r/domspace

My entire life, I have felt naturally drawn to a be a dominant, primarily in reference towards BDSM but also just generally in a relationship. However, I always felt like a bad person because I had these fantasies of inflicting pain, punishment, and control on a willing partner. It caused me a great deal of chagrin and I think it unconsciously caused myself to push away from romantic connection. I have been trying to be more accepting of my kinks, have been educating myself on safe and responsible practices, and even have started to get more active in the community. However, I still think I am struggling to accept this part of me because I do not understand why it is a part of me. I have truly tried to answer this question, and while here are certainly elements inherent to D/s dynamics that greatly appeal to me, it still doesn’t explain this natural urge, this “calling” to be a dominant. I am curious to learn if anyone else has grappled with this, and if so, how did you get over the hump?

I feel really, really uncomfortable with the concept of reciprocation when it comes to physical intimacy.

I'm a top and a dom, but I strongly prefer to focus on the physical pleasure of my partner . . . but it's because of the mental pleasure it gives me. Most of the time, I couldn't care less whether I get off or not. There are other things I'm concerned about. I struggle with partners who say things like "It's your turn now" or otherwise implying that what we are doing is one-sided. It's caused some partners to think of me as less of a top.

Even in non-sexual intimacy, I like to take care of my partners the same way I would in aftercare: setting up a nice area for them to rest, fanning them, finger combing their hair, kissing their forehead. But some of my partners see it as one-sided as well. I've shared things I would enjoy, but I hate it when they phrase it as being "in return."

I don't want someone to do something with me because they think I've done something "for them." To quote the great philosopher Billie Eilish: "Don't say please or thank you / I do what I want when I'm wanting to." I love what I'm doing. That's why I do it. And I really don't want my partner doing something with me unless it is something that actually turns them on, that they've fantasized about before, or that they will fantasize about after.

I've shared this with my partners, and some of them love it, but some of them feel like something is missing. I think there's just a miscommunication here that I could use some help with, rather than it being an issue greater than that. New to the experience and could use some helpful advice, and I appreciate any and all words.

What do you do when your sub cums and you told them not to/not without asking/etc…?

Obviously any punishments need to be agreed upon in for the D/s relationship and therefore are very specific to each relationship.

Even so, what is your approach to this? What “level” of punishment do you dole out? Do you go for immediate punishment, or do you have it come to them later?

I've noticed that masculine subs think that Dommes are not into them or want them. Somehow there's this idea that Dommes like femboys/feminine subs mostly and not really masculine subs. I can't speak for all Dommes because of course, every Domme has her preferences, l just wanna say in my opinion that I like masculine subs and I know many other Dommes too. If you are a man who likes to work out, watch sports, do guy things, etc etc (you know, be dominant in the real world and have a "man life"), it doesn't erase that you can be submissive too.
Just because you enjoy to do "masculine things" in real life, we have no problem with that, we are okay with it. You don't have to be feminine, we want you to be yourself. We want you to feel comfortable around us. It's okay to be masculine and submissive at that the same time. You can be both.

Sure I love being aggressive, rough and menacing but that doesn't mean dominance ends there. Traditionally these are the values people associated with dominance, masculine dominance.

But as a woman who loves her femininity I think it's unfair to only see those things as dominance and not other things. I can be physically gentle but emotionally wreck someone but I'm still not seen as a powerful domme? Or I mean a good one. I think that's unfair.

AMENDED

I'm a baby domme so would appreciate any advice. A sub's (not my partner) primary kink is being nude. He's not an exhibitionist but rather, he enjoys the liberation & freedom of being without clothes. He's in a high stress job & a former Muslim so wants to get away from form of rigidity.

He suggested going to a s*x social club. He likes CFNM so I will be clothed. What activities should I do with him? We talked about it briefly as he's only had 1 other domme before but it seemed like rather light BDSM (eg golden showers etc). He definitely doesn't want any marks but said wanted to try paddling. I suggested going shopping for toys together - this way I can get a better feel of what he's looking for. I am thinking more lighter stuff - collaring, feather tickling, chastity.

For the doms here, what kind of aftercare do you need after a session? How are you communicating that with your submissive?

When do you ask for it? Immediately after a session or only after giving your sub aftercare?

So lately i came up with idea of using hot foods as punishments for my sub since she dont like them. But i am wondering how to do it so she will be in no harm. I can handle hot stuff but even on me some things give me later stomach pain and ass pains. I dont want her to have problems with her intesties, just some pain on start. Some burning when pooping i think might be acceptable.

