u/Forsaken_Thought

The Mercy Sex Study

The Mercy Sex Study

> Women diagnosed with a complete lack of sexual desire were still logging multiple sexual events before receiving any medication. Guptan and Simon sought to quantify this baseline activity, which they termed mercy sex. [...] the baseline frequency of sexual events remained highly consistent. Across the different trial groups, the women reported an average of 2.5 to 2.9 sexually satisfying events per 28 days. This rate showed very little variation regardless of whether the women were naturally menopausal, surgically menopausal, or taking hormone therapies.

> Guptan and Simon suggest a biopsychosocial framework to explain why women with low desire consistently engage in sexual activity. From an evolutionary perspective, women may participate in sex to maintain stability and prevent their partners from seeking intimacy elsewhere.

> The authors hypothesize that women may have learned to keep their male partners monogamous by fulfilling their faster-paced reproductive desires.

> One qualitative study cited by the authors featured a patient who reported forcing herself to have sex to prevent her husband from satisfying his needs with someone else.

> The authors suggest that women might also use sex as a tool to fulfill a psychological need for emotional closeness

> The authors reference Rosemary Basson’s circular model of sexual response, a psychological framework suggesting that female sexual arousal is highly nuanced and often driven by a need for emotional connection rather than spontaneous physical hunger.

> Because men are socially conditioned to associate physical sex with emotional closeness, women may engage in sex simply to maintain that emotional bond.

> The analyzed data relies on samples limited to heterosexual women in monogamous relationships. The proposed explanations regarding partner dynamics and evolutionary pressures do not reflect the experiences of women in non-heterosexual relationships or those without regular partners.

https://www.psypost.org/clinical-trials-reveal-the-hidden-frequency-of-obligatory-sex-in-women-with-low/

Guptan, N., & Simon, J. A. (2026). Quantification of “Mercy Sex” in Heterosexual Women. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 52(5), 474–484. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2026.2651862

You’ve got researchers looking at hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) women who are having sex two or three times a month and calling that the baseline for no desire...while suggesting that HSDD women are having sex to keep their partners monogamous.

u/Forsaken_Thought — 1 day ago

What is the date for?

What do you really want out of the date?

I'm not asking for, initiating, or even mentioning sex. In fact, I have zero expectations of sex. Historically, our dates and vacations aren't especially romantic.

What is the date for?

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u/Forsaken_Thought — 4 days ago

Missed/Declined low effort/pseudo Advance

DW was off for summer and blocked the exit with a hug then let out an exasperated short sigh when I didn't linger in the hug. I went to my part time job, then no mention of this physical contact and no follow up. Really, this was the most affection I've gotten this year and probably the most emotion she showed regarding not being affectionate.

HLs explain that their partners feign affection when it's inconvenient or unrealistic. That's what this feels like....as though it's just enough (minimal) effort to say they tried.

In nine years of DB, we ignored the first year, then analyzed, debated, and dissected it years 2-7, and finally in years 8 & 9 I've dropped the subject. She continues to say in MC that she wants to/will be more proactive (but she's not).

I no longer have a count or recollection of frequency after our MC discouraged keeping any tally. Once a year or once in two years or twice in a year three years ago, none of that matters because we shouldn't set a goal we won't achieve only to put unnecessary pressure on ourselves.... Also keeping tallies in the past isn't living in the present.

However, after hearing a myriad of reasons for our DB, the same therapist once asked, "If y'all were alone on an island with no work, no stress, and no responsibilities, would y'all want to be sexual?" Seems simple enough but apparently the answer is no. DW says in MC that beaches and vacations are accelerators* but we bring our DB on all our vacations. While it isn't permissible for me to keep a sex tally, I can easily tell y'all that we've had more vacations than sex.

I can't say I've arrived at radical acceptance however I'm not optimistic anything will change. Perhaps that's the biggest difference between now and the first years: I was hopeful and willing to talk about missing intimacy, closeness, and the butterfly feelings that accompany being with my partner. The longer we analyzed, debated, and dissected it, the less hopeful and more exhausted I became. Then it began to feel like having to justify why I want to be sexual with my wife.

I chuckle when I hear others make recommendations because DB started when I was fittest, thin, working, spent time on hobbies, shared the emotional workload... I've since went back to grad school, got a graduate degree with additional certification, started a different part-time job, and new hobbies. Yes, I do my chores and share the emotional workload. At first, I read many recommended books (solo), too. Our sex therapist recommended books that DW's yet to read (since 2019) so I laugh when folks recommend a partner do so. If they wanted to, they would do so and I doubt HL encouraging them to do so actually helps anything.

At the end of the day, folks who want to have sex generally have sex. I'm not pursuing, initiating, or bringing up sex. However our sex life must be fucking awesome because I haven't heard any complaints.

  • graduated from/was initially dinners & dates
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u/Forsaken_Thought — 15 days ago