Read If You Want
Hey, I know you dont know me, but I just feel like I want to talk to someone.
Anyways, long story long: I have had 6 open heart surgeries and now have something call Protein Loosing Enteropathy or PLE. This is a leaking of the lymphatic system and cases swelling. Along with damaging your organs like kidneys and liver, at least in my case. This is all caused by high filling pressures in my heart.
All that to say, day to day life tends to be pretty hard. I generally feel very lethargic, throw up, have stomach issues, heart palpitations, and numerous other ailments throughout my day.
I used to not be nearly this sick and could live my life without worry. Im not sure why recently it has been so bad.
I am 23, going to be 24 in June and Im just genuinely not sure how much more of this I can take. I have always been known to be someone who doesn't give up easily, but I just think how it would be nice to not feel so sick all the time.
In a lot of ways my life isn't so bad. I did mange to graduate college recently. I have a absolutely amazing, beautiful and kind girlfriend. I live with my parents in a nice house, nice neighborhood, sports car in the garage.
Its funny how I could have so much be still need so much. How, to someone looking in, they may be jealous. When your basic health is dwindling, all other aspects of your life seem to fade away.
Another aspect to this is not only my physical health, but my mental health. Similarly to my physical health, this to seems to be dwindling. I think to myself "Maybe this will be it." Or I tell my heart to "Finally rest" and to stop. I specifically think that I will die after I have a good day. As if it won't get any better than the day I just had.
I think dying will just be like nothing. I think of it as the time when you weren't born. Its not black, its not fuzzy or weird, its simply nothing. This thought is comforting. Nothingness sounds nice and I have always been someone to appreciate the silence. To be still. To rest.
I figured Id end on this poem I wrote. It is called:
"Soon Enough"
You are young, the Man said,
Do not worry, the Man said,
Just try your best, the Man said,
"Are you afraid?" The Man asked,
"Undoubtedly", I replied.
The Man said, "Do not be, for once you were not here and in the same way you will be again."
Finally, the Man said, "Soon enough you will forget to be afraid."