u/ImpressiveLettuce425

this is more of a rant than anything and i’m sorry for the back to back posts but i just need to scream into the void. i’m already back to the point where im masturbating for several hours a day and constantly sexualizing everything in my mind again. i’ve gone back to porn and i can’t help but think back to when i just let this control me. i feel like i was objectively happier even if i was a worse person. i got more of what i wanted and i enjoyed every second of it. but i consumed me. it was all i was. i drifted from my friends and family, from my interests outside of sex, from everything. but i didn’t care because it felt so good. it got to the point where i was scheduling hookups with people back to back. i hate how much i miss it. and i hate how much i feel like a shell of a person when i let it fester.

let me preface this by saying i’m well aware this is morally bad. trust me i already feel terrible about it. and it’s the primary reason ive stayed single for the past year. however nonetheless my inability to say no to any form of physical advance or just general flirting of any kind has led me to have cheated on nearly every one of my partners. the worst part is that in the moment the fact that im cheating and often the other person is too makes it even harder to stop. i feel so terrible the during and after but my body loves it. i feel like im fighting for control 24/7 and being single helps massively but i would also love to eventually end up in a monogamous relationship.

edit: for those telling me to try polyamory i appreciate the suggestion but it’s just not something i think fits me. hence specifying that i would like to eventually end up in a monogamous relationship.