Soo... I am thinking about just using hot sauces and not like whole meals? In small doses it should be okay? I personally love hot soups and think she could like taste off them but yea those would probably cause some issues.

Any ideas how to do it safely? Idk, make her drink milk BEFORE?

First my previous post...update below...

My wife of 9 years expressed in a moment of anger that she was angry I wasn't dominant in bed. I will typically have her say things to me like that I'm a good boi or to lick her feet in bed, which I assumed she didn't get much out of being vanilla but she did anyway.

Well now that I know she's a sub, I've decided to activate my dormant dom side. I've been whispering stuff in her ear like telling her she's doing a good job. Today I finally went next level. I had her beg for my fingers to suck before she came, thank me for letting her cum a second time, and I had her call me daddy.

She looked really happy. I'm glad I can please her.

Update: So today we fucked. I took the advice of a commenter who told me to tell her to ask before cumming.

Today my wife spoke spontaneously for the first time during sex ever. She said: oh God Daddy please let me cum. I want to cum daddy.

I told her it was ok and she could cum on Daddy's dick as hard as she wanted.

She screamed and sucked my fingers while she convulsed like crazy. Later, she thanked me (at my prompting)

After sex she was singing the old beatles song "I want to hold your hand" in the bathroom, obviously walking on a cloud

She's currently sleeping with her leg on me all possessive which she never does. Thanks for all the help, all

Hey guys. I (18F) and my sub (18M) are moving into our first apartment and have extremely rough sex, so much so my vintage bed frame makes more noises than a bed ever should. We’re looking for a very simple frame, but I’m terrified it will break (link below). Another possibility is Jerry-rigging it with my woodworking skills, but I wanted to come here for recommendations.

She was having a bad day, and I wanted to cheer her up and do something cute and simple (we haven't got to the point of collaring yet) but I asked for her permission to put her pet name on my vehicle, as a bold statement of ownership. She freaked out when I asked permission told me that it wasn't my place to ask and she effectively broke things off with me. Now I'm lost, how do I go about not making this mistake with someone in the future?

This is gonna be a long one, because I really just need a space to talk about how I am feeling to other doms.

TLDR: The more comfortable I get with my girlfriend/sub the less I feel like a dom.

• My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year now and I couldn't love her more. When we first started dating I had never been with anyone in a dynamic before, but she talked about dynamic frequently and excitedly, and her past relationship was a 24/7 M/S dyanmics. I tried my best to do research on what it meant to be a dom and adhere to what I thought she would want. I changed a lot in the early months we were dating and tried to become this idea of what I thought a dom was... someone who was mysterious and strong and in control of every situation. Someone who didn't show feelings and who made all the decisions. I tried to be something that I wasn't for a long time and it hurt me a lot because I could never live up to the expectations I set for myself. I always felt like I was a disappointment and it drained me.
• My girlfriend tried to reassure me that learning our own dynamic takes time and I don't have to be this specific archetype, I just need to be myself. I tried to take that into account but I just couldn't break it from my brain that I needed to be something different.
• Eventually after several months of struggle I broke down and felt like I couldn't keep going with our dynamic and my gf said that was completely okay so we took a break for a little bit.
• I eventually started finding what it meant to be a dom in my own way just by taking it slow and doing outside learning, and clearly I am still trying to learn this.
• In reality I am not this big strong mysterious presence. Im what most would say is a soft dom. I like cuddles, I like being emotional, I like being a "baby" and not having to decide every little thing. It stressed me out endlessly to create tasks for her and following through with punishments for when those tasks weren't obeyed. I like being able to be safe and relax and be myself, but it makes me feel like I am not a dom. Maybe that is the case but I have spent so long trying to be this thing that it feels so wrong to not keep trying.
• As time has progressed my girlfriend has adjusted and learned what a healthy relationship looks like and in her own words she "doesn't know what she wants out of being a sub. She just wants me and wants me to be myself. That I am the definition of a dom by being myself because I take care of her, allow her to be herself, and love her unconditionally and thats all she wants." She has also told me that she has recently noticed that when she goes home to her parents she has to make all these decisions and is constantly on her toes but when she is with me she gets to switch her brain off because she knows I will handle it. Which really shocked me because sometimes I can't always make all the decisions and I worry that when I put decision on her that I am being a bad dom, but she literally said she gets to switch her brain off when shes with me which was a nice complement.
• It makes me so incredibly proud of her, myself, and us that we are both in safe spaces to be ourselves. I do not take those accomplishments lightly. That being said she still is my sub and I am still her dom. I take responsibility of her and ownership of her. She has a day collar specially made for her with my birthstone in it. I like being her dom I just don't feel like a dom anymore.
• We both don't know what we want out of a dynamic, but we know we want one in some capacity. We both lead incredibly busy lives so its had to stay consistent with a dynamic which further burnt me out because I felt like I was putting in so much effort and was receiving nothing in return. So it is hard to give our dynamic time and space to develop when we barely have time anyway.

