u/Infinite_EE_

My wife (27F) and I (30M) have been together for almost three years and recently got married. Exploring a hotwife/stag-vixen dynamic started as my fantasy, not hers.

When I first brought it up, she genuinely couldn't understand it. She always told me that once she's in a committed relationship, she simply doesn't notice other men. She'd only ever imagined being with me, so the idea of wanting someone else didn't really make sense to her.

Instead of rushing anything, we've spent the past year talking. Honestly, discussing boundaries, jealousy, communication, and fantasies has become one of my favorite parts of this journey.

As we've had more of these conversations, something interesting has happened.

She's slowly started opening up about desires she hadn't really acknowledged before. Recently she admitted that when she was younger she definitely had a physical "type"—think someone with a Damiano David kind of vibe. She realized she never dated men like that because she was always looking for someone she'd want to build a life with, so she'd choose compatibility over raw attraction.

Now she's starting to separate those two ideas.

She still isn't someone who's looking at every guy she passes, but she's beginning to acknowledge that she does find certain men attractive and that, if we ever explore this lifestyle, she doesn't want to compromise on what she actually desires. She's not interested in choosing someone just because they're available. She'd rather wait for someone who genuinely fits both her physical type and the qualities that make her feel comfortable, respected, and emotionally safe.

A few weeks ago she went on her first Bumble date.

Watching her get ready was honestly one of the most exciting parts for me. It made everything feel real, and I loved how much we trusted each other throughout the process. Before she left, we even talked about different possibilities. She asked me, "What if he invites me back to his hotel?" I surprised her by saying that I didn't want her making decisions based on what I wanted. If she wanted to leave, great. If she genuinely wanted to go with him, I'd support that too. I wanted it to be her choice.

The date started with frozen yogurt and then they went for a walk.

Unfortunately, it just wasn't a good match. She said he was pretty boring and she felt like she had to carry most of the conversation. At some point he started getting physically affectionate by holding her hand and putting his arm around her. Maybe he simply misread the situation, but she didn't feel enough connection for that to feel natural.

When she got home she was a bit upset, maybe even traumatized as she wasn't expecting him to be so forward. And said it was probably the worst first date she'd ever had. Ironically, even when she was single she'd never had a date go that badly, so I think we just got unlucky.

Oddly enough, neither of us considered it a failure.

It confirmed that she really does need genuine attraction, conversation, intelligence, patience, and emotional safety before she'd ever want something physical.

She's also told me that if she ever does have a first experience with another man, she thinks she'd initially feel like she was cheating—even though she'd have my full support. Because of that, she thinks she'd probably want me there the first time so I can reassure her that everything is okay. We're open to different possibilities, but we're in no rush.

I'd really love to hear from wives who started where my wife is now.

• Did you also think you simply weren't attracted to other men?
• Did you slowly discover that you had a "type" or desires you'd never really acknowledged?
• What helped you go from being hesitant to genuinely curious?
• Did you struggle with feeling like you were cheating?
• Did having your husband present the first time help you relax?

I'm especially interested in hearing from women whose interest developed gradually rather than those who were already excited about the lifestyle from the beginning.