doesn't like to participate during sex either, it's always got to be a position where she can just layback, either missionary, doggy, she hates being on top. I'm not complaining, the sex itself is still great and tbh she wants it more than I do she asks multiple times a week sometimes multiple times a day. I have no reference and neither does she so I could be horrible and I'm not super endowed or anything, about 7 inches long and the thickness of a toilet paper tube (yeah I checked 😂 ) my issue is I wish she would contribute more to sex and was more willing with Oral, when she does do it she just watches stuff on her phone the entire time, also I love giving oral aswell so that isn't an issue either. Looking for tips, always down to hear where I could make improvements open to any and all tips thank you!

The other day, I wrote a long post updating what was happening with my marriage.

Well, here is another update.

For those in Australia, we have what's called the NDIS. It is there to support families that have members with disability (helps provides things like supports, psychology, Occupational therapy (OT), physical therapy for disability etc) . Its very controversial at the moment, so I dont want anything to be political.

Anyway - back to the topic at hand. We had a meeting with the kids OT through telehealth. I logged in late because I was not sure about the time. My wife was already there on time (30 minutes earlier) and from what I saw, she had been crying. She was driving and talking to the OT.

Basically, she told the OT she was burnt out (working, kids and her own health issues). It made me feel really low - like I was not doing enough to take things off her plate. Keep in mind, this is my first thought - I need to do more.

After wife came back home, she logged off for a bit so I could talk to the OT about how I have been doing etc. So, I told her that I'm doing better with kids, I'm taking a different approach and its working etc.

Now here is where I started shaking my head (internally shaking my head).

Before my wife asked this question to the OT - she turned to me and said:

"I'm probably going to be making you uncomfortable with this next question"

And I knew what it was going to be.

She asked the OT:

"On the topic of sex, how many couples of neurodivergent families actually do have sex on a regular basis?"

The OT laughed at the question and said "uh, its not something that I normally talk to them about - but I would say that with everything going on in life, I doubt that sex is on the top of the list"

Now, I really do respect this OT - she's done wonders for our kids, and is a genuinely lovely soul.

But my heart sank as this has just affirmed to my wife that its normal.

My wife looked at me quickly and basically acknowledged what the OT said.

I feel that the more we keep hearing that couples don't have sex for whatever reason, that it is normal or ok to accept it.

This is not right.

My wife heard that women don't like swallowing or giving BJs - so she doesn't do it. In the 16 years of being together, she's only given me a BJ 5 or 6 times for no reason at all or as part of foreplay.

She heard that men always think about women's bodies as sexual objects - so she brings that up when I previously talked about my need for sexual intimacy.

She heard that during perimenopause and menopause, women lose all interest for sex - so she has already preprogrammed that this is it.

She heard from someone (im sure of this), that its easier for men to get a vasectomy (which is true), and that makes sex life better. At a wedding, she spoke to one of her friends, who said that her husband got a vasectomy and its made life so much easier to have sex. And I remember it well, because wife turned to me and said "see, it is easy, takes 1 hour, and a quick recovery - this is why I want you to do it"

My point after all this - I have no hope of salvaging my sex life within this marriage. There are too many factors playing against what should be a natural thing for a couple. Too many people saying this is normal and what not.

I have mentioned it before that my wife doesnt want me to watch porn, and she doesnt want to open the marriage either.

As per the other post - I have tried hard for her and the kids to be a better man. And I am a better man now....

But I am also a done man.....

I went from desperately wanting sex, to getting pitiful duty sex, to not wanting sex with my wife.

Now I dread the thought of sex with her. Sadly this has become the new thing to feel resentment over. I want sex but I don’t want it with her, and honestly I feel resentful that I don’t feel like it would be fulfilling to have it with anyone.

Has anyone been through this resentment cycle? What is the end game?

Sorry for the vent. I haven’t even shared this with my friends. I feel so alone.

I’m 35F and I’ve been married for about 4.5 years and have been with my husband for 8 years. We‘ve had sex 5 times. That’s it. Also, this was all before marriage. I was a little concerned then because I have an extremely high drive. I immediately brought it up then and he would just say he was tired etc which made sense because he had a hard manual labor job. When we met, I wasn’t looking for anything serious but he turned into my best friend and we fell in love. I had a rough upbringing and have ALWAYS had commitment issues and would keep everyone at arms length. He’s the first and only person I let in. We’ve always had great communication, we never fight and can talk about anything…except sex.

I was able to have him have blood work done to check levels etc and everything is fine. He did therapy for an unrelated thing for a bit and he was diagnosed with depression/anxiety etc. I‘ve tried to talk to him about this so many times and he just gets mad or once attempted to have pity sex. When I say pity sex - he did a sloppy kiss on the lips, barely touches my back with the loosest grip and just sat there. I couldn’t do it. It felt wrong and like I was pushing myself on him. That was the last time he let me see him naked too…5 years ago.

I go to therapy regularly and talk about it with my therapist. He won’t do couples therapy or talk about sex. I was able to deal with it slightly by getting hobbies and running etc. But we also both work from home - so he is always around and I can’t even get some “me time”. He randomly pops up throughout the day to see what I’m up to or where I am. (I run my own seamstress business so sometimes Im not in my usual work room).

Ive also recently started realizing that I don’t know if I could have sex with him again. He’s rejected me so many times and the pity attempt is burned in my head. I don’t know if I’m physically attracted to him anymore. It keeps growing lately. I don’t know what to do. I think it’s because of 0 intimacy and that it was before we were married was the last time he’s complimented my clothes or hair or just me in general. We also only kiss at bed time and in the morning when getting coffee. Usually on the lips but it’s also awkwardly mechanical.

