Traumatic(?) memories of solo chemsex
Hey! Around 2 years ago I was pretty deep into cathinones and GHB use, and masturbating on them solo. That period lasted for around half a year, of sporadic chem-fun every couple days or so. I've been mostly boofing it, since it felt crazy good, considering that I could just plug myself up with a long-ass dildo and so speed up the absorption.
I've been into extremes of my fetishes, since cathinones fully disabled my mental barriers and anxieties around this topic. Though afterwards I was back deeper and deeper into apathy and anxiety.
And I've been recording these sessions as well.
And since I've stopped, whenever I'd be reminded of that period — I'd be going into a sort of fight or flight response, but it presents itself rather like a mixture of fear and..
anticipation I guess? I've been deleting and afterwards recovering these vids of mine again and again, and while I do feel fearful even thinking of getting hooked on it again — the memories of how ecstatic and disinhibited I felt clash with that fear...
And so I'm just feeling conflicted, maybe someone could share their similar experiences? Or their way of thinking about the topic of chemsex? Anything that you'd deem helpful would be appreciated haha