u/Living_Mouse5950

Just a vent sry u dont have to read

Just wish I could stop them altogether as im not dependent but they always mess everything up. Miss appointments, cant see my family, have to lie saying im sick so people wont see im barred, skip my meditation, eat like shit..

They make me not care in the moment though and for me as a very sensitive person with me/cfs its amazing. Used to do alot of drugs like H and speed mostly and im happy im off those for good and not using anything daily anymore.

Have an apartments and my life is pretty good except fatigue and just alot of shame that I cant work.

Just wish I wasnt so obsessed with the benzos as they take me off track I lose my good habits and feel so ashamed after. Like, I get help with apartment and money for food from social services(european) bc im too fatigued to work.

I just feel so ashamed I cant do my part at least and stay completely sober so tired of all lying. I actually think without the benzos I might have found natural peace with my meditation(practice nonduality when im clean)

but after a couple weeks off I just start believing "eh im messed up anyways and benzos will at least make me not care a while" but that while is always to short and it doesnt make my life better at all..

Or I think i can have some just today and tomorrow will be same but I completely lose myself not that i binge that long but I lose track of everything thats good for me.

I dint even get high really just love not caring I guess and goofing around not feeling shame..

Soo I usually just get enough for a small binge but this time I got like 12mg left Xanax..

Did my usual 4 days around about 4mg a day give or take a bit day to day. Usually just get a bit lighter sleep a few nights and some rebound or just shame I dont know..

Would waiting 48h(22 now) since the last dose and take for a single day be as bad as 5 day straight?

Also does tapering help for these mini binges or just make it worse? Like taking 1mg for one more day vs just quitting as I usually do?

I know this isnt dangerous territory but my life is miserable as it is with CFS and anxieties at baseline and i want to get relief/be numb again without making things worse.

Ive been doing these kind of binges for years and I know im an addict, I just want to know how to take more with the least unpleasant feelings after..

I always think ill go do things I normally wouldnt bc of social anxiety etc but nope..

Always end up binging both the benzos and weed and shameful amounts of food lol. Can't stand the food cravings.

Then I love watching netflix etc and doze on and off like a whole season while taking snack breaks in the wake up times XD

Always eat healthy keto for my health when not using but on benzo days its borderline impossible lol...

Had two binge eating benzo days and thought id fast today but already second guessing after the xan hit lol..

What do you do barred out? I think my chronic fatigue is why I cant do much fun on them but ppl without fatigue how do you spend your benzo use days?

I usually do 4. And sleep a bit lighter after sometimes some pain but ok.

Pattern last few weeks. 18 off, 4 on, 19 off, 4 on, 2 off, 1 on, 7 off, 3 on(now) was going to stop here but if 3 and 4 is basically same why not one more day.

I have CFS cant work etc so these help me be less bored and sleep more.

I have abused these on and off for years without getting hooked psysically fr so I know that wont happen but just how can I minimize extra discomfort?

Is waiting 24h then 1 day more better or do another today?

Used to do once or twice with 1 week between is that better or worse?

Doses are usually 4mg a day

Id like to safe my last 2mg for tomorrow and wonder if alcohol makes for a better or equal buzz?

Also according to AI alcohol makes xanax last much longer which would be cool.

I know tge risks but I know my body and limits. Not zero tolerance but not daily user either