I lost my sub’s trust.
My (23F) sub and boyfriend (24M) have been in a relationship for four months, messing around and being sexual for six. In the beginning, we were much more adventurous with our sex life, exploring a lot more on the BDSM side of things. Recently, life has gotten the better of both of us and we haven’t done anything like that much recently. Until tonight.
We have Tuesday date nights, and I wanted to use a curry comb on him again. We were building pretty much all day, but slightly into the foreplay, I got in my own head and had difficulty taking the lead on things. We’ve discussed wanting to add more into our sexual aspects again for a while so i thought tonight would be the perfect night.
When I was about 5 seconds away from the first hit, he absolutely freaked out and had a full blown panic attack. Like, sobbing into the pillow, entire body shaking panic attack. Everything ended right there. He calmed down and we talked it out. He mentioned how recently I’ve been lacking with aftercare even in our vanilla sexual times and it’s been making him feel like i’m losing interest. This lead him to not trust me to do this. He had trusted me before and told me he associated aftercare with me because he never got it with anyone else. And the loss of aftercare, even when I didn’t think it was needed as intensely, had truly put a damper on things.
I feel fucking awful. I never meant to do that, and he understands. I just feel so terrible knowing i’ve lost his trust and made him feel like this. We’ve both been under such stress for the past month, so I didn’t even realize I was dropping the ball until this happened today. Still, I feel horrific that I’ve caused him not to trust me. My heart aches so hard.