He really feels like a family member and not a husband/bf/lover. I don’t know what’s happening. I love him so much and genuinely can’t imagine not spending my life with him - but I’m about to burst. When we got married, having an active sex life with my husband was a must on my end.

We also have everything tied together - house, car, etc. This is my family’s property that has been passed down for 4 generations - so I can’t conceive of leaving. We also have a lot of animals. I know this sounds silly but they are our world. I take care of the medical and grooming side (they all have some type of medical issue/we give the FURever home) and he does cleaning etc. side. But they are like our kids. I cant imagine a divorce. But I refuse to spend the rest of my life sexless. I’m too young and I’m losing my best years. I feel so depressed and like I must be the most repulsive person to turn my husband off that much that he won’t even look at me naked or let me see him naked.

side note - I’m short, maintained my weight at 115 lbs, athletic build, shower daily, shave daily (I literally hate feeling hair on me) etc. and do my best to look good every day.

Basically - fellow ladies - how do you find a friend group that understands? I want like a girl group that's in this horrible sexless marriage club and can actually relate. I'm in the US fyi

I'm realizing now that this is affecting more than just my self esteem and starting to make me distance myself from my long time friends. It genuinely frustrates me hearing about their husbands that look at them, hold their hand, have sex with them and basically just notice them as more than a roommate/friend without benefits. Then on the flip side, I seriously can't talk to them about this. They just don't get it. I'll get the "oh yeah, we haven't since last Saturday because it's been so busy, but we fooled around the other day. I totally feel you." Like, no, no you don't. It's been 6-7 years for me. I could strut through the house in lingerie and not get a second glance or a comment. He'd probably actively avoid me.

I also recently moved a few states away - so my friend group is about a 4.5 hour drive. Frankly, my husband hasn't taken me on a date in years - so I make the trip monthly to see my friends and go out. I also sadly get such a feeling of some sort of human connection when I am with them that I don't get at home. We've been friends for at least 20 years but they just cannot relate and talking about opening marriage, divorce, cheating would be super frowned on - which I totally agreed with until the sex and touch ended years ago.

Plus, girls night is the only thing keeping me from crying all the time. Has anyone had success in finding other friends locally that are in the same boat? Like I almost have no interest in making new friends that just want to share their picture perfect husbands and won't listen to me asking about opening marriages, cheating, divorce, etc. plus all the feelings of rejection, anger, loneliness, confusion, depression and of course all the other things.

I never thought this would be a thing I'd be dealing with at 35. I do love my husband and don't want to divorce. I've made other posts, so I don't want to fill this with all that.

My wife and my sex life has dwindled to about once every 3 months. She has a lot of sexual trauma from when she was young, and has told me that she had sex in previous relationship only because she thought she had to keep the relationship going. She said she doesn’t feel that way with me and knows there is no pressure to have sex to keep me from leaving. She has said many times before that I can have sex outside our marriage because she knows I have a high sex drive and fetishes that she wouldn’t like even if she loved having sex. I always thought she was joking, but recently we had a lot of talks about our sex life and she told me that she is serious about me having sex outside our marriage because she doesn’t want me to have to go without enjoying sex and that she knows we are strong enough that I would never leave. We are going to counseling next week to work on our sex life and try to figure out what it looks like for us, I have told her that I would rather work on us than have sex elsewhere even if it means not doing it as much as I like. I’m just wondering if anyone else has had any kind of experiences like this?

When we started dating, it was as you expect. When we moved in together, our mirrored closet doors were fun to use. I am much more the adventurous type, long time user of our California nude beaches where the people are just more friendly. She would go and sometimes go topless, but not that much. Indoors however, it was great.

We had a child and that's when things started to change. Over a period of time it became more about her. Her touching me became less and less. Her initiating became less and less. It got to the point where it was all about her and all she wanted to straight intercourse. I have always been a fan of foreplay, mostly for my partner. It's a big turn on for me to make a woman orgasm by going down her, fingering her. Whatever it takes. I have not problem. But in our case, she didn't want any of that. She would only want to to use my fingers on her clit, and then straight fuck her. There was no fun anymore.

Once our daughter moved out, she started sleeping inner daughters room. And that's when it all came to a stop.

Most of her resistance is simply physical. She'll push a hand away. She has a variety of claims why she doesn't want sex. I see her as only "meat". I'm not nice to her. I resist the claims because I will tell her how great she looks. And at times she will question why I am being so nice to her, where in my opinion, nothing has changed.

I cleaned her sheets and found her toy under the covers. But that was only then time. It hasn't been there since.

So now is the part where you are going to stop believing my story. This has been going on for 25 years.

It's true. And I have been a good boy the whole time. I masturbate every day, sometimes twice. Everything once works just fine. If my body could, I'd masturbate even more since my mind is always in full gear.

She has decided, for both of us, to be celibate. I didn't have a say. Divorce at this point is complicated for reasons I won't go into here. But if that was a worthy option, I would have done it long ago. I have tried to be loyal hoping things would change. That's how it got this long. I get a kiss and a hug at bedtime. It's like dating in high school again. You are only going to get so much.

But now my attitude about loyalty is different.

I’ve been dating a person for over 10years now and now engaged.
She had to have endometriosis surgery nearly 5years ago now and she has struggled since before that with pain when having sexual intercourse.

She’s been seeing pain specialties and pelvic physios so she’s actively trying to get better
And I’ve been supporting her all the way through.

Over the last 4 years I think we have tried maybe 1-2times only going for max 2min before to much pain.
We are intimate in other ways.
I love her presence but find it extremely frustrating that we can’t enjoy intercourse together.
This gives me the feeling that’ll we will never be able to have intercourse it makes me somewhat doubt our relationship from that perspective.