Losses and questionings
Ive recently gave a try with an Irl partner to explore BDSM. Before that I had some exploration with an online partner, but I really wanted to "actually" get into this world. Im a really shy and anxious girl and safety is primordial to me, especially in such a setting. That being said, I met someone with whom I discussed what our intentions, expectations, boundaries are and we met a few time through our weeks of texting and such. To be honest, amazing experience and I loved it, I also was sooo proud of me to have been able to get myself in this situation, to just meet him for the first time in a public place to being intimate and vulnerable. I felt a lot of pride in this new hability. (that still takes lots of energy and effort may I had)
Unfortunatly he realised that he wanted a real romantic relationship and kids, which I absolutely respected and encouraged him to pursue what he wanted and would fulfill. That being said, I cant help but feel sad and a little angry, at myself, that I let myself get all excited and invested over..nothing. Hard to explain, but a loss is a loss. As much as I crave to find a new partner (that would hopefully stay in this more then 2 weeks...) I fear to experience something similar, or worst ahah. Which I figured, I shall take a break from this quest and figure some shit out. But in the meantime, I stay a woman with huge interest in BDSM and a stronggg libido. So I thought, I could probably make my exploration work on my own. Build sessions for myself. But its there that I block, I am an undenyable submissive and I thrive in submitting to someone, serve, please, be devoted. That brings me intense pleasure in itself. I guess what Im looking for is maybe some guidance, tips, ideas. Could I possibly build scenes for solo play that fulfill at least a little of my submissivness ?
I can manage incorporating my kinks, thats easier.