It’s now that I can say I’ve crossed the line. It’s official. I am “that fat lady” who turns heads on the streets now. To begin with, I will say no, this is not discouraging me. And I’m absolutely NOT wanting to lose weight! This, for better or worse, is part of the process—especially when you are a woman (yup, sorry, it is what it is).
I can see for certain that the stares and disapproving looks have become way more common now that I’m roughly 290 lbs. My butt and hips EXPLODED when I gained the last 25-30 pounds. I keep catching glimpses of my reflection in random store windows while I’m out and about, and I’ll think: “Who’s that fat lady?”before turning my head to realize it’s me! Wow.
Before I got so large, I never noticed so much negativity when I went out. But now I’ve experienced random strangers call me “fatty” and “wide load” when I’ve been doing nothing but walking by! Also, I have definitely noticed more judgmental stares when I’m ordering at fast food places…or at any restaurant actually.
And today as I was coming out of the book store, this couple was coming in…and they kind of held the door for me…and I do mean KIND OF…because it was more like the two of them taking a step back to give me extra space while they both looked at me disapprovingly as I lumbered on out. I smiled and thanked them. The wife gave a tiny nod. They both kept glaring at me.
I just have to keep reminding myself that there will always be moments in which I will wish I am thinner (or even back to being super thin!) again. That is perfectly all right. I just remind myself that I am “body-building” in my own way and that I am, simultaneously, eating like I’ve always dreamed.
And truthfully, being obese suits me. The extra weight has actually helped me professionally. I am a strong and independent woman. I am intelligent, creative, and freethinking. I have a lot to contribute, especially in department meetings. When I was short and scrawny, I went unnoticed so often no matter what I said or did. Now, I’ve been large for long enough to know with 100% certainty that people notice me more frequently now that I’m more than double my original size. Not only have I widened out, but my height has increased when I sit because of the new layers of padding that have accumulated on my bottom. Now that I take up considerable space, I’m harder to ignore!
Yes, a strong and intelligent woman of such short stature does, indeed, benefit from a lot of extra girth, but that’s not all of it. I really think that I am the type of woman who looks much more attractive in an obese body. I don’t tend towards the bloated and overstuffed appearance; rather, I tend toward the “full-figured” and “rounded-out” appearance. I tend to look smooth, youthful, wealthy, and very well fed. I remember dreaming of being in an obese body when I was younger. I would look at my reflection, put my hand on my big round tummy, and smile so genuinely.
I must also add that I now take comfort in being so soft and full. I love the added warmth and all the cushion. Also, I sometimes think that I’m in a body with skin that was meant to stretch because of the lack of markings…only a few on the inner thighs so far, although I do take a lot of care to rub down my belly with creams and butters regularly. I want as few stretch marks as possible!
And the appetite I was born with, yes, along with my love for food…yes, this body definitely pairs well with both! I have developed an interest in baking. I do some cooking, although baking is my main interest. I’ve also tried a lot of new foods, new restaurants, and some new recipes. As much as I love to eat, this body definitely suits me!
I am so happy to finally be who I always have been. Even with the challenges, it is all right. I am so at peace now because I can finally be myself!