My hail mary here is how do I be myself when it seems so contradictory to being a dom? How do I find my dominant identity?

I've been exploring much more about brats and just myself in general. With brats, I feel like I know exactly the different reasons they "act out". It could be playfully showing off their cleverness when they discover a loophole, it could be a small cry for help, etc. Each one manifests slightly differently.

I've found that I embody that exact energy, but from a dom space. And that is confusing to me because I don't know how that dynamic would even work.

Thought to ask you handsome and gorgeous folks here that have more experience with these sorts of things.

What more can I learn about Brat Doms?

My wife of 9 years expressed in a moment of anger that she was angry I wasn't dominant in bed. I will typically have her say things to me like that I'm a good boi or to lick her feet in bed, which I assumed she didn't get much out of being vanilla but she did anyway.

Well now that I know she's a sub, I've decided to activate my dormant dom side. I've been whispering stuff in her ear like telling her she's doing a good job. Today I finally went next level. I had her beg for my fingers to suck before she came, thank me for letting her cum a second time, and I had her call me daddy.

She looked really happy. I'm glad I can please her.

Not only sexually.

I come to you again, my beautiful voluptuous women 🖤
I’ve posted before about my new beau, and recently he asked me to be his girlfriend! I’m really happy, but I’m also still working through some leftover feelings from my ex. Recently I found out he’s been telling people that the only thing I wanted him for was sex, which honestly hurt my confidence a lot because it’s not true at all. If anything, he was the one with the sex addiction. Hearing that really messed with my head, and I don’t think it’s fair to carry that insecurity into something new with someone who’s actually been kind to me.
Anyway, my new person opened up to me and shared that he’s into femdom. I’ve never explored that before. My ex never liked when I initiated sex or took control because he always wanted to be the dominant one, so this is completely new territory for me. I do have a few ideas already, but I wanted to ask here specifically because I trust other plus size women to understand some of the insecurities and confidence issues that can come with this stuff.
So I wanted to ask: have any other big girls explored femdom or taken on a more dominant role in the bedroom? What helped you feel confident stepping into it?

There is a lot that us Doms can carry in the dynamic with our subs. The amount of mental and emotional (and at times physical) strain that it requires to be the fixed point of leading by serving our strength can wear on any human. Personally speaking, there are moments after a scene or just in our dynamic where I find myself benefitting from the tenderness and affirmation of my sub that provides a very much appreciated release and relief from having to be “on”, all the while still being and feeling like her Dom. So I don’t mean being a switch in the dynamic necessarily.

So as the title simply suggests, is there such a thing as aftercare for Doms? And if so, what could that entail that may or may not be different for a sub?

For other Doms, what may you require of your subs in aftercare for yourself? For subs, what may you offer your Dom as a source of release? All answers are welcome.

I hear a lot of subs talking about entering "subspace," and I'm wondering if there is a dominant version of this?

If so, what would that be called? And if there isn't a direct opposite to subspace, what would the closest term be?

As a dom who practices a lot of sadomasochism dynamics, I would say that there is definitely a certain mode/headspace that I enter, especially when getting really into a scene and being aggressive/controlling, and I've always wondered if this feeling has a label in the same way that subs have subspace?

So my life has become quite busy lately. I work 40 hours, plus on a business im trying to get to take off to leave my full-time job. When my sub and I decided to sign our contract business was slow. Shortly after signing her libido had shot way up and mine went down due work picking up along with stress. Since she has become quite disobedient. I've given her one punishment, up until last night when she got a little attitude and when I told her to fix herself, she went into the other room and talked under her breath. I turned her around pulled down her shorts and gave her one good hard swat. What are some ways, you deal with having a low libido as a dom, and ways to keep your subs in check?